Friday, January 30, 2009

Top 10 things you hear/say on a diet.

So the new year is past with all of it's requisite resolutions. yay. I was going to do top 10 resolutions for new years but everyone knows that losing weight is usually on the list and the rest of the resolutions you have just fall by the wayside and I wasn't in the mood. But having been on a few diets myself, I've come to realize that there are words and phrases that you become attuned to when you are on a diet that you don't really care about when you aren't.

As an added bonus, I will tell you my fool proof method for losing weight. It works every time I do it. Of course when I go on vacation or the holidays show up or something, I go off of my diet and then i gain my weight back. At current tally I am approximately 15 lbs overweight. I say approximately because I haven't weighed myself because I don't really want to know. I hope against hope that maybe I am losing weight just because of my overall healthy lifestyle of working in an office where I barely move to type on my keyboard and eating junk food as it makes itself available. The method is this: Diet and Exercise. I wish there was another way, but there isn't. Which sucks. All of the other 'easy' diets just want to take your money, not your fat. Here is what you do. You look up how many calories it takes to maintain your current weight. Then you eat less than those calories by a few hundred every day. Of course in order to do this, you have to chart your diet every stinking day. The good news is, once you have put yourself on this regimen for 3 days or so, it becomes pretty natural and you can do it as long as something doesn't disrupt your habits. Anyway, here are the things you will hear, once you go on your diet.

10. - I can only eat that much?! - This is not something you hear as much as it is what is going through your head for the first week or so. When you eat whatever you want, you tend to go just a little beyond what you are actually hungry for. This is the problem. When I was young, I would stop eating as soon as I wasn't hungry. But when I was young I was amused by many and myriad events in my life that would keep me much more interested than stupid food. Now however, I find that food is as interesting as nearly anything else in my life. So when I look at the portion of food that equals say 500 calories, I start taking very small bites and try to savor all 5 of them and dream of days when a plate of nachos was a warm up not a day.

9. - Oh, you don't need to go on a diet! - This is told to you by people that really don't want you to go on a diet for their own selfish reasons. They are afraid that you will be able to succeed where they have failed time and time again, and we all know that misery loves company and you successfully going on your diet means one less person at the Hagen Daz Pitty party.

8. - I'd better not - This forbearance is what you will say time and time again. Your friends will 'forget' that you are on a diet, or with full knowledge offer you things that will use all of your available calories for the day in two bites. So you say the above and watch as the object of your culinary affections retreats into the gaping maw of one of your other friends. Your friends do not realize just how difficult it is for you to say that so the next time you do, pat yourself on the back and say 'great job' from me to you.

7. - Filling - You actually notice foods that are supposed to be more filling. you realize that eating as many calories as you should be eating, you end up feeling pretty empty pretty soon. You want something that is good for you, but will stick to your ribs, and perhaps have a taste that is somewhat better than cardboard. In the end you will settle for the first 2 options. If it will get you through the day without feeling like you've traded in your stomach for a black hole you are all for it.

6. - Hmmmm..That's not bad. - My Lilly white butt. Everything you eat that says 'diet' will have a flavor of sorts that will imitate actual food. Almost by reflex when you taste these things you will say it. Everyone knows that there is only one thing you say when you really think something is tasty. it's MMMMMMMMMMM because your mouth is full of tasty food. mmmmmm...tasty.

5. - Fat/Sugar Free - You start picking through all of the food offerings in the 'diet' section of your grocery store and when you find one that says sugar free or fat free you cling to it like a life preserver off of the Titanic. Unfortunately about 2 weeks later as you find that you haven't lost so much as an ounce do you actually look at the label that has the ingredients/servings/calories etc. WAIT A MINUTE!!! you mean to tell me this has only 20 fewer calories than it's fat included counterpart?! how can this be?!? Sugar free is not much better? CRAP What is going on?!? Food companies know that dieters are nothing if not desperate, especially at first. So they package their food smaller and call it diet. Yes, of course there are exceptions and food that is actually much lower in calorie, but that is an exception not a rule.

4. - Always leave a little bit on your plate - Thanks mom. This and many other pithy little bon mots that cross your mothers lips about weight loss are crafted from years and years of guilt and betrayal brought on by that demon dieting. Your mother has fought this fight most of her natural life and would love it if you didn't have to fight the same way. So when she sees the signs of the path she has trodden i.e. the demanding you get your moneys worth at the all you can eat buffet by returning for a triumphant 5th time. She feels like doing the motherly thing and intervening. Or in the case of daughter in laws she possibly does it because she is feeling catty.

3. - Miracle - This little adjective is dangled in front of nearly any diet out there that claims to be so easy the pounds will 'melt away'. This word should be avoided along with words like Medical Breakthrough and The Secret someone doesn't want you to know. It's all the same. It's code for 'I think you are not only fat, but probably stupid. Please give me your money, and I'll give you hope for a little while' Hmmm...Trade money for hope. Why does that sound familiar?

2. - Decadent/Sinful - These are special words to dieters because they ONLY describe diet food. Usually dessert, but sometimes main courses if they include a creamed sauce or cheese. I've never seen the words Decadent or Sinful used in any dish that did not include chocolate (which by last canon is not yet a sin) unless it was diet and decidedly NEITHER decadent nor sinful. Once again those pesky marketers are telling you what you want to hear and hoping desperately that you buy at least their product if not their ideas. I don't believe you will be begging for absolution for that 2nd helping of vegetable ravioli you ate.

1. - I've gotten to where I don't even like sugar - Of course you don't. sheesh. I believe that this phrase is what inspired the immortal Bard to pen the phrase 'methinks thou doest protest too much'. Sure it's not really protesting, but the thought is the same. If we can't fool anyone else, at least we can fool ourselves. This oldy but goodie gets repeated when Dieters are feeling particularly self righteous about the fact that they lost 2 lbs (only 43 to go). They proclaim for all the world to hear that they have transcended the earthly lusts and pleasures of this mortal existence and traded them all for whole grain cookies that would make the very elect of God wretch in disgust.

I hope that if you aren't the weight you want to be that you are at least happy with the weight you are. Life is too short. See you in about 2 weeks give or take.

p.s. To all those folks on Weight Watchers. Yes, yes, yes, I know weight watchers is the only plan proven to work ASIDE FROM DIET AND EXERCISE. I also know that it's the same thing only you've traded in your calories for points. Whatever motivates you is great by me.


Joseph said...

I've been contemplating a diet.

I think before I do anything drastic, I'm going to go shopping and buy a few sinful chocolate decedances to try it out.

Slrpycow said...

Considering that your mother mentioned to me last week that she though Michael and I should try out for "The Biggest Loser", I laughed at the mother-in-law comment. I don't believe she meant to be catty, just clueless.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Dave Hestand said...

Wow, did it again. Seems like I have heard everyone of those statements. We sat down last night to read this and it reminded me of sitting around the radio to listen to FDR's "fireside chat".