Friday, April 30, 2010

Top 10 crappy days to have a birthday.

My birthday doesn't come up for a while, but I imagine that it will show up at about the same time.  For some reason we as humans have an obsession with our little blue planet's traverse around the sun.  It fascinates us to no end.  Women get mad at their husbands for forgetting the earths exact location in relationship to the sun each time it passes that location and the husband doesn't remember.  I remember growing up with the idea that I was the only one that owned my birthday.  It was simple then because I only knew a handful of people.  As I grew older I realized after looking at the big people counter at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry that all of those babies born right now had the same birthday.  How did they know all of those babies were being born anyway?  What a baffler.  Well now that I found out that there were more than 365 babies born every year it started me to thinking.  Some birthdays are better than others.  My birthday falls in late June.  I never liked where my birthday was really.  The problem was that when we had a party for my birthday, most people were out of town on summer vacation OR we were out of town ourselves.  Well, there are birthdays that make mine look great...

10.  Merry Christmas! - This one is obvious, but the truth is, you have at least a week ahead and a week after (Not including new years) Christmas that if your birthday falls within this range, it will absolutely suck.  Sure you might get an extra gift or two when you are a kid, but ultimately, your personal holiday is completely obfuscated by a different birthday that didn't happen even close to December 25th.  On the up side, when you get older and you realize what a burden buying gifts for people can be, you begin to wish all of your friends had their birthdays on Christmas and maybe your anniversary as well.  Just get em all out of the way in one grand observance.

9.  Because we love you SO much - Valentines Birthday.  Yawn.  This would normally not be a bad day for a birthday.  But the stores will be full of heart shaped crap for the season. You will invariably get at least 1/2 of your stuff in heart flavored wrapping paper.  On the plus side, your birthday has made this a much better day for everyone else.  We can all forget this ersatz holiday and remember your birthday instead.

8.  You are the youngest graduate ever! - Leap year, February 29th.  Every 4 years we get an extra day.  a stupid day.  This is because everything you do for the Government/Insurance or anything else official just got harder and requires more thought on the part of bureaucrats and we all know that when we try to get the Government to think, nothing good happens.

7. April Fools! - One of the very kings of lame holidays but this one is because of the obvious 'well that seems appropriate' or 'could it be anything else?' that will accompany your revelation about the placement of your birthday.  Other than that, it's an ok day I suppose, but how many cans of peanut brittle that turn out to be springing snakes can you get?!

6.  April 15th  - Why do some kids get a lot for their birthday and other kids don't get much?  Well if it's Christmas, the answer is obvious.  But thanks to Uncle Sam, our gracious benefactor, we have this other 'holiday' where we pay for the great country we have become.  The more we pay, the less great it seems. Well April 15th will hopefully get us a refund.  Really though, if you get a refund, you've been giving the government your money tax free for all that time until they give it back to you.  So you are better off having to pay a few dollars.  I could go on and on about tax day, but if your birthday is on this day and you are older, your celebrations will likely have to be put off to a different day because people will be too busy or too depressed to help you celebrate.

5.  On your other family members birthday-  What a rip off!!  Same birthday as another family member?  Yuck for all involved.  Multiple births start out with a bad shake right there your 'special' day seems to be more of a community special day.  No fun.  On the plus side, you'll always remember each others birthday when you are older and your parents have gone senile and wonder if they only had one child that day or not.

4.  September 11th - ick.  Thankfully this day seems to shift based on the latest tragedy to happen to wherever you are.  This also qualifies if a loved one passes away on your birthday, but then it never seems the same again.  I remember when I was young, it was Pearl Harbor day that was a bad birthday.  On the plus side, it seems that everyone remembers your birthday even though it is out in the middle of nowhere.  Sorry Tom Landry.

3.  First day of School - This Stinks!!!  I gotta go to school and it's my birthday.  not quite as good as having it on say the 3rd week of school.  Everyone is settled in and can afford a little time to celebrate.  Your birthday is mixed into the shuffle of clean notebook paper and unsharpened pencils and stress about finding all your classes and all that rot.

2.  The same day as another guy with your name -This is from personal experience.  I found out that there is a guy living in Michigan with my same name and has my same birthday and a social security number that is spooky close to mine (one number off).  Oh, yeah, he's also a violent criminal so thats a fair distinction.  It kind of freaked me out for a little bit, but I figure as long as he isn't getting my social security money (like I will...HA!) I guess it's ok, I guess it could be worse, you could LOOK like a violent criminal.

1.  ANY DAY AFTER 35 -  If you understand this, then it needs no more explanation.  If you don't, then you are probably in your 20's and still think you will live forever. 

Thanks for dropping by!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Top 10 places to RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Just got back from seeing the new Clash of the Titans.  I LOVE to see Titans clashing.  They don't hold back and everything they do looks way cool.  I've heard some critics go on about how it wasn't that good blah blah blah.  Well let me tell you, they are wrong.  All of them.  It was great!  I'm not going to ruin the story for you, but I'm sure your Grandkids will be asking you questions about it when they have to watch it in class for a compare and contrast with the Merchant of Venice.

Anyway, without killing any of the major story line.  I will say this.    The KRAKEN was a titan big enough to kick a God's butt.  That's pretty big.  It's so big in fact that you really can't see it all without getting a really good kink in your neck.   Poseidon is in charge of the KRAKEN, but this is a lot like watching a female Olympic gymnast walking a Great Dane.  Seriously, who's really doing the walking here?  Some would say that there is no real cause for releasing the KRAKEN since it's so big and freakin awesome that it would destroy the world from sheer awesomitude.  I say that's a bunch of Hera-hockey. There are at least 10 places where you should RELEASE THE KRAKEN.  Probably more.

10.  In Church - When it's really quiet and the last baby has stopped fussing, this is the perfect time to RELEASE THE KRAKEN.  What did you say?  That would be completely inappropriate?  Nonsense.  Church could use a little KRAKEN RELEASING.  If you are wondering why KRAKEN is always capitalized in this blog, it's not.  It's just how it comes out.  Just think how many people would show up to Church next week if you RELEASED THE KRAKEN the week before.

9.  At your neighbors house at about 2 AM - What's that?  you don't like how loud the music is at the house and it's 10:30p.m.  so probably time to wind it down?!?  RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  Yeah, how does that music sound now?  That's what I thought.

8.  In morning rush traffic - Stuck behind Mr. or Mrs. Speed Limit?  Got a police man driving in the middle of the freeway at rush hour traffic causing all around him to drive safe and insane?!? RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  The KRAKEN does not have time for our puny cars or our little funny roads.  He will lay waste to the whole road system.  Allowing you to get to where you are going that much quicker because you drive a flying horse.

7.  In the Shower - Tough soap scum got you down?  Scrubbing bubbles Zeus's white beard!!! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  What's left of your shower will sparkle.

6.  Argos - Well, I guess that already happened.  But it could just as easily happen again.  Maybe throw in New Orleans as well as Galviston Texas.  Those places would be begging for another Katrina in the face of the KRAKEN's sudden coolness. 

5.  Victoria's Secret - I'm just a guy.  As a guy I appreciate the result of the kind of trouble the gals go through to look good.  But to all the ladies that just don't quite fit into that laughably unrealistic 'underwear'  I can only say...RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  KRAKEN doesn't have any secrets from Victoria or anyone else for that matter.

4.  DMV - Gotta pay a ticket?  Need to get a new drivers license?  you hear the news?  They are going to start allowing people to have reservations to get their drivers stuff taken care of.  Yeah, I've got your reservation...RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  KRAKEN doesn't need to drive, but he'll take a license anyway, and his vision is 20/KRAKEN.

3.  The Dog Show - RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! and the puppies will follow.  Their true nature will be shown for all to see (especially the water breeds).  The KRAKEN feels for all of these spruced up 'breeds' and will liberate them.

2.  Urinalysis Lab - Got that new job, but you have to what?  pee in a cup?? They have special blue dye and people watching you go in and come out to make sure everything is 'ok'.  Talk about guilty until proven innocent...  RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! He'll fill that cup for you. 

1.  Political Speeches - Is it just me or are we hearing from our politicians all the time now?  Just because they talk more doesn't mean they are in touch.  At the next rally  I would love to hear; yes we KRA-KAN!  RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!  He has no vote, he IS a simple majority.

First time I've needed to doctor pictures.  I can't believe there isn't more KRAKEN-fever.  *sigh*