Monday, November 15, 2010

10 tips for the successful stalker

Ah, I remember my first adolescent crush.  The cellphone was still on Captain Kirks Belt and the only Batman around did the Batusi with Eartha Kit.  Since I had little or no confidence, I was not about to go galumphing up to the object of my affections, I had to be smart about it.  I had to feel out the situation.  I had to use every bit of cleverness at my 13 year old disposal.  I know!  I'll stalk her!  Back then it wasn't called stalking, it was called being annoying.  I wasn't even THAT successful.  But looking back, I think I have some good tips for those wanna be stalkers out there.

Now before some of you get all unglued about this I want you to remember, I was a 13 year old stalker, not a 32 year old stalker.  There is a big difference.  Ok, not really, except for the 19 years.  But when you're 13, you don't really have any other choice.  32 on the other hand...  If you are stalking someone and they are not only not interested in you, but actually have gone to the trouble of getting a restraining order, or even just threatening to do so, that is a really strong social cue to CUT IT OUT.  Besides, stalking is only really fun if there is still a chance that the other party will find you even remotely cute for the effort.

10.  Take up exercise - What does this have to do with stalking?!  Well, a lot.  You see, if you are going to get a random glimpse of your target on the way in or out of their house from getting the mail, you have to have a reason to be riding your bike down their street when the mail arrives.  Well if you are exercising, that makes it a lot easier to find yourself there and for somewhat legitimate reasons.  Do it at roughly the same time every day and at least you are getting some sun!

9.  Look without being seen - Always sit on the school bus next to a window at 45 degree angles from your quarry.  This way you can look at them longingly while everyone else thinks you are looking out the window.  Nobody will be the wiser.  Unless of course they look at you through the reflection.  Then you have to quickly shift your gaze to something outside the bus.  Like maybe that half crushed tin can or something.

 8.  Bring Zingers - If you are on a stake out waiting to get another look at her, you need several things, but chief among them is to keep your strength up!  If you don't have a ready supply of sugar and starch around, you're liable to find yourself napping on the job.  That's no good.

 7.  Talk to your prey with all of your stalking knowledge - Few things will make you more attractive to your target like talking to her about things you know she is doing but the average person wouldn't know.  The internet of course makes this a LOT easier.  Used to be you had to attend their church, or hang around their parents if you saw them in a store hoping to overhear some tidbit of information.  A conversation could go as follows:  Target talking to her friend on the bus:  'So yeah I guess I'm going to my uncles house this weekend with the family'  You interject slyly ' I hear that Moscow Idaho is lovely this time of year'.  Your target will give you a look that is a combination of awe and suspicion.  Now you've got her thinking about you!  good job! 

6.  Live to fight another day!  -  Stalking is a lot more like being a bad secret agent than anything.  You are trying to be stealthy while being seen.  If your target all of the sudden approaches you, bolt!  Make a get away.  She might actually talk to you or something.  We both know nothing good can come of that, so get out of there!  A different trick that is fun is being seen by your target and then as they turn away get out of sight like in the movies.  It's really creepy, but you won't think it is.

5.  Who doesn't want a secret admirer - Write your hearts desire a note filled with cryptic references that she will not be interested at all in figuring out.  Leave obvious clues that point to you, but deny it if you are confronted with obvious evidence like your dad's letterhead.  Make an ill fitting poem that has ham fisted verse filled with rhymes like Awesome and Blossom or even Cool and Fool or Pool.  Just listen to some pop music, you'll get the idea.  No, I never kept the poem and I don't remember it's contents.

4.   Well if you don't like notes, how about presents? - Buy your subject a surprisingly expensive gift and leave it anonymously.  This appears to fly in the face of prior advice, but really, it all makes sense.  You just have to look at it the right way.  If the present is something fairly personal and yet well beyond the scope of a friendship gift, you've hit a bullseye.  Something like a heart pendant on a gold plated chain would be nice.  Or perhaps one of those combination lip balm brooches you find in Avon catalogs.  It's all gold.

3.   Get the INFO - Now that we have the internet, this is stupid easy - Getting information about your target is so easy now, it's probably not even worth doing.  After all, one of the objects of stalking is proving what kind of trouble you will go to in order to prove your feelings.  Internet information is so easily had that it doesn't show much effort at all.  In fact it will probably make them block you on facebook.  Sure it's not particularly effective, but still it's a sign that they don't really want you paying them any attention at all.  So instead, keep your actions live.  On the other hand, having a website dedicated to your true love shows some initiative and will score big in the simultaneously creepy/cute category.  Make sure you have all of your poems and mix lists on it so they know how you feel.

2.  If you don't have pictures, it didn't happen - In this age of technology, you need to take lots of pictures.  This used to be a lot more difficult because you had to take the film somewhere to get developed.  Now you just have pictures.  You can print out your favorites and decorate your shrine to her or better yet, decorate the afor mentioned fan website with pictures taken at times and places where they had no idea that someone would be watching them.  They will think you are so COOL!  I'm sure they will admire you from afar while calling the police.

1.  re-plan all of your class routes so that you will incidentally see her after every class - Nothing can get you through the day like seeing your crush on a purely accidental basis.  This is a lot like the bike thing, but this is while you are at school.  Nobody can stop you from taking a different path to class.  who cares if you have to double back and pretend you forgot something every day if it gets the timing right.  If you play your cards right, she will just think she sees you all the time because of dumb luck.  ha!  Dumb like a fox!

This was painful to write on some counts.  I won't tell you which because it's all too embarrassing.  On the other hand, I have a feeling it's all too common (I hope).  Once again, these tips are for the painfully shy yet goofy 13 year old, If you're an adult.  It's time for a new chapter in life.  If you're 13, this really isn't very good advise, I wouldn't follow it.


Anonymous said...


Michael said...

Ok, the whole bike thing hit pretty close to home. . .