Saturday, April 30, 2011

Top 10 Things you can do after the destruction of the world

Enough already.  According to some wackos, the rapture has occurred.  Other wackos say it will happen in May.  All other normal people think it will happen later.  If you are reading this, you are mostly evil.  It's ok, so am I.  Just in case God has more mercy than justice in his daily dose of Metamucil I wrote this in advance so maybe I'm just good enough. Yeah, I know, probably not. But you on the other hand are reading this, so you are definitely evil...Best to make a run on the asbestos jammies while you can.  Soon we are going to have the end of the regular civilized world.  The good news is you probably won't have to worry about working at that stupid boring consistent job.  The bad news is the new hobbies you get won't really be a lot of fun unless you are a survivalist. 

10. Read! - You've got time to read.  lots and lots of time.  Hopefully you still have some books written on paper.  If not, you can trundle on down to your local library and grab a bunch.  You don't really need to worry about checking books out since you're the only one around.  You might want to read titles on how to survive a zombie apocalypse or growing a victory garden.

9. Hunt - Gotta get food, probably need to get meat.  Cows are pretty easy to hunt, but they will not be widely available.  You are going to probably need to hone this skill the longer you live in a post-civilized world.  Remember that library?  They have some books on hunting and trapping.

8. Watch all those dvd's you bought - We see a movie.  We love a movie.  We buy a movie.  We never watch it again.  This is the natural order of man.  For some reason we don't want to watch things we have purchased UNLESS they come on TV.  Well, now nothing is coming on TV so you can actually make all those DVD purchases pay off!

7. Horde Batteries - Post civilization will mean post organized power.  Fortunately there will be THOUSANDS of batteries.  you just have to find them.  Here is a word of advice.  When you find batteries.  Be organized in your hoarding.  Collect them all in an orderly fashion.  Don't grab them like a starving man at a Vegas Buffet.  Collect them all and calmly carry them to your stronghold where you will hide them so the traveling looters won't find them.

6. Collect Textbooks - Funny thing about library's, they won't have textbooks.  That's for schools.  Here is the thing.  Textbooks are more like basic instructions for everything we know.  They write new ones every year to accommodate the new information garnered in that year.  Well that won't really be a problem.  You'll want to have the basic building block of education at your disposal.  They will become useful.

5. Develop your own language -  Nature of language is that it changes regionally.  Only due to grammar Nazi's does the decay of language slow at all.  If you and your little group of people live with little exposure to anything outside of that group.  Your language will change into something uniquely your own.  after 100 years or so you'll have a pidgin version of your language.  After 200 years you will have a completely new language loosely based on English which is of course loosely based on many languages that went before it.  Maybe by some quirk of fate it will loop around and eventually become Greek.

4. Visit Zombie Disneyland - After the end of days, all the cool places you used to visit will become weird hangouts of 'zombies'.  Ok,  they PROBABLY won't be zombies, but everyone that isn't in your clan will end up being the same as zombies. None of the rides will be operational at Zombie Disneyland, people will live in the different rides.  I imagine the hot real estate would be the Jungle Cruise, the Indiana Jones ride, The Matterhorn (and it's 1/2 court basket ball court).  It would be pretty cool.

3. Start romanticizing the 'Good ole Days' - If you didn't write a journal before, you should start one right after the world altering event.  Was it a meteor?  I forget.  Anyway.  You need to write down all of the things you remember about the life you once knew.  That way your kids can read about all the crazy things you thought were real.  The generations that appear after you have died will only believe about 1/2 of the things you wrote.  Truth is, if you re-read what you wrote, you will only believe about 2/3 of what you wrote.

2. Finish those video games you played 1/2 way through.  -  So you have your propane generator, you have your pick of HD tv's you have all video game systems as well as games.  You've got time.  PLAY ON!  Maybe in the new society, world conflicts will be decided by your proficiency at Super Mario Sunshine.

1. Make your own religion - Once again, you have lots of time.  You might be able to put together a origin story.  Might as well start with aliens.  Oh wait.  L. Ron Hubbard already did that.  Anyway.  you have to come up with a new origin and a new set of rules that this origin facilitates.  You could of course continue on with the religion that you knew before, but the truth is, like language, religion decays and changes over time so weather or not you are starting with a new religion, you WILL end up with a new one. Knowing that, you might as well start fresh.

I hope this isn't my last blog.  Actually I know it isn't because I have another one coming right after this one in about 15 days.  Tell your evil friends!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Top 10 things that will get you hits on your website.

I'm obsessed with how my blog is doing.  I look at the statistics all the time.  I see which blogs were the most popular.  I tell my wife who is kind enough to feign interest and tell me how admirable it is that I keep doing it (thanks honey!).  I mention it to people I barely know with the hopes that they may start to read it and find something of use.  There are of course real website people that know all of the things that will  make their website more popular.  They are in it for the money.  That's different.  I'm in it for the ego.  I feel like when I see the daily hits (my record so far is 101) it's an indication that I'm alive and while my impact might be minimal, at least it is there.

How do I get more hits?!  Well there are certain words that will make certain government agencies watch my website with some interest until they see that I'm just baiting them.  Then it will go back down to about 50 hits a day.  Some of these entries are the words that will help.  Other entries are methods that will get you more hits.

10. President ________ - Mentioning the President of the United states will get you hits on your website by the federal agencies as well as campaign strategists and fans alike.  Not many though.  Every president that is elected will have a certain amount of people that very viscerally want to see that president dead.  Will they try to kill the president?  possibly. That's why you have to be on the lookout for the nut-cakes. 

9. E-Entertainment - Ok.  If you just keep a lookout for the most searched celebrity term and then put a mention of it on your blog page, you'll get a few hits.  If you go to you can see what are the hot search terms of the moment.  In deference to that, I am putting the term "Record Store Day" here right now so people will mistakenly run into my blog.

8. Assassination - Derived from the Greek which means Person with Ass for head should not exist in your country.  Adding this word to your information will start turning on the real searchlights.  The president by himself is not really a big deal.  Adding this word will now get some people interested in your musings.  They will probably look at your prior posts to see if you are dangerous or if you are just another crack pot.

7. Automated web robots - This method doesn't really feed my ego at all.  You create a piece of code that will hit your website.  You load that code at at web-cafe or library and it plunks your website.  yay.  That does nothing for me at all.  If you aren't looking at my site for intent, then I don't want you looking.  I'm just that way.

6. Terrorist plot - This set of words added to the prior is nearly a lock by itself.  After all, who needs terrorists?  They really screw things up.  All of the sudden your TV programming is all put off because the news thinks you want to hear about the latest terrorist actions instead of watch the Mentalist.  As IF!!!

5. Hijack a video - This is more of what I am seeing in Youtube.  You have something that people want to see.  you see that they are getting a lot of hits, so you copy that video and put it on your own Youtube page and add a goofy comment or something.  Better yet.  you video yourself re-creating the video for people to see.  It's really annoying when you are looking for a video.  But I guess it works. P.S. The word Hijack probably doesn't hurt :) .


4. Bomb making instructions - They are now called IED's (Improvised Explosive Devices)  I remember the first one I ever made.  It was one of those tennis ball cannons.  It was really cool.  So if you have a web page dedicated to the dissemination of instructions on how to make a pipe bomb (so easy you don't really need a guide) you will likely get read by some guys in sunglasses and cheap suits with wire things in their ears.

3. Check browser hits - Screw entertainment.  Look for the top news story of the moment.  use the same method and bingo.  people will get a view of your website.  Doing this quickly for one website is one thing.  keeping it maintained for the future is something else.  The public animal is a fickle one and it's attentions are turned at the slightest glimmer or sparkle.

2. Nuclear instructions - Ok, a little fireworks is one thing, but this is getting dangerous.  Not necessarily nuclear bombs mind you (oopsie, probably another word combination there) but just a breeder reactor for making the material that you really need for a good dirty explosion.  I'm pretty sure that most of the information that you would get from a website would be somewhat misleading or incomprehensible since it seems to require a fair amount of math and chemistry to get one of these things to work. 

 1. Having a really good website -  Sure Mark, mention the obvious.  If you have a website that has new content every day that is really interesting with only a few advertisements you'll get many hits in a day.  probably at least 150 or so.

Since my site is just a blog and since my blog is just based on my thoughts it will probably never be regarded as great.  What it will be however is a semi-permanent look into a pretty good portion of my brain.