Friday, June 15, 2012

10 Things you'll tell your teenager that you never thought you'd say

It's inevitable.  We all age.  With that, we hope that we get a little smarter or at least wiser.  In order to help our kids not make the mistakes we give them the nuggets of our wisdom to help them with life.  We also show them in our exasperation things that they are doing that really bug us and for them to cut it out!  What it all really helps them with is finding things that we told them that they swear they will never tell their kids.  HA.  This list is full of the things that you heard and have since relayed to your kids.  Some of them  you hated to hear and with more than a twinge of hypocrisy, you have told your spawn the self same things while simultaneously breathing a whisper of regret and new found understanding to your parents...

10.  Turn that down! - It's interesting.  Our appreciation of loud music tends to increase if it's music we like to listen to.  As we age, many of us tend to loose some of our hearing.  You would think that we would be more easy-going for loud things because we can barely hear them as it is.  We aren't.  We were told to turn our sounds down.  And so, they will be told as well.

9. You need to pay more attention! - It's funny that we think that everything we tell our children is both interesting as well as informative.  If we only had school to go to again, maybe we would pay better attention and make better use of our training years!  If you ever get to go to a professional seminar, you will quickly remember just how much ADD you had as a kid.  You might have even more now.

8. You make a better door than a window! - Or, Get out of the way!  or Hey I'm watching TV!  While this is a short term request to get someone out of the way, it becomes a long term lesson is being aware of your surroundings.  Kids have an interesting way of thinking that the whole world revolves around them.  This quick statement seems to help disabuse them of that notion.

7.  Now is the time to prepare for your future! - Great statement.  Because it's ALWAYS true!  As adults we tend to regret the wasted time of our youth.  When we see our own young waste their time we wish they would benefit from our wisdom and not waste it!  The truth is, we can look at our own lives and see so much time that is wasted.  If we are honest about our chastisements, we should first look at ourselves and lead the way.

6. Do you know how much that costs?! - Kids only know that they like things and they want things.  Some people never grow out of this.  There are other people that mistakenly think that THEY were never like that as a child and wonder why their own kids have this insatiable hunger to spend money they don't have.  Don't you know that's what this country is built on?

5.  Why don't you answer me? - Kids seem to be conveniently deaf.  If they are interested in what they are doing and want plausible deniability when they are asked why they didn't answer, they will claim some kind of strange deafness.  This deafness does not, however, extend to their cellphones, which they can hear at any distance in the house (making the broad assumption that the cellphone is somehow more than 1 foot away from them at any point in time).

4.  I know you don't believe it, but I was a teenager once. - Kids don't believe you were ever a teenager.  You can show them pictures.  You can tell them stories.  They will nod patiently and laugh at your young antics, but it will be impossible for them to visualize you as a teenager.  The best you can hope for is that they see you as currently irresponsible.

3.  Go to sleep! - Everyone knows that children are created out of our old boundless energy.  That's why we are so tired all the time.  As a result, they have no idea why they need to go to sleep, they aren't tired.  Partly, they may not be tired, and partly they can't identify when they are tired.  When my son was around 3 he was falling asleep in the car and started getting mad.  When asked why he was mad he said 'My eyes don't work!'  Talk about sleep denial.  Now, un-alarmed, he will sleep until noon or later.

2.  Try it!  It's an acquired taste! - As Mom and Dad we want to expand the world of experience that our children have.  We also want them to not be picky eaters.  This is different than some parents that do the age old 'you aren't moving until you finish what is on your plate.'  I've heard of some extreme cases where kids were left to eat the food no matter how old it got.  This is a good way to give your kids eating disorders.

1.  I feel sorry for your future husband/wife. - Usually offered when you stumble upon the cave of your young spawn.  The disarray is not only disgusting, but amazing.  Now I'm the last one to talk about clean areas as I'm a bit of a clutter guy.  But I do keep the common living areas as clean as I can since we all have to live there.  I heard my mom mention more than a few times how she pitied my future bride.  Now my bride pities herself.

Enjoy the summer and Happy Fathers Day!  3 x 5 and we'll come back live.

Friday, June 1, 2012

10 Cliche's of Graduation

It's the season of Graduation and Fathers Day.  Since fathers day is the most worthless holiday since Arbor day   (This is evidenced by the fact that many stores just call it Dad's and Grads sales since they really don't care what you are celebrating, just please buy something) We'll just concentrate on Graduation.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my dad, and I hope my kids love me, but the day is just goofy and I wouldn't mind if it stopped all together.


This is the list of things you will probably hear during the course or your commencement from high school, or college, or any other 'Education'.  This is the reward/celebration for all of your time/money/work??  A couple of students and a few hoity toity school administrators bloviating about the value of what you have just accomplished.  Why do they feel like they need to convince you?  Anyway.  The following is what you are likely to hear in any given graduation address.  It will be much quicker than the actual graduation and as always...there are pictures!

10.  You are the future! - Aren't we all?  some are more future than the others, but really whoever was the first to tell graduating students that they are the future probably felt pretty good about him/her self.  Of course they probably really enjoyed the cave paintings they put up the other day as well.

9.  Your education is just beginning - Then what did I just pay you a kings ransom for?  I understand that it's a good idea to keep learning, but I can do that for free...ohhhhhhh!  For some reason it's a mainstay in windy summer speaches.

8.  You have a responsibility - Well, Spiderman had a responsibility.  Because he had great power.  I've got a diploma.  My responsibility is different.  I have to pay off that student loan or at least get a job.  Along with this one is the Give Back.  I've never quite understood this.  Why not become successful and give back that way.  People that are successful can't help but give back because you can't be a success alone.

7. You did it!  -  Usually said by one of the student speakers.  This exclamation is universally heartfelt if said by the student and kind of condescending when said by the administration since they see this every year.

6.  Best and Brightest - This phrase is used often by the academic set to describe themselves.  They are then including the current set of fresh acolytes in this sanctum of the smart.

5. You've got education, now get experience - They know what you are going to know.  Education without experience is like paint without a brush.  It is very effective, but has little application.

4.  I can't believe it! - This is said in the same way as You did it!  Almost exclusively the domain of the student speaker this is one of those exclamations that a lot of people say at the end of something that is long and hard, but certainly possible.  Believe it!

3.  Don't waste your opportunity - This bit of inspirational fluff is really about making you feel guilty now that you have free time.  Maybe you should go for another advanced degree!  Don't you feel guilty about playing that video game?  hmmmmm?

2.  Live your dreams - Believe me, I've been trying.  But creating a sea going vessel large enough that could employ a whale as a means of propulsion is not as easy as you might think.

1.  Believe in yourself - Because if you don't, you might not exist.  Yeah I know.  Believe that you can do things because if you don't believe it, you won't even try.  I've never really been able to live this particular axiom. I've found that just because you believe you can do something does not at all mean you are able to do it.

Congratulations to all those that commence their journey downs life's road.  May it lead you to contentment and happiness and further episodes of my blog.