Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Ten things we really expected by now

Right now, Right this VERY MINUTE.  I'm in the year 2013.  TWENTY FREAKING THIRTEEN!  You know that that means?  As far as Hollywood is concerned, I'm WAY in the future.  So far in the future in fact that everything they predicted about the future in the 70's already happened and we are living a life of the... (cue theramin) Feeeeewwwww-tuuuuuuuuure.  Except here I am,  still here,  going to my job,  and working like a sucker.  What should I be doing and what should I have?  This stuff:

10.  Tin Foil Clothes.  -  Seems like every glimpse into the future includes some kind of tin foil clothing.  If not on us, at LEAST on our much more advanced, fashion sense stilted alien friends.  Instead, it appears that our clothes really aren't all that much different.  Sure, a collar here, a flair there, a color spectrum shift and we've got the next years fashions, but I see no puffy hoop like skirt with glitter and silver. No pants that look like pleated tin foil What happened?!?

9. A really cool gun PEW PEW - The future according to hollywood is a pretty violent place.  That's ok, we seem to enjoy it.  But those bullets are such a hassle, what with the lead and gunpowder and all.  Of course in the future, our enemies will be dispatched by environmentally friendly laser beams.  The will do all of the dirty work of the bullet by using only power, which is of course readily available everywhere.

8. No Disease - Nope, by now, none of us should be sick.  In fact, by now, we should have little nano-robots that rush about our bodies busying themselves with the task of making us immortal.  Of course the robots would replace our own disease fighting robots the white blood cells, but honestly we all saw that coming anyway.  The white blood cells are no match for the latest bird flu, bubonic plague or bout of consumption.  Our little nanobot friends will identify all hostile alien mico-bodies and search and DESTROY (very likely with lasers).  Then they will transmit the information to fellow nano-bots floating around just to make sure it doesn't come back.  We aren't even close to this one.

7. Flying car - The Holy Grail of future achievements.  If we can't have anything else, we want flying cars.  Of course our cars appear to be taking a turn for the better with self driving.  When all cars are self driving, I won't care if we are trundling, flying, or digging our way to our destination, I will be busy playing candy crush.  Nope, no flying car, and honestly, none on the horizon.  Except for one, which is interesting because it looks cool and flies fast, but it's a bit pricey and nobody really wants it to work because if you get a fender bender in the air, it will probably mean more than a trip to the auto body shop.

6. Solar Powered everything - Energy really needs to change around a bit.  Our batteries are our dear friends, but someone needs to make them do some pushups or something.  I'm waiting for my cellphone to get an app that will pirate energy from neighboring cellphones!  YARRRRRR!!!!  By now everything should have been ambiently powered by our good friend the sun.  We just walk out to our car and it just starts up when it feels the heat of brave Helios' rays.  Sorry.  we are still on fossil fuels for the most part and our batteries have enough toxic chemicals to make any Despotic Dictator bent on country wide destruction green with envy.

5. Space Vacations -  We are close on this one.  Sure, you gotta pay millions, and your destination is actually back on earth.  So we aren't QUITE there.  I"m talking space Disney complete with artificial gravity and a Pluto that gets more respect.  Instead we hop up into the stratosphere, say 'Wow, everything looks so peaceful from up here' and zoom back down for a landing and you get the feeling you've been had.

4. No More Pregnancies - We won't have babies the normal way anymore, it's too inefficient and too dangerous to both the mother and the fetus.  Instead we will grow them all in incubation bins and they will all come out perfectly because they are only the best of each parent's DNA. A recording of their mother's voice was played throughout their gestation for good bonding.  They will be perfect human specimens.  Hasn't happened yet.  Nope, the good old fashioned way by farming the cabbage patch is how we are getting them babies right now.

3. Robots do everything for us! - This one is on it's way, it's just not here yet.  The problem is that during the transition, there will be more and more people out of work, not because they are ill educated or because they lack skills, but rather the robots are doing everything for us more accurately and cheaper.  Eventually the capitalist system falls apart because production does not require labor anymore.  Only more machines.  Not really there yet, but some evidence is there.

2. One world government - Looks like it's gonna be China eventually.  Not yet of course, but in the distant future, the one world government will be run quasi-democratically with nation states influencing heavily any actual policy decisions.  Everything will have to be ratified by other nation states of course, but population will sway lots of opinions.  It's ok, when there is one world government, everything will be easier and better right?...RIGHT?  Well, at least we are not there yet.  In fact, the way the world is, we've still got quite a bit to get there.

1. Aliens - What future would be complete without our green and gray friends from outer space (or inner space?)  They should have been here by now helping us with our complex social issues and eating our weak.  Instead, we still just have movies about them.  Some are friendly, some are mean.  All are fantastic and not really here...yet.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into our wishful future tense as we thought it should have been about 40 years ago.  I'm longing for a future where income tax has been eliminated.  Not bloody likely.

Monday, April 1, 2013

10 Facebook people

Ahh facebook.  Time waster extrordinare!  This device has come to us and not only enslaves our data to it's advertising whims, but it draws us in with constant updates and information about our friends.  After being on facebook for a while, I've come to realize that there are really only about 10 people involved with facebook. There is nothing wrong with these people.  In fact, I think this is just how we ended up using facebook.  To wit:

10.  Terminal Reposter - These people constantly repost things they see.  They rarely if ever actually mention much about themselves or their lives.  They just see something they like and they repost it.  These include the darlings of the internet, the lolcatz.  But they also include e-cards and posts with very clever phrases.  While these people lack novelty, I think it's better to post something repeatedly funny than originally boring.

9. The Philosopher - These are people that put up pithy sayings that used to be reserved for the Hallmark gift card shop.  Now we get them all the time from everywhere.  Sometimes a reposter with limited scope, they seek only to be recognized as a deep thinker.  This might be me, I have a few of these posts in my quiver.  Am I a deep thinker?  Maybe, when I'm not being shallow.

8.  Pinterest Hijacker - These are people that don't actually use facebook for facebooks functionality.  They use facebook for a framework to post their pinterest pictures.  Why most of these pictures are food or shoes, I'm not sure.

7.  My Life Story - This person posts every fleeting thought that flies through their mind.  Doesn't matter what it is.  BOOM, posted.  They include the days menu, their current location, plans for the night.  If an assassin were to have one of these people as a target, there wouldn't be much of a challenge and they really should do it at a discount.  The other version of the life story is the travel log.  It seems these people are never NOT on vacation!  They raise the jealousy of all of their friends who show it by 'liking' their vacation photos.

6.  The vague poster - These are people that post something like this 'Best day Ever!!  You know who you are!' or 'Why are some days so much harder to deal with than others?'  or 'Here's to tomorrow being a much better day filled with something other than sorrow'.  In the case of the latter we rise to that bait because we are friends or relatives and we ask what's wrong.  They will then make us press until we are calling a suicide watch on them because they refuse to let us REALLY know what's going on unless we beg them.  This is of course what they are looking for.

5.  GO TEAM! - These folks don't actually post for themselves, but rather on behalf of their team!  The Pillimositok Green Men or maybe the South Yerbin Ferocious Pikas.  It really doesn't matter because you won't see much from the individual that doesn't have something to do with their team.

4.  Political Pundits - These folks are actually a subset of the terminal reposter and the Go Team combination.  They post more propaganda than Stalin on Mayday.  The problem is, both sides seem to think the other is an overwhelming force of fallacious facts that should, nay MUST be dealt with.  These people tend to be un-friended the most

3.  The counter-puncher - I'm afraid I'm one of these.  I rarely post anything myself, but I will often comment on other peoples post.  I don't know why, but maybe it's that I don't have enough originality to post my own offerings on a regular basis.

2.  The Gamer - These people get on because of a friend or relative, but once they are on, they are playing all of the social games that are available.  Unfortunately they are constantly inviting you to join their mob, water their garden, find their hidden items, or play poker.  Then someone mentions groups to them or they are more judicious about posting everything a game suggests you post.

1.  The Non Participant - These are 'friends' that are on facebook, but offer nothing.  They play no games, they post no pictures, they don't do anything.  They just sit there in your friends list taking up space with their blue head because they didn't even bother posting a picture.

There are but 10 of the users of facebook.  There are of  course those that do not participate at all.  These Luddites have one of a few complaints that keeps them from the most social of applications.  They don't like people tracking them.  They don't have the time.  The only problem is, their other friends are a part of the collective, surely they must realize that it's only a matter...of...time.