Friday, December 21, 2007

Side benefits of Christmas

I have often pontificated on my views of Christmas and have advocated the moving of Christmas to the last week in January or perhaps the middle of February. So far, my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. So I will move on to some of my favorite things that happen during the holidays.

1. Goofy Email ECards for Christmas. Man oh man this must be the coolest thing because you don't get them personally, you get them as a result of being on some cousins gigantic email list. If you're lucky, you'll get a virus too.

2. The Database of addresses. Christmas is a lot like weddings. The thought doesn't count if it didn't cause you trouble. This is why e-mail Christmas cards don't work. They are no trouble. We want you to put yourself out. The best way for that is to take a picture of your family and have it printed on good photographic paper. Then write a long drawn out missive about how well your family is doing. Possibly how blessed they are if you are religious. But now that we have the database of addresses, we can at least mail merge your stupid Christmas card. Problem is, we have to verify it EVERY YEAR and invariably we end up sending the same 3 people cards that won't ever get them.

3. The obligatory office gift. Weather this is an actual gift, or a box of bagels for everyone, it's all the same, free treats! That's why Christmas is so fattening. Everyone is giving food away and you are really going to offend them by not partaking.

4. White Elephants. This has really started to take off apparently. It's even more popular than the standard gift and you get to clean up some crap out of your house at the same time. I'm still using the combination toilet paper dispenser/Alarm/AM-FM Radio. Love it, Love it!

5. Politicians talking about the 'REAL' meaning of Christmas. This makes me all shades of warm and fuzzy. What great leaders we have.

6. Telling your kids that they don't know how good they've got it. That's right, they don't, and what's more, they don't care. These poor cretins only have success and plenty to compare to, so telling them that things used to be really bad for grandma and grandpa falls on deaf ears, but if they are clever, they will look like they understand in order to minimize the holiday preaching.

7. Re-telling of Christmas Stories. Sure, this started with Rankin Bass et al, but even today, we have people trying to tell the definitive story of The Grinch, or The little drummer boy, or even the Christmas story itself. Apparently we were doing it wrong, thank you for showing us how wrong we really are Hollywood.

8. Newscasts about the poor. Need has no season. Boy is that ever true, that's why the salvation army is out there 365/24/7 trying to collect money for the indigent. Then we get the heartfelt story about people that are in need. I understand the news' need to be topical, but please, we probably gave at the office, school, and church already.

9. Talk amongst the elderly about how fast the time flies. This one really does speak for itself.

I'm gonna end it before 10 even though I could go on and on and on (and ramble like I usually do). Have a merry Christmas and enjoy the holiday season in any and every way you know how. If you're reading this, you know I think you're aces and am lucky to count you as my friend.

Merry Christmas etc.

No comments: