top 10 reasons Ghosts don't exist

Boo!

So here we are, first day after Halloween. I found out that the actual spooky day of haunting and stuff according to the local Wiccans is actually somewhere in early November. So I figure I'm only late for trick or treats and not for ghosts. I love ghosts and ghost stories, if for no other reason than to hear people tell the tale. After years of collecting ghost stories, I've come to the conclusion that there are simply no such things as ghosts. By ghosts, I mean the spirits of dead people that not only still walk the earth, but have decided to bother the living with their incessant moaning and carrying on.

top 10 reasons there are no such things as ghosts.

10. Because Hollywood is a bunch of liars. - Since when does Hollywood embrace any idea that's actually factual? The only thing I know about Hollywood is that they make money from telling good stories and good stories are always embellished and edited. The true story never comes out. So when I see a movie like the Changeling (still one of my favorite scary movies even though there is no blood or gore or anything) I know that ghosts do much cooler stuff on celuloid than in real life.




9. 1 billion Hindu's can't be wrong. - I don't feel like reincarnation and Ghosts are compatible philosophies. If you are going to a new state of existence, you don't have time to hang around lamenting the choices of your previous life. After all, you are moving on to bigger and better things. This is likely not reflected in the direct philosophy of Hinduism, but I'll still bet there are ghost believers in the religion that try to make it work. If I knew that I had a new swing at life ahead of me after death, I sure wouldn't hang around the mistakes of my past any longer than I had to, I'd definitely be in for making new ones in a new existence.


8. It's all in your head silly - When I first heard about waking dreams it all made sense. I was asleep in my bed and I woke up suddenly and saw a black shadow of a man in my room staring at me. It was freaky real, but I just kept staring at him and he literally evaporated. A waking dream is the subconscious of your dream mind intersecting with the more literal and business like conscious mind. It makes for hallucinations that seem very real. If you ever do have an experience like that, it might be time to trade out your furnace. Carbon Monoxide poisoning will give you dark visions as well as several other side effects that could make the most staunch non-believer think that they are plagued by poltergeists.









7. Patrick Swayze made more movies after Ghost - Everyone knows that ghosts don't move around a lot, in fact, they are pretty much seen in the same places all the time. It is also a well known fact that Patrick Swayze actually had many more movies AFTER ghost. Point Break, To Wong foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar, and who could forget Dirty Dancing Havana Nights. Clearly Patrick Sawyze survived beyond being a Ghost. We aren't sure the same could be said for Whoopi Goldberg. Maybe in Sister Act 2, she became pious enough to cast out demons though...something to think about.



6. The dead are overrated - The dead on earth have been hyped up so much that there is NO WAY they could live up to that kind of hype. Turning peoples hair white, moving furniture and not in a helpful way, whispering/yelling to Hamlet, and that whole Ouija board farce. After this kind of ability attribution, you gotta know that spirits are far too afraid to show up because the bar has been placed so high that there is no way they could measure up. Lets be serious, closing a door in an already stiff breeze is not really going to impress anyone above the age of 13.












5. MOM! - If there were such things as ghosts, don't you think that all the dead mothers in the world would return to nag their progeny? What mother wouldn't break the chains forged in life to come back for just one more 'I told you so' or 'Why can't you be more like your brother?'. This world would be silly with them. so much so that they wouldn't even be creepy, it would just be assumed that once you as a mother died your mother would be released to the great beyond and you would be left to haunt your kids until their untimely demise. As it is, not too much of that going around. Dad's obviously wouldn't bother with haunting their kids because they need to learn life for themselves like he did. No ghosts came down and told him the right turns to take and besides, there's a good game in heaven that he doesn't want to miss the Fallen Angels might really have a chance against those goody two shoes Heavnly Hosts this year..






4. It would have been on the news by now. - Surely someone would have caught the image of a dark spirit flipping the bird to those left behind. If for no other reason, to mess up those family pictures that they really didn't like posing for in life. The media instead bores us to tears with news of the living...YAWN. And no, the Discovery Channel/TLC doesn't count. Those aren't ghosts either, read #10 again.













3. Wouldn't there be ghosts haunting other holidays? - Sure Halloween would be the obvious choice for spirits of all stripes to strut their stuff, and there is a few notable ghosts that wander around during Christmas. Veterans day ghosts should be all over the place. What about the valentines day ghost? You're telling me the suicides of unrequited love don't produce a few shades to bother the objects of their affections? Not really. On the other hand, it could be that in committing suicide, they realized that their true love wasn't worth the trouble and suddenly moved on.








2. If ghosts were real, we wouldn't be scared of them - After all, we are afraid of them because they are created from our imagination and as such are something beyond our understanding and control. If ghosts were real, they would be provable by something beyond a crappy recording on an old cassette tape slowed down and sped up until it made a phrase that sounded something like 'pudding isn't good'. They would be able to not only be photographed, but posed in such a way to make family photos more meaningful. They could do helpful things like tell us where we left our car keys and if our credit card is being used without our authority. In fact, if ghosts were real, they would quickly not be because they would move on after realizing what a bunch of lazy self serving louts we really are in life.

1. The government would find some way to tax them - The phrase 'death and taxes' really says it all. Once you are dead, you don't pay taxes any more. That's because the Government can't collect it from you. Either because you have relocated out of their jurisdiction, or because you don't use money anymore. Either way, if you don't exist to the Government, there is a fairly high likelyhood that you don't exist at all on this plane of existence.





Sorry I took October off, but it was a hectic month. I will be back on my 2 a month schedule, or more if I get more motivated, or my own ghost prompts me with something wittier than I already put down here.