Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Top 10 political phrases

To use an overly used phrase: Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that it's politics season. It's time to listen to a few of the most ambitious "A" type personalities that you can imagine try to pretend that they are just like you and me. They are of course nothing of the sort.

Allow me to profile the average politician. As I said before..."A" type personality. Control freak. Drama Queen. Personable. Liar. Cheerleader. I could go on, but you get the picture. Big fat phony baloney windbags. Of course now we have a few politicians that look different, but they won't be different. The reason is because of what they have to do in order to ascend to the presidency. They have to try to convince the largest part of active voters that they are the right candidate for the job WITHOUT waking up the other voters.

One side of communication is your audience. Unfortunately, if you want to see who the politicians are talking to, you only have to go stand in line at the DMV. Look at the people around you. That is America. One of the scariest realizations you will ever have.

How do you communicate to the masses and make them believe that you are the best person to spend the money in the public treasury? You can't sit down with all of them and get to know them and lie to them individually, you have to lie on a broad scale. This requires quick short 'sound bites' that sound great but commit to very little, OR words that commit to a lot, but are hampered by the surrounding political infrastructure.

Couple this with the fact that you as a politician have been insulated from the public ever since you attained your first public office. So you hire speech writers that you don't pay very much because if you do, they will become insulated from the public experience as well. These speech writers put common phrases that are recognizable to the public in your speech. They make you seem more human than you really are.

Since we know that they aren't human, what is it that they are saying?! Well here ya go...

10. American People - Ex: "We want to promote values that are in line with the American People" What American People really means: The people I'm talking to. I have to keep reminding myself who it is that I'm talking to because I'm not sure anymore. This is a lot like these people that use your name when you are the only one in the room. "Do you hear what I'm saying Mark?" I'm the only guy here jerk. If you think using my name adds emphasis to your message, well, it does, just the wrong emphasis. Now I can't tear myself away from the idea that you are a dill-weed. (P.S. Sleestax RULE).

9. American Values - There really is no end to the flag swinging that goes on in the political debate. Politicians go on and on about 'American Values' Because we all know that those Subversive Canadians don't have our values. How much is the Canadian Dollar worth again? Translation: Values of whatever you want to vote for, whatever that is.

8. Get this country back on track - This one is especially funny coming from people that have been spending your money in the first place. Why is it that people running for office think the country is a wreck and people in office think it's going great. Get this country back on track?!? What they are really saying is "I hope that when I get in office things go better but I have no clue"

7. Big business needs to take responsibility - Decoded "lets blame people that make money for making it. They had to have done it in a way that was unfair to you so they should be made to pay" I've got mixed feelings about big business. The reason they get into trouble is because they are greedy, but greed is what drives this country. If business were just a little bit nice to their employees, there would be no Unions. If Unions were a little smarter about how they ride business, all the jobs might not be moving to Naftaxico. It's a vicious cycle.

6. I will work closely with Big Business - This is almost the opposite of #7 , and yet both of them can be found in the same speech. This one really means "I've had my palms greased so much by certain companies that they will be slippery for the next 4 years at least"

5. I will work hard with my friends from across the aisle - What a crock. Work hard? the real key to this phrase is the 'friends' word. Of course they are friends, they are all the same. both sides of the aisle get better healthcare and better benefits than any other blue collar employee and most other white collar employees in the country. Work hard with my friends BAH. Translation: When we get together for cocktails paid for by the U.S. Citizen, we'll laugh about what we are getting for what we are doing.

4. I feel your pain - this one is famous, but it's taken so many shapes, it ends up to be this "I'm glad your hurting, because you'll vote for me" Plain and simple. Pain and suffering is the coin of the political realm. If we are fat and happy watching our TV, we won't be motivated to vote.

3. My opponent is a slave to special interests - Special interests are one of the most insideous pieces of our government. Why should we allow foriegn lobbys influence our congress? we do. this has nothing to do with all the local companies that grease the plams of the politically ambitious. Most of them spend lots of porkfat on both sides of the isle. Translation "Vote me in so I can be a slave to those interests". I did get this one from Oh Brother where art thou, and yet, it seems to ring true today.

2. we need to be proud of America again - I hate this one. At it's best it's pandering, and at it's worst, it says that the current opponent would make people ashamed of America. Politicians are a necessary evil in any government. As a result we will have to put up with them. Allow history to judge the politicians for what they did. Not lousy political grandstanders. Translation: If you put me in office, I promise you won't be embarrased of me, as long as I don't get caught.

1. I'm a political outsider! - Then why in the WORLD should we vote for you? This is the dumbest one I've ever heard. It insults a politicians constituency as well as other politicians. I've not seen it work yet. Who would hire a lawyer based on the fact that they were not brought up in the legal system and they are a fresh face in law? Nobody. Translation: I will say whatever it takes to get elected and if there are votes for being a newbie, so be it.

Well, as distastefull as it is, there you have it. Happy polling and I hope our future is really brighter than I'm afraid it is.


Vail said...

That was a good drum break. OK, seriously that was a good breakdown of the political phrases. Funny stuff.

Barry Westheim said...

Funny stuff! That pic of McCain and Hillary sharing a warm look is classic.