Friday, August 29, 2008

Top 10 Wishes

So you are walking down the beach and you see a strange looking bottle. You pick it up and uncork it to find that a rather large genie is standing before you. To show you his gratitude the genie will grant you 1 (count em 1) wish. He mentioned how the 3 wishes thing was blown up by the media and it was never really the case. Now to put a twist on it, a 2nd genie comes out of the bottle and says he will give you your wish as well. Wow! you think, 2 X the wishes (I wish you would beat me 1/2 to death with that stick...if you don't know the joke, send me a comment, it's worth a retell) The catch with the 2nd wish is this is how the genie WANTS to grant it to you.

So to get this straight. wish 1 is the wish the way you want it. Wish 2 is the same wish but the way the genie wants to give it to you. Rules of wishes. We've all heard these before, but lets go over them one more time if you aren't a Disney Fan. 1. You can't alter someone else's will (make others fall in love with you, do something they don't want to do etc). 2. You can't wish for more wishes you greedy so and so. One wish is more than anyone gets so be satisfied with it. 3. No bringing back people from the dead (there is some lee way on killing them).

Here we go!

10. Money - Duh. The genie is so tired of this wish, he's thinking of just showing up with a couple of gold bricks to cuff you up side your head with. Money money money. Everyone wishes for it. You know I do. The funny thing is, If I look at how much I make and what I have now, I've already got more than 95% of the people on the planet. The Genie is probably disgusted. So if the wish is money, depending on how you wished it, The Good genie would give you a bank account with endless 0's in it's balance. The bad genie (thanks monkeys paw!) will kill a close wealthy relative so you can collect the money, or put you in a horrible disfiguring accident that leaves you without the use of your arms and legs but receiving an impossibly huge settlement from all the oil companies and Martha Stewart (it was a really bad accident).

9. Security - This is what we are really asking for when we ask for money. What we really want is security. I would love to know my job is always there for me, or my family will always be safe etc. Who needs money if you have security. Of course the mean Genie will just kill you because the dead fear nothing. If by Genie rules he's not allowed to kill you, he will probably just poof you a large handgun and a conceal carry permit. The good genie has a bigger problem. How do I give you ultimate security? Probably make you immortal, but that wasn't the wish. The good genie would be left with telling you that any genuine fear you have will be immediately taken care of on a case by case basis. Depending on how fearless you are already this wish may end up being a moot point because a lot of people make their own security.

8. Youth - Of course if you are young, you don't know the value of this wish. As you age everything about you gets older except your brain. Your brain still thinks of you at around 20 or so. This is why you'll see so many middle aged men incur sports related injuries at their 25 year High School Reunion. The good genie would of course give you your 20ish body that you would have to explain to all of your currently middle aged friends. The bad genie would likely have an island full of really old ugly people and tell you that as long as you stay on that island you will be 20 years old, but if you leave you'll look worse than a picture of Dorian Grey.

7. Immortality - This is a little different than Youth. People that wish for this are wishing to not have to worry about things like disease and dying but will be stuck at the age they are at. You might be able to get a dismemberment rider in there to say that you also will not lose any appendages and everything will work properly throughout the eons. Of course if you have watched Highlander at all, you know that being immortal means that you must get used to the idea that all of your friends and family will die. The good genie will give you the immortality you seek and you will be impervious to death and disease. The bad genie will think about it for a while and then put you in a coma to be maintained by medical science indefinitely. Not what you asked for exactly, but it makes him snicker.

6. Beauty/Charisma. Tired of being the ugly bag of bones you are? Want those model looks that God didn't grace you with? Just tap that wish and it's all yours. Wait a minute. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? So if you are looking for ultimate beauty either you would have to change in appearance to match the ideal of whoever is beholding you, or you would have to become a universal definition of beauty (look it up in the dictionary, picture of you). The good genie just makes it easy and makes you the most beautiful/handsome person you could possibly be and nobody would deny it. The bad genie would just send you to church where everyone would tell you you looked great.

5. The destruction of your enemy - Hold on there cowboy! no wishing against the will of someone else! OH!!! you don't want to directly affect them, just everything around them...hmmmm...So you don't care how well off you are, you just want to make sure that jerk suffers. really have some anger issues don't you. Well, if that's what you want to blow your wish on, I guess we can do it. So your enemies fields are salted, their animals are starved to death, they can't find a good job. The Bad Genie would make it easy and just make your boss managed by you and call it good.

4. I want to give my brother 3 wishes - Very noble indeed, but you remember proviso number 2 above. NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES!!! Oh, I guess you wouldn't be getting the wishes hmmm. You trust your brother with more wishes than you got? But you figure that your brother would give you what you wish for and he could have 2 wishes left over, that was more than you got. Good genie doesn't like it, but he wanders off to your brother and comes back 3 minutes later. His wife looks like a million bucks, All his credit cards are paid off, but not his house because he needs the tax write off, and he has a magic box that continually makes fresh krispy kreme doughnuts. Your brother wasn't really that bright. The bad genie would just turn you into a genie so you could be in charge of fulfilling your dopey brothers wishes.

3. Eat whatever you want to without gaining weight - I include this because I've heard it so many times. "I wish I could eat whatever I wanted to and it wouldn't go to my (place where your weight goes)." The dieters first wish is to not feel the ill effects of their gluttony. The good genie would just make it so your stomach would only absorb the exact amount of calories that you need and the rest of the food just disappears (maybe to the plate of a very hungry family that could make use of the wishes better than you). The bad genie of course will just make it so you can't walk anywhere, you must wind sprint. after 2 weeks, you'll burn every calorie you ever had.

2. I could do real magic - I remember hoping for something along these lines when I was a kid. when I grew older I scaled down this fruitless wish to the desire to move things with my mind (Telekinesis). Now I would just like to perform a good card trick without my kids telling me where I put the card I hid. The good genie would just give you mental power over all the elements (that should cover it). Of course if you really had this power, you would want to show it off and then you would be the target of nearly every government, but if you could keep it a secret then you would be ok. But then what's the point of doing real magic? The bad genie would once again turn you into a genie and then grumble about the grass being greener as you smoke into your bottle waiting for some other sad sack to pick you up.

1. Lucky - I have wished this many times myself. When the light of good fortune smiles right next to you, you lament your luck. Why can't I be lucky like so and so. I've been right next to a person that has seen a royal flush come up on their draw poker machine. I've seen people win lots of money/prizes and wondered why when I need some luck, the exact opposite happens to me. Well I'm sure a part of it is that I treat lucky events in my life as though they just should have happened so I don't appreciate them. Good genie makes you the best Yahtzee player in recorded history. Bad genie puts you on the planet and then hits it with a meteor to find you the only person left alive. Wow, that was lucky.

1 comment:

Scoops Mangum said...

Probably the best post yet my friend! And you say you can't write. Pshaw and Phooey to you.