Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Top 10 Idiot Drivers

We all do it. We all at one point or another are exposed to idiots. I've found that 9 times out of 10, the idiots you run across are driving within a few car lengths of your proximity. These ersatz drivers license holders should not only have their privilege revoked, but they should be made to go to non-idiot school.

This is one of the few blogs that I actually have much more than 10 entries for, but since I've molded my on line image into top 10 lists, I will resist. I've been thinking of starting another blog for my short rants and not break my self imposed 10 items rule but that's another subject for another day.

The following represents most of the people on the road that you have yelled at, made hand gestures to, looked at meaningfully across several lanes of traffic, or maybe even took their license plate down because they were SO bad. Understand that most of these elements are seen alone only rarely and are usually coupled with several other members on the list.

10. - The Racer - You know this guy. He thinks that the freeway is the Taledega 500 and He's Ricky Bobby. He zips in and out of lanes as effortlessly as a beginning bowler jumping lanes with a 10 lb ball. This person not only is a hazard because he's cutting through the natural flow of traffic, but his erratic movements make him unpredictable. But once he has a clear lane, he takes off like a shot. This is the guy that wins the 'The Police are never around when you need them' award. But rest assured, the local constabulary will certainly catch up with him because he drives like this EVERY DAY.

9. - Dis intersection wooks scawey! - Ok, you're humming down the road at a reasonable pace and you notice ahead of you in the distance is a red light. Rats! I guess i'll have to stop. Wait a minute! It's turning green!!! YAY Mario Andretti the God of Driving has granted me a boon! Oh no, what now?! The driver ahead of me has decided to put on the brakes anyway...in the middle of a green lighted intersection?! What on Danika Patricks green earth are they thinking? After the intersection, they speed back up again...So I finally am riding in the car with a person that is doing the same thing!!!. I said 'what in the world are you doing?' She said 'Well I'm just scared that something is going to happen in the intersection.' I said ' so you think that by slowing down to something under the speed limit that that will give you the lightning fast reflexes to avoid being T-boned?' She said 'Well, I don't know, I'm just not comfortable in intersections.' She really needs to stop this bad habit or hand in her license, if anything speed up, you'll avoid whatever bogymen lurk in the painted square.

8 - Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize the turnoff was HERE! - These people really annoy me. Say you are in rush hour traffic and you are waiting in a long line of cars at an exit that is well traveled. You see someone in a silver Mercedes zoom all the way up to the front of the exit and then turn on his blinker and signal in. That jerk deserves to drive a Yugo for the rest of his life. I don't care what kind of emergency he has because he has the same emergency every day. People that seem to think that their time is more valuable than yours really deserve to be slapped around. I don't care if you are jumping a line in traffic, customs, or Disneyland. The result is the same, you deserve whatever Karma can deal to you because you are a grade A Jerk.

7 - What is that @$@^! Line Jumper doing?! - Ok, this is exactly the opposite of number 8 and annoys me nearly as much. Here is the deal. When you are driving down the road and you see a merge sign. you know, the one that looks like a funnel made out of road? You are SUPPOSED to occupy both lanes until it is time to merge and then you take turns folding both lanes into one from both sides. Just because you are so sheep like that you can't possibly break the line and go down the other one that isn't being used doesn't mean that other people can't. That merge is like a funnel, except if water acted like you did, it would go out of the funnel faster from one side than it does from the other. Don't be jealous of the people that are filling in the lane, that's what it is there for. You should be gracious and let 1 person merge in front of you. the 2nd person that tries to butt in line IS being a jerk however and is deserving of your ire.

6 - But your Blindspot is really really comfy! - You are going down the freeway and you have been in the same lane for a while. You see that there is someone driving slower than you are in the right hand lane. You don't want to, but you probably are going to pass them. When you turn on your blinkers and make your move you all of the sudden notice that there is someone that has been hanging out in your blind spot for about the last 5 miles. The ONLY way you would see them is if you actually moved your head to look behind you and to the right. You didn't. Now they are giving you the 1 finger salute for cutting them off. Well don't feel TOO badly. If you are a good driver, you manage to stay OUT OF PEOPLES BLIND SPOTS!!!. I understand this is very hard in rush hour traffic, but you can still do it. If you are riding parallel with someone's rear right tire, you are very likely in their blind spot. Either SPEED UP, or SLOW DOWN. Yes, yes, I know, the accident would not be your fault, but does that mean you want it to happen? if you are smart, you will avoid this position and the bigger the vehicle, the more important it is that you remain clear of their blind spot.

5 - Go around! I'm saving time - You WISH this is what that jackass would say. Instead he is going a full 10 miles under the speed limit yammering away on his cellphone. His personal time savings device. You see, he is conducting important business on the phone right there so just go around him. He'll be cutting you off later when he gets off (you can count on it). One of the more creative answers to this is the portable mobile phone blocker. if you get close enough to them with this little dandy, you can scramble any and all cell phone reception. SWEET! There are several bosses I would love to have done that too. There is another person that falls under this category and that is the beauty queen. You've seen her, she's that carton of milk that's reaching her expiration date and she is desperately trying to add a few days. She's got the whole Mary Kay warehouse in the seat next to her and she is going to recapture her lost glory. All the while she is swerving to avoid traffic and going another 10 miles under the speed limit.

4 - Cmon In! I'm sure the 43 people behind me won't mind! - Once again, it's crowded and you are on a packed surface street. It looks like you are going to glide through the next light though. slowly but smoothly. OH NO!!! Mr Friendly has decided to give up his RIGHT OF WAY and let some people into the middle of traffic that are waiting to get out of the 7-11. are you KIDDING ME?! That is a bad accident waiting to happen, and if you are one of the unfortunate souls that is tempted by this venus fly trap of traffic, I say waive them on. The reason you shouldn't be going out there is because while prince charmless has decided that it's time to be magnanimous for the rest of the people in that lane, other people behind him aren't too keen on the idea so they are going around him. Just in time to t-bone you if they aren't being careful. Once again, it's an accident waiting to happen. Let them get out when there is a natural opening. Don't abdicate your right of way to be the 'good Samaritan'

3 - Thump Thump! Who needs a horn - I hope all those idiots go DEAF. If you have a stereo on so loud that you are shaking MY rear view mirrors from 2 car lengths away, you clearly have too many Watts in your Rockford Fossgate. Turn it DOWN. Nobody needs to her whatever crap you think is music, nobody cares that you just bought the latest 8-track of the Beastie Boys for your retro music system. You need to turn it DOWN. You are a distraction at best and when someone honks their horn to warn you of impending danger, your really fly nailpolish paintjob is going to get ruined with nobody to blame but yourself...homeboy...

2 - You people need to OBEY the LAW - Some people really think that they should have been in law enforcement. After all, they see the laws of the road being broken ALL THE TIME! Look at all these maniacs speeding along like they are going to die tomorrow! I'll show em! I'm going to go into their favorite left hand lane and I'm going to drive the speed limit! That'l show em! Ok Grandpa, It's time to go home and watch that vhs of Gunsmoke you recorded. You AREN'T Marshal Dillon, and it's not up to you to force the rest of those speed demons into speed compliance. Stay in your right hand lane and for heavens sake, ease up on those prunes!

1 - I'm pretty sure my wheels were over the line - Once again Mr I can't possibly wait for anything has decided to push peoples patience and walk one more step to someone elses road rage. The left turn light has turned on and it's time for people to make the most dangerous turn in driving. Well, now the light has turned yellow, so those of you that are still in the Intersection should get a move on and that last guy that followed them is ok too. Hold ON! there are 3 more people after the left turn light has long since grown cold. They are all claiming that their wheels were over the line when the light was yellow sooooo...Jerks. You are all Jerks. as long as that light is yellow, that's fine. Yellow is another shade of green in Utah. But when that light is RED that means STOP because it's time for other people to drive no matter how much you think it's ok if you jump this left turn, just this time. STAY PUT JACKASS!

There, I'm done with that subject. If you drive like this. Please stop.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. If you are in law enforcement I've got an idea for you. So you've decided to pull over that speeding guy that drives like his wife is going to be the next octo-mom. How about this, once you've stopped him. Tell him to get off at the next exit and park in the first parking lot he sees. THEN you can conduct your business and leave the rest of the lemming idiots on the freeway with nothing to look at, and it will be much safer for all involved. Just a suggestion. Other than that, you guys do a bangup job and you don't make near enough money for putting up with all these defectives!

Ok, now I'm really done. Thanks for reading and tell your friends!


Dave and Shelly Hestand said...

OMG...Mark....you really did it this time...I think you speak for millions. As a former police officer and trooper...I saw this every day....only problem is...now people will not stop for my blue Trailblazer. Should I get red lights!!! Get those idiots off the road. This is your best yet!!!!!! Shelly and I may never stop laughing!!!

Macotar said...

Thanks so much! I hoped you would enjoy this episode in particular. I always enjoy the comments! :)

1hotmomma said...

Oh man...It's like a copy out of my own personal book of traffic irritations!!!! ESPECIALLY number 1...arrgghh...my children have saved many a ramrod. Those morons have my precious cargo to thank for not being T-boned!