Friday, July 16, 2010

Top 10 comparisons between dieting and religion

So lately I've been on a diet.  I won't bore you with what kind of diet or whatever, just suffice it to say that I am on a regimen of eating that will severely limit my intake of calories.  While I've been denying myself the pleasures of carnal calories, I suddenly realized that there are a great many comparisons to be made between dieting and religion.

I will preface this list by mentioning once again that my goal is not to offend, but rather to entertain.  Most of my observations will come in contrast to the Judeo-Christian religion because that's the one I know the most about.  If you are somehow offended, then I invite you go to a blog that caters to thinner skins.

10.  The goals of Religion and Diets are the same to save you from yourself - In religion of course you are saving yourself from the natural version of you and with a Diet you are saving yourself from an early grave based on all of those dumplings you've been putting away.  They both promise to make you better people. 


9.  Religion consists of many different ways to interpret the will of God.  -  Diets come come with many different ways to reduce your weight.  Say you are an acolyte of Atkins or perhaps a pilgrim of pilates, maybe even a wayfarer of weightwatchers.  All of these ways to reduce the evil from you and leave only the good will still in the end involve trying to make you less of you.

8.  If you believe God is saying different things than I believe, you are at best misguided and at worst a Heritic.  A diet is no different - There are those that follow the new age Gods (HCG) and others that worship Baal (South Beach) and still others that worship the old Gods (Diet and exercise).  The truth is, when you start exchanging stories about your particular brand of reduction religion, those that are not in your camp are clearly mistaken and if you were not every bit a gentleman or lady, you would tell them so.

7.  You gotta have FAITH - Religion and Diets both ask much of you up front.  All of your devotions must be shown in earnest unceasingly before you will be rewarded with the fruits of your labors.  If you don't truly believe in the religion, then the religion can not save you.  If you don't believe in the diet, then you will cheat on the diet and the diet will not work.

6.  Any good religion needs confession, on a diet, you confess to yourself. - before you step on that baleful bathroom bookie known as the scale you remember all the things that you ate that you shouldn't have.  You make up excuses, you rationalize, you figure out ways that it was 'OK'  but In the END, those things will avail you nothing.  It seems that when you are on a diet, any slight variation from the path of truth and light will result in you gaining a couple of pounds back.  At least in religion, once you've confessed your sins, you are given your penance and you move on.  With dieting, there is more of a cause and effect to your transgressions.

5.  There are sheep and there are goats  -  You are on your way to church and you spot a bunch of kids playing basketball on the Sabbath.  Immediately you are given to a snap judgement vis-a-vis their eternal salvation.  One game of hoops on the 7th day of the week (or the first depending on your denomination) and your ticket has been punched.  In dieting, you see those people that are eating, in broad daylight mind you, and enjoying food that is in no way good for them.  How can they stand it?!  Don't they know what they are doing?  It's a shame they aren't you

4.  Go and preach my word - This one is interesting because Religion espouses this and dieting is not really committed on it one way or the other, yet dieting proves to create a great many more evangelists than Religion.  Once a person starts eating right and getting thinner, they trade their desire for french fries for a desire to tell you ALL about their diet.  They will tell you what foods are 'fat burners' (oddley it's pretty much only celery, I was pulling for Philly Cheese-Steaks) and what exercises will maximize your metabolism and really kick your diet into High Gear.  You start talking like you are the editor of Prevention magazine.  Religion would like you to convert a heathen or two, but the truth is, you just don't really want to ask someone what their relationship with God is.  Instead you would much rather ask them what they ate for dessert last night (at least you can live vicariously through their sin)

3.  Kids are born into this world with no knowledge of religion or dieting - as a baby, you have no need of diets.  you need to just eat as much and as often as you can.  Your mom and dad may take you to church, but the truth is, you are either going to poop, eat or sleep while you are there.  

2.  Religion has it's Saints and Prophets, so does dieting - Every diet has a testimonial from a person that still owns their giant pants that they know can encompass their whole family and a couple of pets.  Many diets are originated by some sadistic doctor bent on the destruction of the enjoyment of life. They will espouse a strict adherence to a regimen of mealtime directives that will guarantee you are miserable while losing weight.   When you hear of the inspirational story of Miss Stacy Klumworth and how she lost over 86 lbs on the amazing grapefruit diet, you are amazed at her fortitude and how if you could only lose a small fraction of what she lost, then you would be able to recapture that lost bit of youth you've dropped along the way.  In religion it's a bit harder to get these statuses and usually require more than a overly large pair of novelty pants.

1.   In both cases, you don't want to go, but you feel like you should - Who want's to diet?  really?  I didn't think so.  Of course not.  Who wants to deprive themselves of what they want just so they can shed a few pounds.  Who wants to go to Church...really?  Oddly enough, it's usually the same people that want to diet.  And so in our never ending quest to improve ourselves, there we are.

Day late again, but I got it in.  Sure it's not my best, but what are ya gonna do?  See ya in a couple of weeks or so.  Oh yeah, and click on the add links a lot.  if you do it about 8 bazillion times. I'll get a dime or something.  I'm worth a dime right? right?!  hello?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Amen, and hallelujah.