Tuesday, November 30, 2010

top 10 inventions by the Devil

Satan is an interesting character.  He's often blamed for influencing us poor humans into doing some pretty bad stuff.  I know in my own case, I have nobody to blame but myself for the stupid/bad things that I do.  I'll take full credit when I ring my items out of the convenience store checkout counter of life.  There are some things in life however that I think may have in fact been invented by the father of lies.  They seem to be there and yet serve mostly an evil purpose.  I realize that all of the things I will mention have actual originators that may be offended, I'm sorry.  This is just my take, and perhaps the take of the Dark Lord of the Netherworld who had no part in this blog...that I'm aware of...

10.  Insurance - Every kind of insurance is based on a couple of things.  Distributing risk, and fear.  Invented by the Dutch to offer an alternative to bankruptcy when your ship sank at sea, Insurance is the sale of perceived protection from fear.  Without the fear part the whole thing doesn't really work.  Distributing risk speaks more to the product.  Fear speaks more to the profit.  In the end, no matter how much you pay, you rarely ever get your money's worth out of insurance.  Anyone who is a big proponent of insurance in general is probably someone that thinks that they benefit from it (like an owner or shareholder) or someone who is deathly afraid of having sudden expenses in the case of illness or accident.  Which they will anyway even if they DO have insurance.  The Devil thrives on fear, so if he didn't invent it, He'd be proud to take credit.

9.  Pharmaceuticals - Medical Doctors take an oath  to 'do no harm'.  I don't think there is any such motto in the Pharmaceutical industry.  I think it's motto is 'do harm that is small enough to not get you a class action suit'  Which I'm pretty sure is not even translatable in Latin.  Medicine tries to lengthen life.  Pharmaceuticals try to lengthen treatment.  Why cure something in once dose if you can do it in 20?  This has Lucifer's hoof prints all over it

8.  Teeth - Lets be serious.  Our teeth are a big part of enjoying food which is a big part of life.  If you had to eat everything from a straw, then things would get pretty boring on the food front.  So we have teeth that are great for tucking into all kinds of victuals.  If these teeth were designed like shark teeth, we would be just fine,  tooth goes bad, pop and in clicks a new one.  no problem.  Of course we have the other kind of teeth that get ground down and decayed if you eat anything sweet (which we happen to like a LOT). Pain and suffering?  Yeah, I think we know who appreciates that and it's not your middle school Gym teacher...wait a minute...it all makes sense now!

7.  Motion Picture council of America - Jack Valente is the leader of this OH so secret band of movie judgment passers.  You just never know what they are going to do on any given day.  The reason this group is probably spawned of Baal is due to the fact that they seem to be followed blindly and yet are so capricious in their judgments.  Sometimes you see a movie that's PG and it seems really violent.  You see a movie that has a little bit too much innuendo and it's Rated R.  Sure the ratings help us as parents and consumers, but it seems to also be a tool of money making for the film industry.  They can decide if a film makes money or not just by the right or wrong rating.  There are shifting standards and subjective rules.  I believe the Devil is in these details.

6.  2 and a half men - I just know the devil is involved with this show somehow.  I just KNOW it.

5.  Publishers Clearing House - As a kid I was CERTAIN that we would win the PCH if we would just get a couple of subscriptions and do all the little things correctly we would be walking away with a giant cardboard check.  It was really my first introduction to gambling.  Those things were loaded with lots of hope but only offered vague despair.  Not only did you not win, but you had to send a self addressed stamped envelope to see if you won.  I never got the list.  I guess I never expected to be on it.  If this isn't the magazine club of the Devil himself, certainly it is that of a lesser demon since most paper publications are going the way of Ed McMahon.

4.  BCS Bowl system - This is more about protecting money than evil.  On the other hand, it's pretty evil to not let teams play in a bowl game just because they aren't a part of the 'club'  or better yet they can't play for the large rankings because some bunch of minions of Satan decide which direction the votes go.  If the college football Gods would deign to interfere with Beelzebub's racket I believe they would institute a end of season tournament.  Of course some sacred cows would have to be melted down in order to get that to happen.

3.  Technology - You buy something that is the treasure of your heart initially.  5 years later.  It is garbage and might not even be worth throwing away because it's probably too heavy.  Does it work?  Of course it does, perfectly.  Who other than the son of the morning would give us such a maddening situation as technology.  Working for things we throw away?!?  Talk about slaves.  My shackles are as great as anybodies.  I just hope that 3-D TV is the end of the road (as far as flat panel displays go.  I think we are a ways off of holographic style displays.  Lucifer LOVES to keep you buying the same things over and over again.

2.  Cabbage Patch Kids - I Still remember the year that the Cabbage Patch Kids came out.  It was my first experience with hot Christmas toy fever.  You see, the same year, Laser Tag hit the market.  It was HUGE!  but not nearly as huge as those butt-ugly collections of cloth and stuffing.  Each one more hideous than the next, but they were IT.  I saw lines of people waiting at stores at the mere rumor of one or two becoming available.  It was bizarre.  Only a true serpent would influence a child to love this kind of rubbish and in turn enslave their parents to burning blood and treasure in the pursuit of a silly toy.  A greater, more ironic perversion of Christmas there really couldn't be.

1.  Post Classic Loony Tunes -  Loony Tunes are a quintessential classic cartoons series.  Created in the days when censorship was limited to adult themes and even that definition was pretty loose.  Loony Tunes were so great that every cartoon series that came after was, and still is, influenced by the creative genius of the greats of the day.  I'm speaking of course of the Artistic direction of Chuck Jones, Bob Clampet, Friz Freleng, Tex Avery, Robert McKimson along with the ubiquitous vocal talent of Mel Blanc.  If you have read my blog on how suits ruin everything, then you know that this is no exception.  There have been so many re-mixes and re-makes of these classic cartoons and they all fall so far short of the Mark that Only Satan with his clever counterfeits of truth and beauty could create such monstrosities.  The vocals are usually done by Mel Blanc's son.  He has some of the pipes of his old man, but not quite.  The cartoon direction falls under any one of many nameless wannabe's.  The sad part is you can tell that the bottom line is the only bottom line in the production of these horrible rhinestones. 

If this is what awaits me in Hell, then I hope I'm only visiting.  Thanks for reading.  click on some ad's If you all do several times, I'll make something on the order of .38 cents.  SWEET!

Monday, November 15, 2010

10 tips for the successful stalker

Ah, I remember my first adolescent crush.  The cellphone was still on Captain Kirks Belt and the only Batman around did the Batusi with Eartha Kit.  Since I had little or no confidence, I was not about to go galumphing up to the object of my affections, I had to be smart about it.  I had to feel out the situation.  I had to use every bit of cleverness at my 13 year old disposal.  I know!  I'll stalk her!  Back then it wasn't called stalking, it was called being annoying.  I wasn't even THAT successful.  But looking back, I think I have some good tips for those wanna be stalkers out there.

Now before some of you get all unglued about this I want you to remember, I was a 13 year old stalker, not a 32 year old stalker.  There is a big difference.  Ok, not really, except for the 19 years.  But when you're 13, you don't really have any other choice.  32 on the other hand...  If you are stalking someone and they are not only not interested in you, but actually have gone to the trouble of getting a restraining order, or even just threatening to do so, that is a really strong social cue to CUT IT OUT.  Besides, stalking is only really fun if there is still a chance that the other party will find you even remotely cute for the effort.

10.  Take up exercise - What does this have to do with stalking?!  Well, a lot.  You see, if you are going to get a random glimpse of your target on the way in or out of their house from getting the mail, you have to have a reason to be riding your bike down their street when the mail arrives.  Well if you are exercising, that makes it a lot easier to find yourself there and for somewhat legitimate reasons.  Do it at roughly the same time every day and at least you are getting some sun!

9.  Look without being seen - Always sit on the school bus next to a window at 45 degree angles from your quarry.  This way you can look at them longingly while everyone else thinks you are looking out the window.  Nobody will be the wiser.  Unless of course they look at you through the reflection.  Then you have to quickly shift your gaze to something outside the bus.  Like maybe that half crushed tin can or something.

 8.  Bring Zingers - If you are on a stake out waiting to get another look at her, you need several things, but chief among them is to keep your strength up!  If you don't have a ready supply of sugar and starch around, you're liable to find yourself napping on the job.  That's no good.

 7.  Talk to your prey with all of your stalking knowledge - Few things will make you more attractive to your target like talking to her about things you know she is doing but the average person wouldn't know.  The internet of course makes this a LOT easier.  Used to be you had to attend their church, or hang around their parents if you saw them in a store hoping to overhear some tidbit of information.  A conversation could go as follows:  Target talking to her friend on the bus:  'So yeah I guess I'm going to my uncles house this weekend with the family'  You interject slyly ' I hear that Moscow Idaho is lovely this time of year'.  Your target will give you a look that is a combination of awe and suspicion.  Now you've got her thinking about you!  good job! 

6.  Live to fight another day!  -  Stalking is a lot more like being a bad secret agent than anything.  You are trying to be stealthy while being seen.  If your target all of the sudden approaches you, bolt!  Make a get away.  She might actually talk to you or something.  We both know nothing good can come of that, so get out of there!  A different trick that is fun is being seen by your target and then as they turn away get out of sight like in the movies.  It's really creepy, but you won't think it is.

5.  Who doesn't want a secret admirer - Write your hearts desire a note filled with cryptic references that she will not be interested at all in figuring out.  Leave obvious clues that point to you, but deny it if you are confronted with obvious evidence like your dad's letterhead.  Make an ill fitting poem that has ham fisted verse filled with rhymes like Awesome and Blossom or even Cool and Fool or Pool.  Just listen to some pop music, you'll get the idea.  No, I never kept the poem and I don't remember it's contents.

4.   Well if you don't like notes, how about presents? - Buy your subject a surprisingly expensive gift and leave it anonymously.  This appears to fly in the face of prior advice, but really, it all makes sense.  You just have to look at it the right way.  If the present is something fairly personal and yet well beyond the scope of a friendship gift, you've hit a bullseye.  Something like a heart pendant on a gold plated chain would be nice.  Or perhaps one of those combination lip balm brooches you find in Avon catalogs.  It's all gold.

3.   Get the INFO - Now that we have the internet, this is stupid easy - Getting information about your target is so easy now, it's probably not even worth doing.  After all, one of the objects of stalking is proving what kind of trouble you will go to in order to prove your feelings.  Internet information is so easily had that it doesn't show much effort at all.  In fact it will probably make them block you on facebook.  Sure it's not particularly effective, but still it's a sign that they don't really want you paying them any attention at all.  So instead, keep your actions live.  On the other hand, having a website dedicated to your true love shows some initiative and will score big in the simultaneously creepy/cute category.  Make sure you have all of your poems and mix lists on it so they know how you feel.

2.  If you don't have pictures, it didn't happen - In this age of technology, you need to take lots of pictures.  This used to be a lot more difficult because you had to take the film somewhere to get developed.  Now you just have pictures.  You can print out your favorites and decorate your shrine to her or better yet, decorate the afor mentioned fan website with pictures taken at times and places where they had no idea that someone would be watching them.  They will think you are so COOL!  I'm sure they will admire you from afar while calling the police.

1.  re-plan all of your class routes so that you will incidentally see her after every class - Nothing can get you through the day like seeing your crush on a purely accidental basis.  This is a lot like the bike thing, but this is while you are at school.  Nobody can stop you from taking a different path to class.  who cares if you have to double back and pretend you forgot something every day if it gets the timing right.  If you play your cards right, she will just think she sees you all the time because of dumb luck.  ha!  Dumb like a fox!

This was painful to write on some counts.  I won't tell you which because it's all too embarrassing.  On the other hand, I have a feeling it's all too common (I hope).  Once again, these tips are for the painfully shy yet goofy 13 year old, If you're an adult.  It's time for a new chapter in life.  If you're 13, this really isn't very good advise, I wouldn't follow it.