Monday, August 15, 2011

top 10 US cities you'll find me if I'm in the Witness protection program.

You watch enough movies, eventually you will see a movie about someone turning states evidence against his boss or other influential person.  Once that person has given up the information, and the state determines that there is substantial risk of reprisal,  the state will put them into witness protection.  This means you get a new name, new social security,  new job, new everything.  You don't get to contact any friends, family or anything again because you will blow your cover and risk being identified by whomever you testified against.  Of course you also get a new City.  It will be a city you don't like to go to, or go in, so these are the cities you would find me in if I were to turn states evidence against someone of some power, and the reasons why.

10.  New Orleans - The Big Sleazy.  I'm not a drinker, but if I were I really don't think I'd like to live in New Orleans.  Of the cities on my list, this one probably has the most specific culture.  I have been there twice and both times I thought the town smelled like humid puke.  I was fairly close to the french quarter, but that doesn't really change my perception.  The only reason to visit is to get drunk or get your fortune told by a pretty cut quality fortune teller.

9.  Toledo Ohio - I worked for a year one summer in Toledo Ohio.  It's not that it's such a horrible city, but rather that there was nobody there.  It's a burnt out shell of it's former glory, whatever that was. It's the home of glass as Owens Corning has substantial interests there.  I got some lovely Christmas Tree glassware there.  Don't forget Tony Paco's!  Oh yeah, unless you watch 'classic' TV and more specifically MASH, you probably won't get that.

8.  Honolulu Hawaii - What?  Paradise on earth?  Who would not want to live there?!?  Me.  I haven't ever visited, but I've never wanted to.  I just can't get my head around the fact that if you are bored with all the sand and beach, you have nowhere to go without paying a pretty hefty plane ticket.  Not that I go too many places.  Probably a nice place to visit, but I would want to make sure I've got a return ticket.  Who knows, maybe if I ever go I'll completely change my mind and pine away for my next trip to Hawaii.

7.  Detroit Michigan -  Motor City.  Well, Burnout City is more like it.  I've been several times and they try really hard to make some nice places, but it's just very industrial and really harsh.  It doesn't help that I've mostly driven foreign cars.  My view may be tainted by the fact that every time I've visited there it's rained horribly and I had to work and it just looks like factories as far as the eye can see.

6.  Green Bay Wisconsin - Sorry either you are a Packers fan or you aren't.  If you are, I'm sure it's a wonderful town.  Living there would be like a party every day.  Otherwise, eeesh.

5.  Alaska - Home of the overall coldest temperatures in the States.  I'm not a huge fan of extreme cold.  There really aren't any cities there that aren't really cold.  Plus I'm really not a 'rough 'n ready'  Nature kind of guy. International Falls Minnesota actually holds the average cold record so I wouldn't want to be there either. 'Nuff Said.

4.  Atlantic City - I'm a gambling fan.  I really like it.  I live close to Las Vegas and I've been a few times.  Friendly people, lots of Casinos with differing rules so each player has lots of choices.  Atlantic City.  Grumpy people, Some casinos, and the rest of the city looks like 1979 Beirut.  On top of that, if you are driving in, you are probably going to take the Toll Way.  I'm already driving in to gamble.  Do you honestly need me to pay driving there and back as well?  Yes you can take the back roads, but it's like they are telling you 'we are gonna gig you at every turn'. 

3.  Pensacola Florida - Another city I've never been to.  I'm basing this 'Don't wanna go' city on the fact that it DOES reside in Florida, home of one of my favorite entertainment spots (Orlando Florida), but it is SO far away, that people that live in that city get excited to go to Orlando because it's really a novelty to them.  Otherwise I'm sure it's a lovely city.

2.  New York , New York - The city so nice they named it twice!  Yeah it's nice...and expensive.  Not the MOST expensive by any means, but the thing I was never a big fan of was the overall attitude that I found there that New York is, in fact, the center of the Universe.  Sure they have many diverse slices of life and it is a really big city, but it's not EVERYTHING.  So the feds would probably plunk me in the middle of it in a little tiny apartment that costs more per month than 3 times my house and taxes are fan-tas-tic.  If I get put there, maybe they will pay off my parking ticket from 1990.

1.  Cleveland Ohio - The only city that I got mugged in.  Granted it was a long time ago.  It wasn't overly violent and the guy said thanks after I gave him my money.  So, for some reason, it kind of tainted my view of the city.  I've been back since.  It's probably not a horrible city.  But not that great in my book.

I'm sure some of you will say 'Hey Mark!  I like (insert city here) !  Go ahead.  There is no problem.  In fact, you'll probably see me in that city, so you can come visit me.  Just don't tell the mob!

No comments: