Sunday, July 15, 2012

10 Definitions for the usage of the word Sh!#

This is a family blog so I'm not going to actually use the swear word.  To that point I'm actually not sure about the word that is synonymous with poop and crap to be a swear word when it's related words are not considered a faux pas in decent company.  They all mean the same thing.  Excrement.  And yet it means so much more.  So I will examine the many uses for something that has no use beyond fertilizer.

1. Bull____  - Probably the most used combination this application indicates that someone is acknowledging that they see something for an exaggeration or a lie.  sometimes they will say 'I call bull___ on that' to say they do not believe what they are hearing.

2. ____Head - A derogatory term used to indicate a person acting in a foolish or foolhardy fashion.  Also a term of derision to a subordinate.

3. THE____ - A recent permutation of the word.  This is a descriptive term that calls to attention that someone is currently the best in a social setting ex: "Did you see him dancing?!  He was the ____"  or believes themselves to be  ("Well doesn't he think he's the ____".).

4. Horse____ - akin to Bull____ This term is used to describe something that is patently unfair or wrong.  While it's sister term Bull can also be used in this vein, horse___ is used almost exclusively in this fashion.  eg:  "The boss wants us to pull another allnighter?  That's horse____".  would indicate that you believe the bosses direction but you believe it's unfair.  Had the term bull been swapped for horse, it would have indicated that you didn't actually believe that the boss would suggest something like that.

5. Dumb____ - like ____Head this term is used to describe someone of diminished mental capacity.  This term is used more to apply a description to a past event.  ' Can you believe he did that?  What a dumb____".

6. git yer ____ together - To pack ones possessions up or to organize ones self.  Many times this is used to inform someone that they are moving.  This is only insulting if you assume that the person using the term places small value on the things you own (they probably do).  "Ok, git yer ____ together, we are on the road in 5 minutes"

7. ____Faced - A state of intoxication directly prior to passing out.  When one gets ____Faced it seems to be an advanced state of inebriation.   Still considered enjoyable but also used to describe an intensity of drunkenness to someone else.  "You should have seen him last night.  He got so ___faced, you wouldn't have recognized him".

8. Piece of ____ - Anything of dubious value.  Usually a car.  sometimes shortened to POS.  "How long am I going to have to drive this piece of ____?!?"

9. take a ____ - The actual act of defecation.  Thought of as peculiar when learning English as a second language since the actual act would require you to leave said ____ instead of take it with you.  "Just a sec, I gotta take a _____ before we go"

10. Shoot the ____ - The act of passing time by talking about non business related minutia.  Often used to describe men talking together.  "Awww we were just going to sit around and shoot the ____".  This phrase is a more coarse version of shoot the Bull which is shortened from shooting the Bull____ described above.

Well, I hope I've broadened your horizons.  I've now reached over 100,000 views which for an unadvertised blog is pretty impressive.  Thanks!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Top 10 Best ways to earn a living

'Good work if you can get it'.  This phrase has often been uttered by people that have little idea about what they are talking about, but jealousy was rarely a clear thinker.  This is a list of the 10 best jobs you can have based on what I have thought throughout my life.  Understand that there are really probably no great jobs, but there ARE jobs that are better than others and if they are not, they are at least perceived as better than others.

1 - Lottery Winner - Hey Mark, that's not a job.  Oh yeah?  you think so?  If you've got the kind of money that a lottery win will give you it will be a job just to manage it.  You need to fend off wave after wave of people with hat in hand trying to part a fool from his/her money.  Just the charitable requests alone will take days out of the month.  Now what about what you are going to do with your money?  If you don't deal with it wisely, you will soon not have it.  Anyone that has thought about the lottery has thought about what they would do with the money.  I can tell you right now that all of those thoughts likely only have a toothfairy level of realism to them.  Sure you won't have to 'work' in a conventional sense, but you will still have to work to protect your new found wealth.

2 - Professional Gambler - People gamble for fun.  so why not make something that's fun be your job?  I've said it before but it bears repeating.  ANY job made from something you love does NOT mean you never work a day in your life, IT MEANS that you are going to eventually hate things you once loved.  Gambler as a profession has often been examined by movies and TV and it seems the glamorous life.  REAL professional Gambler means only one of two things:  1. Card counting in BlackJack (not easy to keep concentration). 2. Cheater (not easy to keep out of prison).  To accommodate number 1, you need a very good memory and very good concentration.  To accommodate number 2, you need nerves of steel and the ability to leave once you've made your money.  Still it would be so cool to be able to say you are a professional Gambler.

3 - Actor/Actress/Rock Star - Any entertainment professional really.  Admired by so many.  Such a life of luxury!  Everyone knows you and is your friend.  Well, knows you anyway.  From the point you start recognizing that people on TV seem to have easier lives than people in the life you know, it becomes attractive to be an entertainment artist.  Actual performers have all kinds of problems.  First, they must always be on.  If they are in the public eye, their time is not their own.  On top of that, for as many people as love them there will be a small percentage of people that will want the star to die.  What a horrible trade off.  Lots of stars are not rich enough to employ body guards etc, so they are always a little bit nervous.  Just look at the overall mental health of your average or above average star.

4 - Spy - TV and MOVIES tell us that being a spy is actually the mother of all great professions (assuming you want no personal life at all).  You get all the benefits of pro Gambler and Airline industry on top of that you are trained in hand to hand combat and you get to know some of the cool information that you would never know otherwise.  Bad news.  Pretty high stress job.  Lots of risk.  Pay isn't that great.  Unlimited expense account is not true.  Access to beautiful women at exotic locales is actually non existent.  Spys are usually made from boring uninteresting people.  Apparently they draw less attention than the James Bond types.

5 - Theater ticket taker - Sure you have to do all the regular work things, BUT you get to see any movie you like!  That rocks!  This one probably has no down side assuming you realize that you are still going to have to work like clean up after every showing and deal with obnoxious people that try to sneak in all the goodies into the theater in their heavy coat in the middle of summer.  When you are 16 and looking for your first job, this one jumps out as having the glamour of a real job, plus you don't mind your friends seeing you at this job, UNLIKE fast food.

6 - Airline Industry - The benefits of this industry are obvious.  TRAVEL.  Just think, when everyone ELSE is talking about their vacation to the worlds 2nd largest ball of string, YOU are talking about all the exotic destinations as though they are your local walmart.  Make no mistake, those that listen to you are green with envy and wish you ill.  There was a time when this profession was the apex of the working man's good life.  From flight attendant to baggage handler, everyone would get some good flight benefits and the planes had lots of empty seats.  Anymore, there are fewer flights and even fewer empty seats.  The work is much harder and the management/unions have managed to quash any fun from this profession.  But now days it seems that people still regard workers of this industry with some jealousy.  I have some exposure to this particular profession with it's corresponding benefits.  All the work and trouble is still there, but the benefits are shrinking.  Not due to policy changes in regards to the employee, but rather policy changes towards the flights themselves.  Airline benefits are dictated by how many free seats there are in a given plane.  Well there are fewer and fewer planes in the sky with more and more seats taken.  Empty seats are now sold to websites like expedia or hotwire so the airline can make more money.  So now the available seats to benefit the employee are very small per flight and your chances of turning your vacation into a really long layover is much higher now.

7 - Weather Man - Why is this a good job?  I know of no other job where you are required to make estimations and predictions as a condition of your employment, but your accuracy doesn't matter.

8 - Author - The smart persons rock star.  Good authors can be every bit as famous as a Rock Star.  Smart people like to be recognized too, but not for anything as superficial as looking or sounding good.  Creating the timeless novel, now THAT is something to be known for.

9 - Big-Shot Politician - The job of ANY politician is to get themselves elected and then re-elected.  As a result politicians are a mix of spy and rock star.  They are always pressing the flesh in anticipation of the next voter ballot. They spend other peoples money in a lame attempt to keep things stable for their constituency.  The truth is, many kids hear about jobs when they are young and THE job to have is President of the United States.  Naturally, very few of these kids will actually rise to that level of sellout.

10  - Any job in an Amusement park - From the first moment that I was informed that one day I would have to take my place among the ranks of the working public, I would make flash judgments about what jobs were good and what jobs weren't.  Amusement park worker of any sort quickly rose to the top of my 8 year old list.  What's not to like?  You work in an amusement park!  How could this get any better?!?  You can ride all the rides for free and you get to be there all the time!  I suspect that this is one of the reasons that the overall age of amusement park workers is around 18-20.

Yes, there are other jobs that are great.  These were just the first that came to mind.  Thanks for reading...Tell your friends!