Saturday, June 1, 2013

10 things that might happen in the afterlife.

Heaven and Hell.  These are the original black and white of life.  One is the ultimate reward and the other is the ultimate punishment.  Has anyone ever been there?  Not as far as we know.  There are of course no end of people that are willing to tell us what it is like, so I figure what the hell...umm, I mean heck, I'll try to divine the nature of both areas.  Better yet, I'll just tell you some of the possibilities that may await us on the other side.

10.  A LOT of surprised people - Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and all of their sister cities are places for people that are mostly good or mostly bad, or mostly undecided.  Assuming you go to Heaven, there will be a lot of people there that you were certain would not belong there.  Conversely Hell will have a lot of inhabitants that are surprised that they are there.  The difference is of course the realizations of Heaven are usually extrospective and realizations in Hell are mostly introspective.

9.  Nothing - Sure you believe in an afterlife full of one thing or another, but there IS the possibility that once the lights go out, that's it, nothing else.  Yes, I know, there are lots of near death experiences and ghostly EVP's that would point to our spirit going on to ethereal greatness after we shuffle off this mortal coil, but how about the big void.  You won't be there to be bored so it won't be THAT big a deal.

8.  Haunting something - So instead of an ACTUAL afterlife, maybe there is just a bunch of ghost friendly haunting sites.  Possible haunting areas do NOT include rickety old homes, abandoned schools, or defunct mental institutions.  Who wants to hang around there forever?  How about the Haunted house at Disneyland?  They would LOVE to see some actual haunting mixed into those 999 happy haunts.  How about an airport frequent fliers club?  That would be pretty swank.  You could mess with their free wireless internet access.

7.  Field Trips! - In order to make heaven and hell what they are supposed to be; supremely enjoyable and supremely miserable.  You really have to have a break from your misery or your rapture in order to fully appreciate the state you are in.  So every so often the people from heaven have an exchange program with the people from hell so they can experience each others state of being.  After a while they return to their regularly scheduled afterlife and they can think alternatively 'Wow, this heavenly stuff is gosh darn great!'  or 'Crap I hate this place.  I forgot how much I hated it here.'.  Of course this may not be true at all if dying changes our basic nature such that we can only feel misery or joy.  If that's the case then we can all live through eternity right next to each other.

6.  Compare ends - Assuming you get to talk to other people that have passed on, I imagine the conversation at the post life cafeteria would sound something like this:
Dead guy 1: 'So how did you end know...'.
Dead guy 2: 'Dying?  Oh, I died of consumption.  Long and slow, but it got the job done'
Dead guy 1: 'Oh, Tuberculosis?  Yeah, they all but wiped that out later'
Dead guy 2: 'Yeah, I know, but if it isn't one thing...'
Dead guy 1: 'Sure'
Dead guy 2: 'So how was yours?'
Dead guy 1: 'Oh, I was stung to death by giant Japanese wasps'
Dead guy 2: 'WHAT?!?  Really?  That's horrible'
Dead guy 1: 'Tell me about it...Anyway, pretty glad that's over with.'

5.  No pain mostly - Since the mortal human body is designed to feel pain as a protective measure against self destruction, I'm not sure what reason an immortal body would have to feel pain, other than punitive punishment.  I assume there would be no pain like we know it.   Since Hell is a pretty varied place depending on what you believe I couldn't say if you feel pain or not.  Most religions seem to think it's either a place where you will suffer the punishment which I assume means pain.  But will your back keep bothering you?  How about that bad knee?  That one tooth that never really felt right?  I guess if you are continually being consumed in a lake of brimstone you won't have to worry about those things anymore either.   Heaven of course converts the pain of those suffering in hell to pleasant mists and refreshing beverages for you to consume in your righteousness.  I just made that part up.  But I think it sounds good.

4.  No Church! - One way or another, Hell or Heaven.  You are already there so no more church!  No more listening to someone drone on about something they really don't know any more than you do because now you all know the same thing!  Doesn't matter how it ends.  Of course that's one less thing for the pious to look down their noses at you for, but that's ok, they'll have lots of other stuff.

3.  No food - Depending on the state of the afterlife, it seems that we won't be taking our mortal baggage along with us.  Assuming that is the case, It seems that there won't be any food because you won't be hungry.  Kind of a disappointment really because I really like food.  Of course the only reason I like food is because I'm mortal and my body employs mechanisms that make me hungry and then enjoy food so I will stay alive.  Once I'm dead.  I suspect that food will just look disgusting to me.

2.  No Holidays - I assume that since Heaven doesn't revolve around anything and nothing revolves around it, I suspect that there will be no holidays in the afterlife.  Unless of course we end up on Planet Heaven and Planet Hell.  Some theologies suggest that heaven is actually right here on earth.  In which case, there will be holidays.  But instead you will probably celebrate your death day.  Happy Death Day!  How long have you been dead?  Who cares, because that number can get really high.

1.  Everyone is roughly the same age - Let's assume for a moment that when you die, you maintain some kind of human form.  Ok.  Well if you are going to heaven, or you are arriving there in the same state that you left earth?  Not bloody likely.  You'll probably arrive somewhere in your late 20's.  That means everyone that gets there is there in their late 20's.  You will NEVER recognize your grandma and a lot of other people you left back on earth.  It will be a lot like a high school reunion in reverse.

Just some thoughts.  of course they aren't verifiable.  But I've never claimed this to be a 100% factual blog.  For that you need to go to Wikipedia...wait a minute...

See you in 15 days.

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