Monday, June 1, 2015

top 10 Excuses

Excuses are interesting things.  Normally they are explanations for why you can't do something.  Once in a while they are reasons for faulty action.  I read a quote once that said 'Excuses are what you use for things you don't want to do'.  It's probably true.  So here are 10

- Kids have a thing - Kids might be the biggest excuse to not do something that exist.  Here is how it is.  Hey would you mind coming into this meeting?  We could really really use your expertise.  You are on your way out.  You have nothing better to do other than not work.  Kids thing to the rescue!  Wow, I'd really like to, but I've got to get out of here, my kids have a (recital, practice, pixie hunt) and I need to be there.  Meetings are for suckers anyway.

- I've heard that's bad for you/good for you - One of the best things about the Internet is that you can get nearly any opinion on any stated piece of fact that you want.  Say for example you drink too much.  You are probably aware of it, but you don't want to stop.  You quickly retrieve a website that talks about the numerous benefits of alcohol taken in moderation.  Now you can drink confidently knowing that moderation is probably more for you than it is for anyone else but it will justify you going over the line a bit.

- The sitter has to leave early / I've got to get up early - So you got roped into a thing.  Probably people that you are friends with but that you actually don't really like that much.  Somehow you ended up being invited over to their house for a meal and an indeterminate amount of time.  The night starts off slowly and you quickly realize that you must get out of there by hook or by crook.  You decide to go with hook and tell them that the sitter has either taken ill or the sitter won't be able to stay late and by association, neither will you.  The kid-free analog to this is the early morning work meeting made possible by bosses that actually call meetings early so you've got to go home and get some shut eye.  The cellphone has made this an even more convenient ploy because you can have your spouse dial your number and you can practice your rear-window acting.  If you don't know that reference, I suggest you watch Hitchcock's Rear Window. In the movie they do a lot of off screen talking back and forth.  See it, you'll get it, just look at it from the actors point of view.

- Wow am I tired  - That demon fatigue has risen again to hasten an early egress!!!  Oh to be young again.  You could be watching all of the slides that your uncle has conveniently converted to grainy pictures.  It would be more interesting if he knew what they were, but he keeps arguing with your aunt about whether that rock was on the way out of the city or the way in.  Was that the car they owned second or third?  Wow, I'm getting tired myself.  One or two good yawns and a declaration of an early rise and you are off home.  Maybe in time to watch the news.  Or heaven forbid go to bed.

- Something suddenly came up - Thank you Greg and Marcia Brady.  Something suddenly came up is the lamest excuse there is, and yet it is universally accepted as the acceptable blow-off-excuse.  You know you are being played, but it is softened by the semi-honesty of it.  Yes something came up.  A night of blissful silence you have opted for instead of the semi-annual meeting of the insect mounting society.

- I'm on a diet - Don't want to go to lunch when offered?  The diet is the sure lunch killer.  The caveat here is that once you have used it, you will have your friends watching what you eat from that point on to see if you really are on a diet, or you just find your friends unappetizing enough to set you off your feed.

- The alarm didn't go off! - In this age of technology you will still find this gem being trotted out as an excuse for missing that early morning meeting or some other distasteful work event.  As long as you have a fair amount of space between your last use of this excuse and the current use you are probably all right.  Do it enough times and people assume that you are just a night owl and you are not fit for day work.  This isn't so bad if they decide to give you a later shift.  It's horrible if you get the later shift and you are STILL late for work.

- I forgot -  Who doesn't have a slip of the mind?  You simply forgot your appointment.  It's quick, it's easy, and nobody can say you didn't.  Some day soon, they will have a smart phone app that will quickly scan someones head and see if they actually did forget or if they are telling a fish tale and they just didn't feel like coming.  The problem here is if you convince people you forgot enough times you may be esteemed as mentally deficient.

- I don't have enough money - Who does?  Like the diet.  If you are using your lack of funds to justify not attending something, be prepared for all of your friends to quickly join the Junior Accounting Association and watch every penny for you.  'Oh, I get it, you don't have enough money for our get together, but you DO have money for that life saving surgery.  I get it.  No it's ok, go ahead.  Remove those irregularly shaped moles.  See if I care.'

- I have a condition - That condition is that you don't want to go.  Of course if where you are going is some kind of friendly game of some physical sport, there is the excuse you can use.  I have a bad knee, it is genuine.  It has been the cause of me not being able to attend many physical activities.  I did play tennis on it for 4 years and I payed the price.  At that time I would use a different version of the excuse.  I would tell someone that I don't have enough tread on the tire of my knee to do something that isn't tennis.  Now I don't even have enough tread for that.  But you can tailor a condition to meet your event.  Asthma, you can't go outside except for the briefest of moments during pollen season;  Ate some bad food previously, you can't go anywhere now except the bathroom (until everyone is gone); Mesothelioma (you are going to see your lawyer, you've got to miss the company Frisbee golf event).  You get the idea.

Well, my excuse for skipping a couple of entries is two fold.  One I wanted to see if anyone noticed at all.  2 of you did.  Or you did enough to mention it to me.  I guess that's pretty good for a hack writer and observationalist.  As it is, I just didn't have anything good enough to print.  I admit, I've had a few entries go off the rails, who doesn't?  But I just feel like the overall quality of the posts have been going down, so I took a break.  The problem is that many of my posts might be a bit controversial.  I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that road.  We'll see.

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