Thursday, December 17, 2015

Christmas LIES (warning Santa spoilers)

Good old Santa.  That pudgy purveyor of unrealistic expectations and capitalism.  A near perfect metaphor for strong central government.  Big red makes promises to the children that we as adults have to come through with.  Then that bum gets the credit (works hard one day a year...sheesh).  Pretty big scam.  We are constantly telling our kids about the value of truth etc, but we start them off with this big whopper.  Like so many lies, there are several facets to them.  Like...

- Jesus' Birthday - The only reason I bring this up at all is the really funny nativity scene where Santa is kneeling and praying at the manger of new baby Jesus.  Yikes.  Well, by any and all counts, we find that Jesus was likely born around the spring time, pretty close to Easter.  Seems like we already have a holiday there and the Pagans were feeling left out with the winter solstice so we have a new birthday there to celebrate. (don't even get me STARTED about the Easter bunny).

- News reports - Lets start with the news.  We all know that journalism has been on a death spiral since the internet, but this problem has been around since there was televised news it seems.  Reports of Santa's whereabouts coming in every 1/2 hour or so are fake, every bit of it.  Everyone knows that the real Santa isn't going to be seen doing his job.  In fact the REAL Santa has some kind of crazy stealth technology or something since there has never been a sighting of any non criminal bearded men standing on any roofs that weren't later apprehended by authorities.

- Santa's Helpers - What a crock.  Santa's imposters is more like it.  There you are at the shopping center looking for Christmas goodies and there he is 'Santa'.  Some are drunker than others, but they are all fakes.  When I was a young believer, I was told that those are Santa's helpers because he didn't have time to be everywhere taking down Christmas wishes, he had to keep an eye on those good for nothing elves so everyone will get their presents.

- Elves - We've all seen elves.  They are blonde, nearly immortal and impervious to temperature changes if Peter Jackson and J.R.R. Tolkien have anything to say about it.  Well it seems these are not the elves we are looking for.  The elves we are talking about here are the tiny elves probably with green hats that make them look like miniature Robin Hoods sans bow.  Because it's WAY out of the realm of possibility to think that Santa, who can zip around the world in 24 hours, can make all of his own toys.  Nope, he has a factory full of indentured servants that are not only expert wood workers, but are masters of knocking off nearly anything that can currently be manufactured in China except for EVEN cheaper.  After all, Santa's givin the stuff away!  Nope, no elves, no factory.  They've been all over the north pole.  no evidence of these little green trouble makers.  Speaking of trouble makers...

- Elf on the shelf -  Whoever came up with this bit of keen suffering should be shot.  What kind of world do we live in where we tell children that clearly inanimate objects suddenly will come to life?  I'll tell you what kind of world.  One where there is NO expectation of privacy!  All this stinking elf is, is a surrogate for the NSA.  Always watching me.  Always reporting on me.  BAH!

- Santa tracker app - Oh great, so the news isn't enough.  We have all kinds of media telling us all kinds of things.  Google Santa Tracker and Santa tracker apps for our phones?!?  Geeze.  Why do we need this technological reinforcement?!?  The rest of it should be plenty.  On the other hand if you don't have him in your technology, kids might get wise and we wouldn't want that.   It's probably tracking your movements anyway.  Just an electronic Elf in your pants.

- Other Santas helpers - You know these more than willing helpers.  Your local independent retailer.  They are the most vested in continuing this farce.  After all, If we didn't have a holiday and a Jolly old man relying on your continued overspending to keep it going how would these partners in advertising crime get into the black every year??? We all know that no parents would ever get their kids anything ever if it weren't for Santa.  Parent's don't even like their kids much.  Oh wait, that's probably a big fat lie too.

- Livestock - Reindeer are really the most used, but they become integral.  It's just not good enough that Santa gets 'round the world in 24 hours.  We have to have an explanation.  You know, something plausible like flying Reindeer.  Then THOSE weren't good enough.  We had to get one with a glowing nose that helped the other flying reindeer see through the bad winter storm (you're telling me it isn't snowing somewhere on the earth every year round December 25?).  For a while stores would get a reindeer to stand there with Santa so that you could get your picture taken with Dasher.  That ends up being more trouble than it's worth so they will just take Santa showing up in his 1975 VW Dasher.

- Santa's List - So it's not enough that we have this intruder wandering around our house while we are knocked out, eating our cookies, and scaring our pets.  He's got a list.  A BIG list.  You see, Santa doesn't like all the kids.  Only the good ones.  So Santa's list seems like an innocent enough lie but think about it.  Santa is deciding if you are good or bad enough to get his magic presents.  How is he doing it?  Well he's using his willing stool pigeons the parents or that stinking snitch elf.  So now not only do you have to buy presents and give the credit to the corpulent crimson curmudgeon, but if the kids don't get what they want, Santa heard they were bad and if they put 2 and 2 together, they know Mom and dad turned North Pole's evidence.

- Santa of course - Well the bottom line is this dude and the tales told about him all over the Western world.  Cultures love their mythological icons, but wow, this Santa guy has been all over the place.  Father Christmas, Sint Nicklaas, Kris Kringle he goes by many names, but the one we know in America is the one our Coca Cola bottler gave us.  Of course Santa would drink Coke in America It makes perfect sense.  Ever since, we have counted on that image and that myth to get us through the winter months.  Usually around age 7 or so, we figure out that he's cut from whole cloth, but you are entreated to keep that secret from your younger siblings being the first time you are included as a part of the conspiracy.  I personally never remember thinking that the presents in the morning were from anyone but mom and dad anyway.  But then you enjoy the tradition so much that you take it as your own with your own kids.  Or at least some part of it.

Do I think you should all stop telling these Holiday lies?  No, they make the season fun and honestly, isn't winter hard enough to get through?  Just another subject that tickled my brain is all.  Happy Holidays Merry Christmas Brilliant Hanukkah Festive Kwanza and any other holiday greeting I didn't include.  

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