Top 10 Things that should be Illegal to do while driving.

Today's submission comes in no small part thanks to my brother Mikey, or Michael as he prefers to be called (Which I do not call him).

 Driving is hard.  You don't realize how hard it is until you try driving with your son or daughter.  Then you understand just how many things inside and outside of the car you have to keep track of.  Over time you internalize the bits you think are most important and leave the rest, but in the beginning, everything has equal weight and it's hard to keep track of it all and actually drive the car.  For many of us, driving the car was the first actual grown up thing we did and for the first little bit, it scared us to death.  We were playing in the adult world now and all of the sudden a lot of things come into perspective.

To help us, the Government has created a whole codex of laws and regulations involving driving that most of us have no idea about.  They are all regulated locally unless you are on an Interstate Highway, then it's monitored by the Feds.  Recently some new laws have been enacted to help save us from ourselves.  While I could and probably will go on in another blog about how I really don't think it's the Government's place to say much about what I'm doing, If they are going to go ahead and make laws anyway, then I think they probably missed a few.  The following are things that should probably be illegal if they aren't all ready when it comes to driving.

10. Shaving/make up - I've seen both, but I must say, I've seen more of the former than the latter.  As a man of some experience, it appears to me that makeup is more of a work of art than a specific process.  Each artist has their own canvas and their own medium.  Shaving is much more easy and very much resembles mowing the lawn.  Neither of these things should be done inside a moving vehicle by the DRIVER!  I understand you are late and you are trying to save time in traffic.  Stop it.  I promise you look much better without makeup than having your makeup done by a mortician (that rarely turns out well).

9. watching chicks/dudes - Fellas, this one is mostly for you.  I don't know if women have the same kind of eye for the opposite sex that we menfolk do, but I highly doubt it.  I remember in high-school I was horrible for this.  I can only count luck and guardian angels for the fact that I didn't have any accidents whilst gawking at the opposite sex.  The other problem is when you are doing this you start driving slower and less aware.  So I envision a speed trap type of arrangement with a scantily clad female and a police officer with high powered binoculars.  Once they find the driving gawker, BANG! here is your ticket!

8.  kid care - Instead of being distracted by something on the outside, all of the distractions are on the inside.  Kids don't really have any concept of driving.  They figure that it's just one of the myriad things that adults can do.  They goof around in the car the same way they goof around at home.  This requires attention (usually from mom, not as much from dad).  Instead of pulling over, mom gets a juice box and pre-straws it and reaches back to give it to her demanding toddler.  The car continues on its course but starts weaving like a drunkard on payday.

7. seat fishing - Who of us doesn't like a little snack while we are on the road?  I know I do.  The problem is, a lot of the treats you will eat end up spilling somewhere into your seat.  This also goes for those little pieces of paper that you wrote directions on or the parking slip you thought you had.  So you start fishing for whatever it is you lost.  While you are searching, you usually have one hand on the wheel and you start veering and lurching down the road with no rhyme or reason searching for that dropped junior mint that you know you will step on if you don't get it RIGHT NOW!

6. radio scan - This used to be a worse problem than it is now thanks to radio controls on the steering wheel.  If you have an older car or an older stereo in a newer car you might be in danger of looking at the station while you are changing it.  It's really not much of a distraction but you usually do it when you are driving at high speeds over a fair distance.  I was never fond of changing the station.  In fact, I would listen to songs I didn't like because I figured I would definitely like the next song coming.  Other people are not as patient with things they 'can't stand' and must change the station to something they like.  These people are doomed to listen to the last 1/2 of all the songs they like on the radio.

5. Watching the movie the other car is playing - I've actually done this  I'm embarrassed to say.  You follow a minivan and you see that the monitors are showing some movie and you get close enough so you can try to identify the show.  Don't claim you haven't done it,  I know you have.  The best part is, there is no real way to verify what the movie was in the case of a dispute.   Don't do it, it's a hazard.  Or get bigger screens in the back so it's easier to watch.  Hey, maybe they could make an option on the car that will cruise control behind the car in front of you so you can watch the movie/show without worrying about maintaining speed.  hmmmm...

4. paying more attention to the GPS than the road - Ok, you're lost, it happens.  But thanks to the miracle of the GPS, you can now have a little box with a pleasant voice tell you that you've missed your turn off.  The interesting thing about GPS is that I've found that once I decide to trust the GPS, I no longer rely on my innate sense of direction.  I found myself being lost in places I knew.  When skynet takes over, it will start with the GPS systems.

3. texting - ok, this is just obvious and obnoxious.  The cellphone is a distraction, but once you add texting to it, you have multiplied it many fold.  People that text while driving are a menace.  According to some studies texting makes you more impaired driving than being drunk.  When you text while driving, you slow WAY down as though this is compensation for having almost 100% of your attention on your text (you wouldn't want to misspell...srsly).

2. reading a book - This is one of the oldest of driving multi-tasks.  Crack open that book and plop it on the steering wheel.  Whenever you are stuck in traffic or at a stop light, you have a good 30 seconds to read a few lines.  Please stop.  Nobody thinks you are smart or anything like it when you do this while driving.

1. using mr. Microphone - Hey good lookin!  Be back to pick you up later!  Mr Microphone was first annoying road dwellers in the late 70's.  You tune it into your car stereo and blast away.  Turn up the stereo and you are public addressing everyone on the street.  So if you are really clever, you use Mr. Microphone on the guy next to you whose stereo is up WAY too loud.  Just tune into his frequency and tell him to TURN IT DOWN!.  Oh, wait a minute, you need to concentrate on driving.




There it is.  Please stop doing these things.  I have a total of 14 followers (according to current counts).  My ego tells me I need all of you desperately.  Don't make your car your coffin.

10 Steps in the ownership of a car

A new car.  mmmmmm....who doesn't like this most American of things.  Ownership of a new car, even if it's only new to you can be one of the most exhilarating experiences you can have.  Once you get that car you will notice several things about yourself as you get to know your new means of conveyance.  This list goes over the feelings you have in the life of a new car.  Some of these bits don't show up if you get a used car.  But many of them still apply.  Note:  This is AFTER the pain of negotiating for the price of the car in question which might warrant it's own top 10 list.  It's probably the reason more new cars aren't sold.

1. Euphoria (that new car smell) - Everything about the car is AMAZING.  Look at this!  Look at that!  There's a button that does this!  There's a switch that tells you when you need to go to the bathroom!  They've thought of everything!  Every time you get into the car, you breathe in those toxic (yes toxic) fumes of new car-ness.  Wonderfully euphoric.  It's at this point that the cost of the vehicle, the soul(s) you had to sell in order to get into the payments evaporate into distant memories.  You adjust the seat several times to find the perfect position.  You preset the radio with your favorite stations and remark on just how much better music sounds in this vehicle.  You make a standing rule that NO HUMAN WILL EVER EAT IN THIS VEHICLE!  You quite honestly wish to keep this feeling as long as you possibly can.  It's true love as crushy as it gets.

2. Woah! The breaks/Gas/ etc are pretty different.  -  Usually in the first week, you run into all of the idiosyncrasies of your new car.  "Wow!  those are really strong breaks!" This is usually said as the person behind you nearly rear-ends you.  The acceleration is different.  You hope to the better, but sometimes there is a bit of a response wait between the pushing down on the gas and the acceleration of the car.  you realize that your turning radius is very different.  no more 7 point turns to make a U turn in the road.   OR 'Ouch!  I didn't think I'd hit the curb!'  It takes a week or so to get used to all the little strange bits involved with your new car.

3. New girlfriend/boyfriend - for the first while.  Your new car is so precious that you will find yourself parking like an Idiot just to protect it's precious clear coat finish.  You will take strange routes to and from work to avoid that gravel spitting up and putting a scratch on it.  You will wash all the time.  Just like a new Boyfriend or Girlfriend.  You will do all the 'little' things that you would not normally do.  On top of that, all other cars look like boxes with wheels on them.  They probably shouldn't even be on the road.  This is of course unless you happen to drive by that Ferrari or something, but even then you'll say 'pssht I wouldn't ever pay THAT much for a car'

4. still a little thrill - Park like a normal human - Now it's been a few months and you are still thrilled to see that car in your garage, but you've come to understand that it's just not nice to park diagonally across 6 parking spots because you don't want to get a ding.  You start to park like a human being.  You are still careful.  You still drive by close spots because the cars next to you look like they just came from a WAL-MART and so you know that you are subjecting your darling to undue risk.  You still make yourself walk a little too far because of this car you drive.

5. The first real ding - Son of a!!! I'm gonna sue!  Look at that!  it's horrible!  You examine the cars next to yours closely, you think about getting a small paint sample off the edge of the door to see if they were in fact the culprit.  You consider how much it will cost to get it fixed, but you will still know it's there.  The first real blemish.  On the other hand, the good news is, you can park anywhere you like now.  You still love your new car, but you are gonna park where ever because once there is one ding, there are bound to be others.

6.  Well, I GUESS it's a nice car - This is the part where people that come ride in your car think it's really nice, but you've already been a  little jaded because of the ding.  You can see the blemishes because you drive it all the time.  You are around that car day in and day out.  Sure it looks nice to an outsider that doesn't know it.  I mean, it's an ok car I guess.  But you know how it is.  In this area you daydream about a new car again, but you really have no intention of trading this one in on anything.  You are upside down on the payments anyway.

7. Old reliable (car may get a name) - It's been over a year, maybe 2, and you are so comfortable with the 'new' car that you might have even given it a name.  Old Betsy, or the Blue Dart or something equally clever.  It's a part of you now.  You know nearly everything about it and you feel like it knows you.  It's like your faithful dog.  Always there, ready to speed you off to your next obligation.

8. This isn't regular maintenance! - The car used to always turn this way without a problem.  I turned off the radio for a minute and I've never heard THIS noise before.  When you let go of the steering wheel the car acts like it has an internal GPS it's following, Or of course you get into come kind of accident.  This hopefully happens later than sooner, because at whatever point your car takes more damage than just a ding or requires a repair costing several hundred dollars.  It's the first problem with your car that you can't quite decide weather to fix it right away, or just get it taken care of the next time you take the car in.  But every time you experience that new 'quirk' it bothers you until you finally get it fixed.  Aahhhhhhhh glad THATS over with.

9. Duct Tape - Well, there's things you want to fix and there's things you GOTTA fix.  Your car has taken on the appearance of nearly any car on the freeway.  It has a little rust here.  a ding or two there.  There's a crack in the front grill from when you hit that deer and didn't want to replace the actual grill work.  There's the missing hubcap.  You start 'fixing' things yourself because you don't want to 'sink' anymore money into it.  Yes the car still gets you from here to there, but you wouldn't really consider it for a long distance trip.  (The first time you rent a car to go on a long trip and leave your car home...your car cries).  You are not in the mood to get a new car.  In face you sill fiercely defend this car.  'It's a fine car.  just a few nicks and scratches, that's all'  But every little piece you replace.  Every part you pick up at pep-boys, every can of rust-o-leum you buy is another nail in this cars coffin.

10. Time to put Grandpa in the home. - You've had enough.  the repairs for the car are becoming more expensive than the payments on a new car.  The only real problem is , do you trade it in on a new model?  or do you donate it to the kidney people.  Well, when you trade it in, just remember, what they give you for that car will be an insult.  You will regain a new appreciation for your reliable wheels.  So you may sell it yourself, or you might just donate it after all.  But once you've made that decision, that car is dead to you.  You may let it rot out on a parking lot somewhere with a sign on it with your phone number, or you might just call for a tow.  All you can think about is what is your NEW car going to be like?  You aren't going to make the same mistakes you made with this POS....Oh no.  You are going to do it smart this time.  It's the circle of life really...the circle of life.

So the next time you drive down the road and see a rickety rust bucket that can barely keep itself together long enough to get through the intersection.  Just remember.  At probably more than one point in it's life, someone said 'That sounds like a fair price for that car, I'll take it'