10 ways to get the best/most food at mass eatings.

As I get older I've found more and more that I am very tired of all of these diet ads and diet sites and food evangelists preaching to me about all of the evils I might be participating in just by eating what I like.  The is also the sense of propriety and etiquette that is for a more genteel set of people that you don't know and don't really want to associate with.   Since there seems to be no END of these fun killing sites, I offer an alternative.

10.  First in the Buffet line - Sure, this one seems obvious.  You get in first. You can get the first choice of everything.  Don't waste this precious gift.  You select the very biggest and best of each item.  You are breaking the food seal on each choice you make and you only have so much plate space to deal with.  You also have the benefit of finishing your food first so you can go back and get 2nd crack at 2nds.  Why second you may ask?  Read on McDuff.

9.  Last in the Buffet Line - This is a strategic move when you've come too late to vie for first.  You hang back and wait for all to go by.  This gives you a strange advantage because you may well get the next chaffing dish of food as many of them will likely be out.  Also, since everyone else has already taken their food and are merrily eating, you are at your liberty to take seconds during your firsts.  You also gain a very important advantage in the quality race because you can immediately see the things nobody else has touched v.s. The new items brought in implying that they are in fact the best choices to be made.  The only thing you risk is losing out in the quality battle on limited quantity.

8.  ALWAYS take the largest - When choosing cookies or any other single serving treat, your mom told you that you don't have to take the smallest, but you should take something in the middle.  This is a mistake. Take the biggest.  The next person that chooses will still have a biggest and a smallest to choose from.  In fact, by choosing the middle sized item, you are depriving some middle sized cookies the chance to feel like the big Kahuna on the plate.  Instead leaving the large cookie to dominate the cookie platter.  The only cookie that doesn't have a chance to be the biggest on the plate is the smallest one on the plate, unless it's the last on the plate.  That's pretty long odds knowing how many moms there are out there, but it's possible I suppose.

7.  Go for the corner edge! - You've got a pan of brownies that are being offered to you.  Brownies are a high density food so quantity is usually not an issue as you will be pretty full after just one.  When quantity isn't the point, then always go for quality.  The best of any non crusted pastry is on the edge of the pan, the corner preferably.  That piece has the perfect combination of chewy crunch, while the middle pieces usually suffer from being either under-cooked or just plain inferior to the edge piece.  Once you can identify the edge, grab it and don't apologize, you are in a group and SOMEONE had to get the corner piece, it should be you.  You deserve it.

6.  Bullseye! - In the world of sweet/cinnamon rolls, the rules are reversed.  Any time there is a frosted confection, the ones in the center are your obvious choice.  Now some would say that they don't like too much frosting.  This is the talk of the milquetoast.  Frosting, being one of natures perfect foods, can be used on any number of things to enhance the overall experience.  You grab the roll the most in the center of the arrangement because it will have the most frosting and it will be the most evenly cooked bread in the pan. You can skim off the frosting you don't need, and use it on something else, or not at all, it's all about options. An edge roll will likely not have sufficient frosting to cover it and you will end up with 1/2 cinnamon roll and 1/2 bread.  Nobody eats bread for dessert.  It just isn't done.

5.  Deep Ladle/Dragging the lake - Soup serving can be tricky, but if you know what you are doing you can dredge up a bowl of Chili for yourself while leaving your compatriots with salt water.  Without disturbing the surface of the soup pot, gently glide your ladle into the edge of the vat without unsettling the murky broth.  Slowly advance your ladle to the bottom and dig/drag a ladle full of soup bits up to the surface.  You will have a bowl full of all the stuff that makes soup great.  If it's some kind of creamy soup, there is no advantage to be gained.  if it's a simple broth, move along.

4.  Remember your 4 tasty additions - Sugar, Cream, Sour cream, Cheese.  One of these four horsemen of the Diet Apocalypse will make whatever you are eating more satisfying.  Always know where they are in the buffet layout as they will turn any dish into something better.

3.  Eat Strategically - Who doesn't like bread?  They say it's the staff of life.  Well it's a killer when you are trying to get the most bang out of your buffet dollar.  Always Always Always eat breads last, if at all.  You want to save the room in your stomach for the higher satisfaction index items like savory meats and sweet cream salads.  You can always make a sammich tomorrow.  This includes the all too tempting bread sticks and pizza crusts.  Unless the bread offerings are particularly delightful, your precious gut real estate deserves a higher class of occupant.

2.  But I don't want to feel too full - Quit being a PANSY!  You don't want to feel too full is the talk of LOSERS!  That full feeling is the feeling of victory!  You have an ally in the fight for gluttony.  Gum.  That's right gum.  One simple stick of gum after over eating will help quell those pangs of epicurean excess.  After you have eaten enough to wonder if you will choke sitting at the wrong angle, chewing on a lovely bit of gum will quell those feelings of satiety and you'll be just fine.

1.  By all means, TAKE THE LAST ONE - Whoever came up with this rule was just a food waster.  The idea that somehow taking the last piece of anything was bad is just silly.  If it's on a plate and looks good and you want it.  You are obligated to take it.  If you don't, someone else will.  Look at it this way.  By taking that last piece, you are sparing the rest of the crowd the ethical anguish of what to do with that last bit.




Now you are prepared to go forth to that Golden Corral, that Sizzler, that Neighborhood pot luck with confidence that YOU can be all you can be.  15 days away and I'll be here to play.

10 tips for successful dieting

*sigh*  I must be running out of material.  I'm sure some of you have said this several episodes ago.  I found a website that does top ten lists.  It's sad really.  I didn't think that I was the only one, but I thought that it was kind of unique with my own spin.  The site I found has many many top ten lists and most of them are pretty funny (the ones I read anyway).  I decided that I don't really do this for any other reason except to give myself a place to put my thoughts down, but thanks for reading!

Anyway, The sigh up there wasn't for that, it was for the fact that I'm on a diet.  yes, a diet.  Now before you run away, this particular blog entry is about my own anecdotal experience with dieting.  I don't mean to convert anyone to anything, I don't really want to do anything but tell everyone the things I realized in the course of my dieting.  I've got several weeks to go before I hit my 'target' weight, which in my opinion is way too light, but I'm trying to hit it so I can say that I'm not a part of the nation's obesity problem, which apparently I currently am.

10. Give up - You have to really give up when you go on a diet.  You have to stop dreaming about what you are going to do when you finally get out of this self imposed concentration camp.  I've got news for you.  You will never leave.  Not if you do it right.  You see, what got you to this place is what you where doing before.  Once you decide to go on a diet, you have to give up on your old eating life.  At least give up on it until you decide it's ok if you check out of life.  There are some people that will tell you things like 'I don't even like the taste of sugar or fat anymore, I can't stand it'.  Yeah right, that's great for that person.  I like all of my sweet foods as well as my fatty salty foods.  They are my friends and I miss them.

9. Give yourself a day off - Everyone needs a day off from whatever they do all the time.  Diets are no different. If you are solid on your diet and you are following it by the letter, you need to give yourself a break.  My own rule?  When I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation from everything.  Once every 2 weeks or so I give myself a day that I don't count and don't care.  Here is what I've found.  While I still like my crappy food, I actually like less of it.  I started to remember the difference between empty, full, and what I was doing.  It re-affirms that you are in fact going in the right direction.  I wouldn't start this until you are at least 1 month into your diet routine.

8. It's all about the calories - I'm trying to lose weight here.  That's my goal.  There is but 1 way to do this and ONLY one.  I'm sorry.  ALL of the other diets that have names or gimmicks or special devices or any other nonsense are exactly that nonsense.  The only way to lose weight without medical intervention is to take in fewer calories than you burn.  Fat?  Sugars?  Protein?  Starch?  WHAT?  It doesn't matter.  A calorie isn't made of anything, it's a measurement.  If you go to Europe they have kilo-calories, which sound like some kind of supervillian's way of terrorizing a fat farm.  A Kilo-calorie is the same as an American calorie.  So a calorie is the amount of energy it takes to raise one gram of water 1 degree C.  OR, it's 4.186 Joules.  Ok, I'm getting WAY off track.  My point is, it doesn't matter what you eat, it only matters that you eat less of it.  Yes I know that some foods are more healthy for you etc, and that's all fine and well, but calories from fat are the same as calories from anywhere else.   Here is the trick.  Types of foods will fill you up easier and probably be better for you.  Ok, that's cool.  Protein is really good about calories.  My personal favorite is a bowl of shrimp.  it's pretty cost effective on the calories and it fills you up.  Eat only shrimp and you will probably be in trouble.  So eat some greens as well.  Little bit of bread is yummy.  Just count the calories and stop when you should be done.  Individual results may vary.

7. Exercise, or don't - As I said before, it's about the calories, not about the exercise.  If you like exercising, knock yourself out, I hear it's good for you.  If you watch 5 minutes of that Biggest loser show, seems like that's all they do is beat themselves up and eat next to nothing.  Well, what I've found personally is that when I exercise, I tend to be more hungry and I will more than make up the calories I 'earned' during exercise because my body will tell me I'm hungry.  If I don't exercise, I don't have have that spike of hunger and I find it easier.  What I'm saying is, you don't need it to lose weight, but you might need it for good health.

6. Have a target in mind. - Don't beat yourself up for nothing.  Have a goal in mind.  My own goal is based on my BMI, which is horribly unfair to tall people.  Once I get there, my diet is not over, but I will start eating to maintain my weight not lose it.  I won't actually gain that many calories per day, but honestly, by the time I get to my goal weight, I will have been doing this for so long that I will feel like it's a great deal.

5. Say goodbye to your friends - When you diet, the first thing you start seeing is that your friends that you used to go to lunch with are still going to lunch;  without you.  They understand, and they don't hold it against you, but you are going to have to not go to lunch with them most of the time.  It's sad, I know, but it's a part of the problem.  You see, I love going out to lunch.  Not for the lunch really, but for the company.  I can test out some new jokes, I can get the latest on the insurance we all hate or the customer that we all have problems with.  It's a great time.  Oh, and I eat more food than I really wanted to, happens every time.  It doesn't help that some places we go have adopted Soup's penchant for calling one block of food from their menu 2 servings.  That sucks.  you get fooled into thinking that you are only eating x calories, when it is really x times 2.  I don't really think it's cool to go into a restaurant and not eat so instead I eat my soup at my desk.

4. Expect to be ripped off - There will be times when you have to go out to eat and unless you live in California, you will have no idea what the food you just ate is worth.  When I say worth I say worth in terms of calories not in terms of money.  Money means nothing to a dieter.  If we can find a healthy alternative to really good ice cream we will pay quite a bit more because it's 'cheap'.  So the calories you just ate?  yeah, you thought they were around, say, 600 calories.  nope, 1100.  That's right.  500 more kilo-cals than you thought.  I HATE that.  What a rip off.  if I would have known that, I would NEVER have eaten that.  Well, too bad.  you did, so lump it.  you got ripped off.  On the other hand, the meal was 2 for one on a coupon.  yay.

 3. Be ready for the love - By the love what I mean is people telling you things like 'You don't need to diet' and 'well you don't need to go this far' etc.  They are telling you how jealous they are of your will power.  It's the same reason they keep inviting you to lunch.  They would like to see you break character.  (once in a while is good though.  see number 9).  You will really know you are getting things done when people you don't even know that well in the office ask you your name and you've been there for 3 years.  sweeeeeet.

2. Patience!  For Cryin Out Loud! - if you are doing it right, it takes a LONG time.  1-2 lbs per week is pretty good.  that's what I'm trying to stick to.  From what I'm given to understand, that rate is enough to keep your body liking the idea.  if you crash diet and lose a ton, you are probably not losing that in the right places AND you are probably making some other tradeoff's that you won't like.  Slow and steady wins this race.  It took a while to put that extra weight on.  Unfortunately, it will take a while before you start seeing results.  We don't like that so much.  You'll feel like you are starving yourself and you still look about the same.  Well take heart, if you keep on it, you will lose weight.

1. Remember where you were.  -  Before you were dieting, you were living the good life.  You were mostly short of breath, clothes didn't fit right, and you preferred smaller mirrors, but you got to eat whatever you wanted to and it was GREAT.  Now you breathe easier because you aren't carrying around 40 lbs of luggage around with you, you fit into stuff you thought you'd never look at again and you look at yourself and think 'is that really me?'  BUT you don't quite eat like you used to all the time,  just once in a while.  Well, if you don't keep track and stay balanced, you may find yourself going back to where you were.  Just remember when you are eating that second helping of seconds of chocolate silk pie, there is other stuff that comes with it and maybe more.  Plan your eating and you'll do it for a long time!

I didn't tell you my technique for losing weight.  it's a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and I just log my calories every day.  I do a few other things and if you're really interested, you can email me or whatever and I'll tell you.  I think it works for me, but I can't say what it will do for you.  I can confirm that it does not give you super powers, but you might feel pretty good about things.  See you in 15 days!