10 rules for kids cartoons

There was a time, not long ago, when cartoons dominated Saturday from the hours of 7 AM to 11 AM.  As a kid, this was practically a holiday every week until they started rerunning the cartoons, but even so, they ruled.  Then came cable TV and the Cartoon Network.  Now Saturday was every day and slowly cable TV killed Saturday Morning Cartoons in mid 2014.  Cartoons have a world all their own.  It's a world similar to our less exciting world but there are many differences.  Some of these differences have rules.  It's these rules that make the difference between a loonytoon cartoon and an instructional military animation. There are a few of them

10 - Cartoons are easily surprised - Think of it this way, if you can't easily surprise a cartoon, you won't get those great cartoon surprised expressions that are super funny.  Not only that, but if cartoons aren't surprised then why are you watching them?  They aren't going to do anything interesting.  So cartoons will be shocked and amazed at nearly anything that happens in front of them that isn't super average boring.

9 - If cartoons can talk, they say everything they are thinking - Scooby doo was famous for this, but it extends to really any cartoon.  It's pretty difficult to use subtilty on a cartoon where kids are concerned.  You need to make sure that the expression of doubt includes something like 'I don't know if this is going to work'.  The most interesting thing about this is that it is actually educational for the kids.  If you have noticed people will often use the same facial expressions that they saw on cartoons in regards to what they are thinking.  Don't believe me?  Next time someone says 'I wonder'  look at what they do.  They will look up and to the right and maybe put their finger on the side of their face.  Just like a cartoon would.  Even better, when you have kids you can watch their expressions change based on the cartoons they are watching.

8 - Cartoons must heal up in the next scene - Violence and cartoons are like cake and frosting.  Yes you could have one without the other, but you really would rather have them together.  One of the rules of this violence is that if the violence is not an integral part of the story, it will be erased by the next scene.  Cartoons heal up very quickly.

7 - Pain is different cartoon world - In the cartoon world, pain is used to show you the level of something that happened to the character.  Hit your hand with a hammer and it swells up in seconds and glows red, that's the rules.  The character gives you the same pain face that they give for a nail through the foot or a poke in the eye.  If you should have been killed by what happened, you will show near debilitating pain as well as a black eye and missing teeth.  It's ok, next scene you'll be fine.

6 - Cartoons fear death and Cartoons can't die - Pretty strange, but obviously true.  Often a character is threatened by another what will happen?  Well presumably they are scared because the other character means to kill them.  Cartoons fear for this.  yet cartoons rarely die and even if they do, you and everyone else can see their ghosts or angels in the same scene that they died.  Cartoons also often fear hell.  Who doesn't when hell is a flame filled hole and a classic textbook devil waiting to poke you with a pitch fork.







5 - Cartoons are nearly always hungry -  If a cartoon sees food, a cartoon is hungry.  one of the corollaries to this is all food in cartoons looks like thanksgiving dinner or dessert.  No wonder they are hungry all the food looks good.

4 - Cartoons are good singers - I guess it's kind of obvious, and yet strange, every cartoon that can sing, sings well, just ask Disney.  If you are a character that is going to last more than 2 scenes, you are gonna have some pipes.

3 - The underdog ALWAYS WINS -  Rule of cartoons, The smaller and more defenseless a creature, the more likely it is that they will not get beat up.  This one is pretty much universal, so much so that there was a cartoon called UnderDog.  He also always won because he was humble and lovable.

2 - Cartoons run at roughly the same speed - Have you noticed that no matter how fast another cartoon is, their competitor cartoon is nearly as fast?  this has more to do with the screen size than it has to do with the actual speed.  Road runner was always much faster than the Coyote, but often the Coyote could be seen matching the pace of the road runner.  Yes of course as the scene gets over, the faster leaves the edge of the screen.  I realize there are exceptions to this rule, but often it is true.

1 - Cartoon science is the science of the obvious - There is no real scientific principles in cartoons that aren't painfully obvious.  If you drop a large anvil onto the road below you need to use a lever.  The blueprints explain it all.  Every machine in cartoons are rube goldberg type machines that need reactions from elements to react with other elements to finally create the desired outcome.

Allow me to give a big thanks to Spencer for giving me this idea to work on.  Thanks!

10 Rules for Magic

No, not Magic the card game.  I'm talking about magic,  and not magic tricks.  Magic.  Conjuring, spells, enchantments, all of it. For the purposes of this entry we will call it Magic.  Oh, ok Mark, this is one of your flights of fancy blogs that nobody really reads.  To you I say NAY!  This is a serious treatment of Magic that nobody reads.  The thing is we want to believe in magic, just look at our movies.  Constantly portraying creatures and elements that simply do not exist.  They are magic.  But I've come to realize that Magic seems to have some rules associated with it.  Movies have told us what they are.  That's what I'm going to cover.

10. Magic is Ancient  -  So the first thing you notice with magic is that it is always really old.  Older than everything around you.  So old that everyone forgot it.  I have a little tip.  If magic could really do what people claim it can do, NOBODY would forget it.  As it is, it is so old that nobody remembers it, but it's still there, lurking... like that old can of olives in the back of the fridge.

9. Magic regularly mocks science - In a movie where magic is used a lot, the wizard or warlock or enchanter  will have some kind of a small soliloquy about how man and his science are no match for the power of magic.  They proceed to recount the history of their particular magic and how it's power has been growing all these years.  This is usually the bad guy, but not always. This is usually accented with some kind of a trivial show of power, like instant lightning, which is actually electricity and not magic.

8. Nobody is impervious to Magic - Even Superman has no answer to magic.  The BEST you can hope for is protection from magic.  That of course requires magic.  Often it's the knowledge of magic that makes you even more susceptible.  Look at Merlin.

7.  Magic doesn't work all the time. - Magic is worse than an old junk car.  You never know when it's going to work.  It has the nasty habit of not working when you need it most.  Magic is kind of like that flaky friend that is more interested in what you can do for him than the reverse.  Once you start asking magic to pay for it's share of the pizza, poof, magic disappears.

6.  Magic is understood by a few - Oh cryptic magic.  Unbelievers in the movies when confronted with magic will start making unreasonable demands of magic.  They are like people that don't understand computers, making requests of techies.
'Can you print a car with a computer?'
'Yeah, maybe'
'Well, print me a Porche!'
'Maybe you CAN print a Porche, but it won't work right and it will be even more expensive than a real Porche.'
The ultimate replay is 'So what good are computers then?'
Same with magic.
'Can't you just zap the bad guy into an alternate universe or something?'
'No, there isn't enough power to do that and it wouldn't be permanent'
The reply is usually the same: 'Well, what good is magic then?'

5.  Everything can have Magic -  Rings and sticks (wands) are Magic's objects of choice, but swords and daggers come into play as well.  Since it's magic, Grandma's old toilet plunger might have been enchanted, why not?  I can think of cases where I would have really appreciated an enchanted toilet plunger.  Lets just say someone ate something cursed.

4.  Magic defines its own limits - Magic is not infinite, but it is rarely defined on the outset.  ANY magic in the movies has to be defined at least as far as the movie needs it to be, but early on enough that the audience knows the limitations.  You can't spring magic's limitations on people at the end of the movie like a 4 year old cheating at Go Fish.  It usually comes in the beginning of the story when the wizened old man mentions that the magic is foolproof unless you are ______ .  Where the blank is something that magic doesn't like.  Touching rubber, not being a virgin, just ate prunes.  Who knows?  Magic is fickle like that and it's not for you to question.

3.  Magic is very picky - as mentioned earlier, magic defines it's own limits it also can have some very odd requirements.  This is evidenced by a witches brew.  Exacting measurements and prescribed methods are required or the spell will go bad.  If you ever watched Bewitched, you knew this.  Eye of newt, but it had to be fresh.  Wing of Bat.  Hair of some rare butterfly.  Don't try to get the knock off ingredients like tapioca for newt eye.  Not only will the magic not work as intended, but it will probably give you a potion that grows hair on your back instead of your head.

2.  Magic is both good and evil - Magic is just a tool.  Not any different than science in the regard that it can be used for good or evil.  Rarely will you ever find magic being different on the good side than on the bad, just how people used it.  In Star Wars' case, the force seemed to be good or evil, depending on the way that you used it's energy in tune with your emotions.

1.  Magic is a Technology - When you get down to it, you look at all the ingredients and all magic is, is unverifiable science.  Sure, you might be tapping into the nether world for a power source.  Maybe you have to summon cosmic forces nobody understands to get your stereo to play, but in the end, it's no different than getting the specific kind of cable and power supply to get your optical drive to spin up.  Probably the biggest difference is that technology doesn't usually need a rhyme to get going.







Well, this chapter was far from magical, but hopefully you got through it all without feeling cursed.  A fortnight awaits!  See you then.

Top 10 Rules for Good Guests

During the course of your life; you realize living at home that you only long for one thing: To live away from home. This becomes the driving force behind making money and working and pretty much everything to do with adult life. Once you have your own place. Then YOU make the rules. It's a glorious thing to live on your own. Unfortunately, there is something that happens when you get your own place. You will get visitors. Sometimes these visitors will stay for a few hours or so, but sometimes, these visitors will stay for days and days. Many times, we call the latter form of visitor RELATIVES. I am of course speaking for others whose story has touched my heart and not my own family.

While talking to my son one day I told him that one of our responsibilities as parents is to help him become a good house guest. I figure this list is probably good for anyone to have since I find it is a pretty scarce skill set.

1. Just because we SAY make yourself at home doesn't mean we actually mean it - You are a guest. Not part owner. When the host says this, the host really means 'I hope you are comfortable, and I want you to accept my hospitality; I do not in any way want you to treat my house the same way you treat yours.' There is no reason for you to go wandering around the house like you own the place. In fact, it's a good idea if you keep yourself to your sleeping quarters, guest bathroom, and the living room. Everywhere else is OFF LIMITS. There are few things more annoying than snoopy house guests.


2. If there is only one left of any food item. Don't touch it. - As a house guest you will many times be offered food. This is the food you can have. Asking for other food in offhanded ways like 'oh what's this for?' and 'Say, that's a good looking cake' among other things is just an obnoxious way of saying you want that food. Hey, Bonehead! If we WANTED you to have that food, we would have offered it to you. As it is, you should be grateful we are feeding you at all. In fact, in a reversal of imposition, you could actually take the host out to dinner one night of your stay, or go to the local McKingburger and buy the dinner there. It would be a good way to show your appreciation.








3. Assume that the Remote is not for general use. - Unless you are the only person in the room, you should understand that the entertainment of the house happens at the discretion of the owners and the children of the owners. This means that if there are kids in the house and you are watching TV, you probably should be watching spongebob. Don't ask to watch YOUR program. We really aren't interested in it because if we were, we would be watching it. It goes without saying that you shouldn't be fiddling with the remote, or for that matter any other gadget or device that resides in the hosts dwelling. Assume that this rule is particularly strong for any computer usage. It doesn't matter if your host has things 'set up wrong' it is not your place to correct those things unless he expressly gives the ok to do so. It's nice of you to offer, but the last thing you want to be is the last guy that touched the computer before it broke.




4. Unless it is by prior arrangement, you get up and shower AFTER we do - If you are staying with family for the express purpose of getting to the airport early the next day (which is an imposition by itself) then it's understood that you will need to use facilities before us. If you are here on a cheap vacation, understand that when you get up at whatever hour you are used to and burn all the hot water, you are not only waking us up, but then you are adding insult to injury by making us take luke warm showers. We still probably have to go to work and go about our daily lives so don't mess up our routine.









5. When you are eating, clean up your place to the sink - Anything more than this is too much and anything less than this is slovenly. By placing your dirty dishes in the sink, you are moving them to the best stage for the manager of the kitchen to position the dishware in the dishwasher. If you put them in the dishwasher yourself, that's lovely, but probably wrong. The owner of the kitchen knows exactly how and where to put each dish and utensil. If the host isn't that picky, you can ask them where they want the dishes. Watch them carefully as they put the dirty dishes away for you and follow suit afterward. If there is no dishwasher? Assume you are the dishwasher. It is a small price to pay for free room and board.

6. Men, if you are a guest, keep the seat down - I'm not sure how men invented peeing standing up, but I think at best it's a mess. It's adding an extra level of skill that you simply don't need when voiding your bladder. Not only that, but if you decide that more business needs to be done, you have positioned yourself in the wrong pose for that action. Yes, yes, you are a man's man and men are supposed to pee standing up. Why? Well because you can that's why. Quit asking so many questions! Be that as it may, the most neutral position for the toilet seat is DOWN, and while you are a guest, it's best to keep it that way.






7. The host's kids are the host's responsibility - you have no business correcting or dispensing advice to the children of your host. None. If you see activities that you think are out of line to the point that something needs to be done then you should probably talk to the host about it. The circumstances for such a conversation must be dire indeed. something along the lines of this: 'Um, hey, I just noticed that your son was dealing drugs out of the window of his bedroom, and the deal went bad and he had to kill some homies. none of my business, I just thought you should know'. Otherwise, you are probably best advised to leave the situation alone because it could be that the Host is ignoring that behavior on purpose. The converse to this rule would be your own progeny. If you have kids at your hosts house it is not the hosts responsibility to correct your kids, but it IS their prerogative to do so if the kids are not obeying house rules. If the host has to correct behavior of your kids, you should graciously apologize and keep your kids in line. They can act like animals in YOUR house.



8. As a guest, you should take nothing but pictures and leave nothing but footprints - This old wilderness camping motto applies to you as a guest. Except of course that you shouldn't be taking pictures either. The point is, you need to be as unobtrusive as possible. It should appear as though you don't even really exist in the house. Provide whatever assistance you can and cause as little disruption as you can. You need to be the person you are not at home. You need to clean up after yourself and maybe even after others as well. They are worse slobs than you? Doesn't matter. Be a good guest!!!



9. Good guests don't have gas or political opinions - If you are in your own house, you can be as stinky as you want. It's your house, your castle. But like a dog leaving his scent in another dogs neighborhood, there is NO reason for you to feel THAT at home as a guest. I don't think I need to say anything more on the subject. As far as the subject of gas goes, the same applies to politics. Don't bring them up and don't display an opinion unless pressed and you agree with the hosts viewpoint. You should never find yourself being in the position of bringing discord into anyone's home. I'm sure you would love to set your host straight on night killing issues like the environment, or abortion or the current or past administrations, but instead, how about everyone goes to bed without bad feelings ruining their sleep?







10. The hosts business is his own, period. - It is faintly rude to be asking about the comings and goings of the host as the guest of the house. As a guest, you have no right to even be curious. If you are asking about the schedule of your host so that you can impose on them to run an errand for you, don't. Unless you need medicine for the orphanage you are running in their basement, just stop right there. Run your own errands. In fact, offer to the host to take care of any errands they might need doing.












This is just a small series of guidelines. Really small. There are several other rules, but I only have 10 spots to take up. If you are offended by this list, I'm sorry. Sorry that someone didn't tell you before this, but your hosts were probably just too nice to mention it. The fact that they had this blog up as their homepage when you got on their computer might be more than mere coincidence.