10 Things I'll do if I can get my hands on a Time Machine.

I'm really surprised it took me this long to get to this subject.  So before diving into this obviously titled 10 list.  Here are the ground rules.  There IS NO butterfly effect.  That is to say, nothing I do in the past will have any unintended consequences towards my own future all future effects are anticipated and intentional.  In fact, everything I would do would work out perfectly like all of the other plans I have made in life.  Also, when I travel time, I will return to exactly a moment after I had left in my time without having aged.  I will chalk that up to relativity, or quantum goo, or carbon nano-tubes or something.  Anyway...

Go see the future - All this talk about time machines has most people zooming to the past to right some wrong or to make sure something happens that you didn't really think you could change but now you might have the chance.  That's crap.  I want to go to the future and see how certain things turn out.  Will I be able to rely on social security?  Does nuclear war start?  Is soylent green made of people?  I will know the answer to ALL of those questions.  It would be so cool.  Of course the tragic thing is that I can come back after going to the future and all I would do is sit around depressed that I don't really live in the future because all of the cool stuff is there.  Don't think so?  Think about being a King in medieval times.  The KINGS life back then sucked by today's standards. If he had come to our time for 1 hour to taste a McDonalds Hamburger and a shake, he would have gladly traded his kingdom to be temporary seasonal help at Costco.

Put a little away each month... - This one seems obvious, but it's not.  Put some money in a bank account for me to pick up later after it's grown to elephantine proportions.  But which bank?  I need a bank that would survive several decades in order for me to be able to collect my savings.  I would also need to figure out a way to withdraw that money without seeming like a greedy time traveler.  The further in the future you go, the more curious a bank would be about the nature of a large, up till then undisturbed, chunk of money suddenly going out to some stranger claiming to be it's owner.

Find my stuff - All through my life I've lost things or suspected them stolen.  If I could travel time, I would go back in time and spy on myself.  See what happens to the ton of stuff that I've lost over time.  While I'm there, I'll get a more objective view of what was happening to me and if I remembered family events correctly.

Stop someone other than Hitler -  Sheesh, EVERYONE is going to go back to kill Hitler.  Germany in the 1940's is going to be so crowded it will look like a time travelers Disneyland on Christmas Day.  Best not to go there.  Besides, there are LOTS of despotic dictators that seem to do horrible things that I could kill or at least dissuade from doing their evil deeds.  Probably be better to not kill them because they would just be replaced by some other crazed power hungry megalomaniac.  There are lots of people that probably should be stopped.

Give myself advice about skiing -  I really tore up my ACL skiing when I was young.  It's affected my ability to exercise and play tennis ever since.  I would tell myself that skiing isn't worth it.   I would probably take my own advice as long as I could...then I would wonder why I would bother coming back in time to talk to myself unless there was something in it for future me.  Why do I wanna help that bum?  Who knows if I would take that advice.

Prove to myself that it's working - I'm not going to just take any advice.  In fact, even if it LOOKS like I can time travel to the past, it's no free ticket to sculpting the perfect Marty McFly life outside the constraints of fate and destiny.  I would really need to know that I am safe and really benefiting from my future me's advice.  I don't trust me, I might be lying to myself.  I'd go back further in time and leave a note in a book on a shelf of a public library and direct me to check out the book and find the note to be very specific and factual about where something I had lost was.  This would prove a lot to younger me because I lost all kinds of stuff.

Rewrite History -  This isn't what you think.  I'm not going back to change history, but rather to get a better view of it.  I'll go back to the historical times that I know about and see if they really transpired in the same way that I was told.  I have often heard that history is written by the winners.  I want to see if that is correct or not and if not, what loser has been writing history.

Get really smart - If you can travel time, you have a LOT of time on your hands.  You could go back in time and go to school and learn pretty much everything that life has to offer.  Jump back in time, learn stuff and things.  Jump back to current time to just a moment after.  Yes, I would still have to do the work, so it might just be easier to jump far enough into the future to have all the experience of a really smart guy downloaded into my brain.  Yeah, that would be the ticket.  Nothing but trouble in the past.  Go to the future, that's where it's at.

Pretend to be Dr. Who - Seems like this is obvious unless of course my time machine doesn't look like a tardis.  If it didn't, then there might be a problem in that most of the time you would be spending, you would be trying to right space wrongs and fight non-existent daleks.  Lets be serious, with all the other stuff on this list, I would probably just go to the future and get something that seems like a sonic screwdriver and redecorate my ride to look like an English Bobby's call box.

Cult of the washed hands -  If I'm going in it for the saving lives game.  I'm going back to the dark ages during the plague.  I would establish the cult of soap and washed hands.  Since this is before science, It would be miraculous how my followers would be living on average much longer than non followers.  As my cult's numbers would increase, more would see the benefits of cult rules.  Wash hands with soap 3 times a day and do something nice for your neighbor.  By the end of the dark ages, I will have saved so many people through my cult that Europe would probably not have to worry about Hitler.  Someone that ended up surviving the plague eventually gave birth to an opposition party member that ended up defeating Hitler in early elections.  Later, science would prove the effectiveness of the Cults beliefs and it would be deemed as prophetic.  Win Win.

If you got into a time machine and flew 15 days into the future, you might see the next blog post.  If I in fact have written it.

10 Ways to be remembered by History

Mortality.  It's ever present shadow on our years start off as an observation but grows in stature and volume until you realize that you are not particularly special on a species wide basis and you will expire at some point.  Usually it's when this realization hits in a large way that we start to think of some way to make our mark in history. The first understanding of this usually marks your first mid-life crisis.  After that it probably varies.


Well, this is my list of ways to keep yourself on peoples minds long past your expiration date.

10.  Commit Big Crime -  Have you ever noticed that when you hear about a criminal, you never really notice the victim?  there are a few exceptions to this, but not many.  Lizzie Bordon?  Who were her parents?  What about Ted Bundy?  Jack the Ripper? That's what I thought.  Anyway, it seems that we have an amazing attention span for the big criminals.  Big criminal's fame will outlast them for 3 lifespans, many times more, but they gotta be BIG.  Pretty impressive.  Not recommended.

9.  Have Kids - Yes, I know, it seems trite, but the only way to continue on past this mortal coil is through your progeny.  You pass your knowledge and experience to a child and they add their own.  No matter how far the years throw your genes, a piece of you will continue on.  Unfortunately, your name will only be known out to maybe the great grandparent (if you are lucky or you have grandchildren that are very OCD about genealogy).  You may also get this effect possibly through organ donation.

8.  write a book! (or a blog) - If you are a really good author, like say Homer.  Your name will be around for a much longer time than the man behind the name.  Take Homer for example.  What kind of guy was he?  Did he like beans and rice?  or was he more of a mutton man?  Who knows.  But we know a lot about Ulysses and lots of other wild stuff.  Stuff that still permeates our creative culture.  Blogs of course may not be as permanent or as widely followed, but they will exist as long as there is electricity powering the storage units.  Obviously I'm putting my historical recognition eggs in this particular basket.

7.  Get elected to public office (large scale) - Well, to be honest, if you are a despotic dictator, you probably have a lot more going for you in the historical annals.  Look at King Herod, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler.  Big names that are instantly recognizable.  If you are lucky enough in politics you will be reincarnated as money.  Look at Benjamin Franklin.  Never a president and yet he graces our c-note.  How's that for immortality?

6.  Draw on a rock - Ok, nobody really knows who you are when you do this, however, if people find it, they may give you a new name and you'll be famous for a long time.  If you happen to die such that your bones can be recovered from some strange site, you'll get a name and probably be shown in a museum for a long time to come.  I'm not sure that it will have the same effect in this modern day, in fact, I think it may be illegal depending on the rock you want to scrawl on.

5.  Invent something nobody can do without. -  Oh yeah?  Who invented the Wheel?  Easy, his name was BC.  He later was featured on a famous comic strip.  But seriously  Thomas Edison?  Albert Einstein?  Issac Newton?  These guys' names will be around for a long long time.  They invented or discovered stuff we use all the time.  Once again, the average person doesn't know much about any of them, but nearly every kid remembers that Albert Einstein didn't do well in school and they cling desperately to this fact.  On the other hand, I really don't know who invented the Clapper.

4.  Predict the future - The worlds greatest fortune tellers have their names etched in histery.  Get it?  Hister?  Histery?  you don't?  well then you aren't watching enough of the History Channel.  Specifically about Nostradamus.  He wrote a bunch of cryptic poems called quatrains that were supposed to predict the future.  The problem is, there is no telling the future with them, only the past.  It seems that people can only match events to the poems and not the other way around.  Doesn't matter.  Prophets of any sort get a pretty long draw in history.  Noah?  Moses?  Pretty big names.  You could say...start your own religion, that works pretty well too.  Those names go on long IF your religion gets popular enough.  Religion is the ultimate fortune teller anyway.  All of them tell you the future results of current actions.  Even extending to beyond the grave.

3.  Compose some really good music - Seems like the classic music is the stuff that hangs around the longest.  But honestly I think classic rock will be around just as long.  People really know the names Bach, Beethoven, Brahms.  Wait a minute, maybe you have to write music and have a name that starts with B.  No, my bad,  Tchaikovsky, Liszt, Mendelssohn.   There are some others.  Mozart of course was so famous he got his own movie.  The rockers?  Ozzy?  How long will that name go on?  pretty long I think.  On the other hand I might just be riding the crazy train. 

2.  Be the first on a planet - Nearly everyone knows Adam.  First guy on the planet and his wife Eve.  First gal on the planet.  Sure it's a little hard for you to do but others have done it.  Look at Niel Armstrong.  Not the same?  well, true, I think you need to also start the populous of the planet.  Not really likely on the moon is it?  So we know it works, but it's probably not available to us.  Maybe this is where the aliens help out.

1.  create a good sized time capsule - Take the essence of your time on this planet and put it in a foot locker.  SEAL IT UP TIGHT.  Water tight and air tight.  You don't want it to get mold or anything else.  I would suggest a thumb drive with your best writings or websites, or maybe just an archive of your emails.  pictures from your kids.  physical pictures of you, your family etc.  maybe some of the crap you got at the last convention you attended for business.  Also some hairs so your DNA is in there as well.  So then it's up to chance to see how long it takes to find this box and open it up.  you make it for a few hundred years and assuming we are still on the planet, history will blip with your name long after you have turned to dust.  If you have the right information on your thumb drive and they have the right technology to extract it (HUGE if's) you could be famous for the Renaissance of technology itself!  WOW!  I'll get right on that.  Maybe next week.  No, wait, I'm busy then.  Well I'm gonna do it some day.

Thanks for tuning in!  All you subscribers are famous to me.  Not enough?  Sorry, it's all I've got.

top 10 ways we LOOK like we are working

Ok, let me start of by saying, if you are management, this is all just satire and YOUR employees don't do this at all. YOUR employees are practically perfect in every way. They take your assignments and work just a little bit over their daily time completely and in a single minded fashion complete the tasks you have given them. I think I can hear them whistle while they work as well.

Are they gone yet? ok. According to studies, the AVERAGE productive time out of an 8 hour day in an office is roughly 5 hours. (It's actually lower, but I'm rounding up). This means we spend 3 hours a day doing something that isn't work, but is easily mistaken for it. This is just in case you've missed on some methods of loafing.

10. Meeting gone wrong. This one might not even count, and yet it's not productive. First. Meetings as they are are usually a waste of time. They are typically 10% planning and 90% finger pointing. This depends on the corporate culture. At the end of the meeting, the conversation can turn to the weekends events, and the funny thing is, it can come from management. Usually we want to get out of there and talk to our friends about stuff. Since management doesn't have a lot of friends, they do it at the end of meetings.



9. 5 minute question - A great time waster. You have a work buddy that you would like to talk to, but you don't have a reason. well, you build up some kind of question to 'verify' of 'get your ducks in a row' and ask this buddy. the answer is 5 minutes, of course the BS afterwards takes about 35 minutes and is usually capped off by a reiteration of what was said in the first 5 minutes.







8. Good old Clip Board - It's an old movie axiom. If you look like you have a sense of purpose and you are walking quickly, nobody will know that you are not going to any meeting at all, but instead you are getting in 5 healthy laps around the office campus. It's even more effective if you have a grumpy look on your face.







7. 2 hour lunch - the key to this time waster is you can't do it often and you can't eat lunch at the same time every day. once in a while you need to work through lunch to show the boss what a dedicated employee you are. your average? 1.43 hours at lunch.










6. Bio-Break - This one is great but it takes timing and experience to use consistently. Just take a good book or magazine to the can. If you time it right, you can miss one of those yawner meetings. Word to the wise, if you fall asleep in the toilet, you will have dead legs and your snores will probably be recorded and put up on U-Tube.






5. Office Supplies / groceries - For the secretary. Secretary's work hard and you know that they are the organizational geniuses behind any good executive. As such, they can certainly go buy some office supplies and while they are at it, the weeks groceries. Of course they can't buy anything perishable unless home is between the store they go to and the office. hmmmm...








4. Solitaire - I put this one in a separate category because it's in a class all it's own. When windows first came on the business scene solitaire was there to make sure that anyone using that machine would be diverted from the buggy microsoft office software. Ahh the memories. Now a days, there are a LOT more diversions than solitaire and microsoft has put bigger numbers on their software.







3. Talk to the Boss - you walk in, you close the door. Boss, I really just wanted an informal how am I doing. This does so many things for you it's amazing 1. you look like a real 'go getter' and you are getting face time with the boss. 2. you are NOT working! 3. This meeting may actually give you some information that you need about your performance. You can only do this once a month or so, and you have to cough up new reasons to talk. If you are not possessed of the gift of gab this won't be one for you.








2. Time - Shaving time in your favor is a real good way to get your share of that 3 hours a day, and this one is Aces. you make sure you come in at about 8:40 then stay till 5:30. you look like you are staying late and yet you are shaving 10 minutes. You can adjust this play to your best benefit depending on when your boss gets in and leaves.










1. Internet "research" - This used to be a lot easier. Back before offices would completely spy on all of your internet activity you could look completely busy clicking and studying the SI Swimsuit issue online or paying your bills or looking up old high school flames, whatever. The moment someone slides by, you just bring up that REAL work window and no one is the wiser. In fact, there is an invention that is made for this, it's a foot pedal screen switcher. you plug it into your computer and when you see someone coming, you don't have to go to that embarrassing alt-tab, you just click your pedal with your feet and viola! you have the hard at work screen up in front of you. SWEET!

There you have it. I'm sure there are more, but those are the first best 10 that came into mind. As always, thanks for reading!

Yeah, I know it's not my strongest work, you can't hit a home run every time.