Top 10 things in a paper bag

Some realizations come late for me. Here I am in the store standing in line, biding my time and I get asked the timeless question "paper or plastic". I say plastic, and it hit me. I don't know ANYONE that asks for paper. I don't know anyone that cares. Now I will admit that I haven't taken the time to query everyone as to their bagging preference, but I am going to assume that everyone I know takes plastic.

They say plastic, but It's actually bio degradable cornstarch. I'm pretty sure that most people don't care about that either.

So what happened to the once vaunted paper bag? The bag that used to do it all for everyone, the elevated expression of recycling. This is my tribute to the paper bag. These are the Top 10 things you would find in a paper bag.

10. Screws - In my garage, I have a bag of sheetrock screws that try really hard to puncture the bag and cause trouble. If that bag were PLASTIC it would have given up the ghost a long time ago, but paper retains it's integrity longer after being compromised.
















9. a Hand - I remember using the smaller paper bags to make those goofy hand pupets with block heads. you could even cut a hole in the bag to make it seem like your creations could actually eat. In fact as I think about it now, I'm sure there is a re-enactment of Star Wars somewhere done in paper bag puppets.










8. Ripple - Or the ultra cheap adult beverege of your choice. You could go with Thunderbird as well, or maybe a lovely concoction of your own design. The point is, you keep it in the brown paper bag so you can just carry around the bag and drink out of it like a precursor to the juice box.













7. The Unknown Comic - This guy was a semi-funny regular on the Gong show. His head was to be ever shrouded in the identity concealing confines of a paper bag. His bit would just not be the same in a corn starch plastic bag.












6. Groceries - of course. Time was that all groceries were found in the paper bag, which was more of a flimsy box than it was a useful carrying device. This might have been a reason for it's demise in the market place. Plastic has the handy handles. Paper, you gotta heft it from the bottom. The ironic thing is that for years careful baggers would put your ice cream and your fresh produce in plastic bags before they put it in the paper bag because the paper bag's mortal enemy was moisture! It didn't take much to turn this once sturdy carrying device into a handful of pulp. So I guess they thought it would be best to cut out the middle man and use plastic bags because they were using them already.





5. Newspapers - I don't know about you, but in my house growing up, all the newspapers would go into paper bags and await the eventual troop of Boyscouts to come pick them all up and cash them in for a dollar a ton or something like that. Sure you could use twine and tie up bundles of newsprint, but we used paper bags.





4. a Cat - Back in the day, our cat would immediately find her way into the paper bag that always tended to make a box shaped tunnel that was semi closed in the front but had a sturdy back wall when laying on it's side. She could not resist. From her paper lair, she would slowly peer out and assess her quarry until it was time....to STRIKE!









3. Garbage - The paper bag was the original form of recycling. When you were done taking your groceries home, you would stack up the paper bags and use them one by one in your medium size garbage cans. Obviously best for DRY garbage, it was still very useful for holding refuse of all sorts. But now our garbage cans have also opted for plastic. *sigh*














2. Bananas - There might be some hope for the paper bag yet. The problem was this. If you had green bananas out with your other fruit, everything else would go bad, while the bananas came of age. This was because of some gas that the banana emits as it ripens. A few other fruits do this as well. Paper Bag to the rescue!!! lets good air in but doesn't let bad gas out. Maybe they should make underwear out of paper bags.











1. Presents - My mom was a crafty lady growing up. She realized that my interest in Christmas presents would be more than I could conceal. To thwart this, she pre-wrapped the presents in paper bags and THEN in colorful wrapping rendering the contents virtually invisible to prying eyes...BLAST!!! FOILED AGAIN...say foil, that could be another blog...












Ahh paper bag, we hardly knew ye.

Till Next time...Thanks for reading!

Top 10 Reasons NOT to fly Standby

Recently I had the opportunity to fly to Finland and back on my wifes special pass tickets that the airline makes available to you for working for them. I'm not going to say which airline, and I'm not going to say how much things cost etc. That's their business and I'm not in that business. The following reasons are just the technical red tape you will have to go through in order to get to your destination. Please, I'm doing this as a humorous aside, not a gripe. In general the flight benefit is wonderful as long as you understand...


10. The plane turns into a bus - Sure it's obvious, but it's true. That confirmed seat you have on the plane is now a bus ticket that is only valid if they have a seat for you. People that need control should not travel this way because your route will change as the available seats do.









9. You NEVER get the aisle seat - Unless that plane has no people on it, you will ALWAYS get the middle seat usually between the fat lady that has yet to sing and the gentleman with the enlarged prostate sitting in the window seat.












8. There is always someone more 'senior' than you - If you have been in the airline industry for 25+ years this doesn't apply. Many airlines determine extra seating availability by seniority within the company. So if you have a pass on a plane and the person next to you has a pass and he has also worked for the airline for 2 months more than you, he automatically gets preference in the list. Of course it's not that simple but it is how it is. The funny thing about this is the company thinks they are saying 'Thank you for your loyalty' to the long-suffering employee with seniority. Really they are saying 'We don't like you nearly as much as we like them' to the employee that just started using their vacation passes. Personally, I think they should determine flight order by who is wearing the fanciest hat.

7. The more you got, the harder it is - If you are traveling with family, this whole process just got a lot harder. You don't want to separate from your family. If you are not traveling with the employee, you get a lowered preference and are less likely to get on any given flight so you don't want to split up. Also, if you separate, your likelihood of getting some of your party stranded at an airport just went up a lot. So now you don't just need your seat, you need ALL your seats. This gets to be extraordinarily difficult and adds to the stress and everything else.




6. Everybody else thinks you can fly for free - Even when it's free, it's not free. You don't pick your flight, your flight picks you. If you have particularly cheap friends, they might want you to 'equalize' your flight benefit with everyone else to go to a destination. Oh your so lucky, you get to fly for free. Yes, it is a benefit, but it is a dwindling one. Not only is it not free, but you have to pay taxes levied in many locations immediately. If you are not prepared for this, you could find yourself cash poor for your 'free' flying. The only reason this is a part of the list is because when it catches you by surprise it will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

5. Where's the Seats?! - This is more a problem with the benefit of free flight and the whole flight benefit model. Back in the 80's, Airlines routinely purchased flight legs that had few travelers on it in order to force competition and add to exposure. These days, The seats themselves have become more and more cramped, and airlines are flying much more lean legs. They take away flights and are reluctant to add them. Where there were 3 flights to a location, there will be 2 with smaller planes. This might be good for the company, but it's no good for the employee.




4. Dress up time! - If you are going to try to fly first class (why not? It's free ;) ). You can do so, BUT you have to dress up in slacks and a button down shirt etc. They don't want just any rabble flying first class. Of course if you pay those outrageous ticket prices for first class, you can dress in a tank top and cut offs and they will still give you exceptional service. So next time you go through first class on the way to your cattle car seating, look at the dress code. The people dressed up to fly are probably doing it at a DEEEP discount. This is actually a pretty small price to pay for flying first class as long as everything else goes well, which it won't but man oh man, when you are in those seats enjoying real food...mmmm








3. Employee services are likely quite a walk from your flight - This is only really annoying if you have dressed up for First class and you are going to have to walk all over the airport to get your next leg ticket because the flight you thought was going to be good ended up filling up so you need a different out. Many times in the course of flying, you will have to fly on a 'code-share' airline. this means that they have an agreement with your company to sell you a cheap ticket. This comes out of your company. So if you are at one code-share airline and you need to get to another, you must buy a different code share ticket. This means walking all the way to the employee services and back to your next gate. If they don't happen to share the terminal you are in, then you are in for a journey. This is easily remedied by buying lots of code share tickets for all of your contingencies. After all, you're flying for free right?



2. lemme check the flights - When you buy a regular airline ticket weather online or from an agent, you look at your options, and you buy your ticket. Now your time is yours. You can worry about all the other aspects of your trip. When you are standby, you must check not only your flight, but all of your connecting flights because your plans change all the time. So if you add the cost of constantly checking the computer for your flight availability, it gets to be a little more expensive.

1. Until you are on the plane and flying away, you are not on the plane - I've seen this happen. People with standby tickets are boarded on the plane and then someone with more seniority or someone with a paid ticket comes in late and kicks you out of your chair. Until that door is closed, you don't really have a seat, you just have high hopes.












Don't get me wrong, flying stand by is a great way to get places for very cheap or possibly free. And I've certainly used more than my fair share of that benefit and I greatly appreciate it, but before you sink a few years into an airline career, just consider the above. It's at it's best flying one leg flights alone. After that, it starts getting dicey.