Top 10 Scary Things

We are in the month. The great and scary month. Most of the month is actually very nice. We have one sporting event winding down and another starting up. We have pleasant weather for most of the weeks of the month. October is a trickster in it's very name. Octo- for eight seems to be a little bit off since it's month number 10. Why keep the Roman name for a month when we don't use the Roman calendar? Who knows? But that's all beside the point. The month in America stands for Halloween. Even though the day falls at the climax of the month we seem to see the whole month as being owned by Witches, Zombies and Goblins. Anything supernatural/creepy is relegated to this month with the possible exception of the ghosts of Christmas past present and future, but only the ghost of X-mas future was really that creepy. When you are young, these beasties can give you quite a scare, but as you get older you almost wish they were real just to spice things up a bit. When you are an adult, you get a whole other crop of things that scare you. Things that are so creepy that they don't make fun, or costumes for these things.

1. Public Performance - They say that public speaking is one of the most intimidating things that people can do. Fortunately, I don't suffer from that particular anxiety. But getting in front of people, knowing that all eyes will be on you, and worse still, knowing that they are judging everything you are saying, can give nearly anyone the creeps. I quote the wisdom of Mike Brady 'Just imagine that you are talking to everyone while in their underwear'. Wow, that's a great nugget. Why in the world would I want to do that?! So I can imagine that the auditorium is hotter than it really is? Sheesh.


2. Being Singled out - This goes hand in hand with number 1 except it's more that suddenly in a group all attention is focused on YOU. So in a large meeting, your boss asks your opinion of something and suddenly all eyes are on you. It's at this point that you usually say something really insightful like 'I agree 100% with what you are saying'. But you really don't want to be thought of as the loner. Outside all groups. Kind of reminds you of High School doesn't it?















3. Your kids acting obnoxious - This is more of a fear of Parents. People are not so much afraid as annoyed at kids acting obnoxious. But we all assume that we were kids at some point and we move on. The parents of those kids on the other hand...wow...now there is some real fear. You would rather make a big fool of yourself than listen to your own flesh and blood do the same.












4. Extended relative visits - I'm not sure if this is a genuine phobia or what, but when THOSE relatives come into town and hit you up for some free room and board, you get a little jumpy. This isn't a fear as much as it might be an anxiety. These days nobody but people you DON'T want satying with you in your house would ask to do so. But then to hear how long they plan on gracing you with their presence. Well it can cause you some undue stress. This one I get from listening to the experiences of others and not from my own rich anecdotal storybook. Cousin Eddy, we hardly knew ye.











5. That one thing...you know what it is - Everyone has that one thing. you know. don't worry, I won't tell anyone else. But it's that one thing that you are absolutely petrified of. It might be in this list, and it might not, but one thing is for certain. It grips you more than any regular pedestrian fear. This is REAL. Most people have one of these and it's completely irrational and serves no purpose but to embarrass you completely when you are exposed to it. What's mine do you ask? I'm not tellin, but I invite you to guess.












6. I.R.S. - They say these Government blood suckers actually inspire more fear than nearly anything out there. People would rather experience #9 below than face the Tax Man. All of my own meetings with the IRS have been genial and quick. No real reason to fear them, but that is the NEW IRS. The old IRS probably still has some of that old scare power in em. I don't want to find out!!!














7. Lost Kids - Another parent thing. When your kids are old enough to start walking but young enough to trust anyone they meet, you fear for them ALL the time. If you are a mom, multiply this by Avagadro's number to come up with the actual fear factor. Here is the funny thing, we actually live in a society where crime is on a decline in general. It's thanks to a press with nothing better to do that we hear about all the wierdos that live near us. Ick. Anyway. Just the idea that you have lost your kids in the mall or at an amusement park, or even at a regular store just scares the crap out of a parent. Enough so that you jerk the kid by the arm and nearly pull his arm out of his socket before calming down enough to scream at the poor punk. Problem is, they don't remember that yell fest and they do it again, and again.







8. Car Accident - Nothing projects death like a totaled car. Even a fender bender makes you wonder if the driver was hurt or not. Nobody likes an accident, and nobody wants the trouble of who hit whom and who needs to pay. It's all a hassle. The only thing I know. The insurance will always pay just less than what you had hoped and will repair your car to near junkitude. yuck. Car accidents are the worst thing I can think of that aren't really serious. This of course adds insult to injury if it's YOUR fault.









9. Dental Problems - Biggest cause of severe dental issues is not congenital defects of your teeth or a lack of flouride, but rather, the trip to the dentist itself. The lack of regular checkups is the biggest reason your teeth are in the shape they are. It's no wonder, it's a regular house of horrors in there. I'm pretty sure that they just put those suspected terrorists in the dentist chair for a checkup. That's GOTTA be against the Geneva Convention. People fear the Dentist JUST UNDER their fear of the IRS. EEEEEEEEEK!!!





10. Unemployed - This has become a bigger and bigger realized fear in the world today. Our own country edges up towards 10% unemployment and you wonder which of your friends have found new jobs, or are floundering at their mom and dad's place. Just the thought of being called into your bosses room makes you break out into a cold sweat. This fear is at it's biggest from people that have experienced a layoff in the past. It's a horrible thing, I'm here to tell you. Anyone that tells you that it's just as tough being the manager doing the firing is just being an idiot and should shut up. No, I know it's no fun, but it's on the same scale as breaking bad news to someone, not really scary, just something you would rather not do. To be on the other end is the same as having a good friend suddenly turn on you for no good reason. You sit and wonder why and what you can do to mend the fence with that friend. Except the company is NOT your friend, NOR is it your 'family'. It is your place of employment. It is much more tragic to lose a close friend than it is to lose your job. But hopefully you can repair your relationship with your friend. Once a job lets you go, they aren't going to give you a second thought UNLESS they suddenly need you for something, and then they will be sweet as honey again so they can get what they need from you. It's a real fear that people are living with on a daily basis right now.

Thanks so much for trudging back into the dark recesses of my addled brain. I hope it was worth soiling your Timberlines.

Top 10 reasons monkeys will cause the downfall of civilization

DAMN DIRTY APES!!! That's right, monkeys. They will be the eventual downfall of civilization. This is actually an extension of a long running joke that I have with my youngest son. For I believe that he is a lousy stinkin monkey. But in all truth. I have long suspected our simian brothers to be silently planning our downfall. I know, apes are not monkeys etc etc. I don't care. If they look vaguely human, I don't care if they have a tail or not.

As a result, this is my treatise on all of the reasons that monkeys will be the downfall of our civilization.

1. Monkeys spontaneously create nuclear bombs - Monkeys do not have any problem making nuclear weapons. But unlike man. Monkeys don't have a problem setting them off either. Once monkeys get a hold of the nukes, we can kiss this planet good bye. How do I know this? The way they look at you with those eyes...it's obvious.














2. Monkeys don't work. - This seems fairly obvious. Monkeys don't work, they hang around in trees eating fruit that's easy to pick or they steal food from other monkeys. They don't want to try to plant their own food even though they have opposeable thumbs. After a while they start causing trouble because they don't even have stupid monkey jobs. The only thing they really excel at is the downfall of civilizations.






3. Monkeys have been the cause of most every major war on earth - When monkeys bombed pearl harbor, we assumed it was the Japanese. When monkeys dropped nukes on Hiroshima, they assumed it was us. nope monkeys. Korean conflict? Monkeys. Iraq? definitely monkeys. Neighbors down the street having a drunken brawl? Monkeys.









4. Monkeys are the source of disease - Bubonic plague?! more like baboonic plague. There was more simian than sickness about that epidemic. Monkeys had waited for a time when the world was concentrating on witches and demons before unleashing their deadly 'bad air' on the general populous. Aids? Monkeys. It had nothing to do with anything other than bad monkey blood germs. Plain and simple. Swine flu? Hardly. Pigs were the primates willing patsies on that one. Monkey flu is much more appropriate.











5. Lousy Thevein Monkeys! - So you are home and you want to find your wallet, or that one picture you took, or the paper you wrote, but now you can't find it?! Monkeys took it. It's the only logical answer. Just ask anyone in Gibraltar. Monkeys steal everything and they are proud of it. So before you go blaming your neighbor about your lost power tools. Remember, it was probably monkeys.















6. Monkeys create cellphone deadspots - A long but undocumented fact is that those annoying monkeys create deadspots in cellphone reception. We aren't sure how it's done, but clearly it's annoying and therefore must be the fault of monkeys. I tend to think that it's their new method of eliminating communications between people. This will eventually lead to wars. And then back to the Nukes.








7. Monkeys hate books - One of the great developments of modern society is the printed page. We have propelled mankind from the dark ages to the post modern era. This has given monkeys no end of grief. If they ever get loose in the worlds libraries, we will be in the dark ages within 3 months. Ever give a monkey a book? Good bye Harry Potter, Hello paper Mache.












8. Monkeys are overly concerned with privacy. - Monkeys are always hiding from people they would rather not see, which is a good thing. What is bad is that unfortunately not seeing monkeys do not make them cease to exist. You know they are there...plotting the next downfall of civilization. They need their privacy because they can't be bothered while they are creating the next civilization ending catastrophe.







9. Monkeys are immune to lead. we aren't - Lead poisoning was on of the leading factor to the downfall of Rome. The problem is, the more lead you are exposed to, the dumber you get. Really Really dumb. They used to sweeten their wine with an extract made from lead. Sheesh. Well, monkeys are not affected by lead. They are already as dumb as they can get. As a result, they can poison the environment with their lead based monkey toys without any problem. Dumber humans = less humans. That's what the monkeys say. (They invented lead too)











10. More monkeys = more trouble - Even though more monkeys are present in the world all the time. It's important to note that If you give 1000 monkeys a typewriter, they will eventually be able to work out nuclear weapons. It's obvious that Iran has employed 999 monkeys and are looking for that last monkey. America, China, Russia and others have already employed their monkeys. They don't realize that this is playing right into the monkeys hands. Greedy little monkey hands.






I hope it's not too late to thwart the monkeys.