Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Top 10 Idiot Drivers

We all do it. We all at one point or another are exposed to idiots. I've found that 9 times out of 10, the idiots you run across are driving within a few car lengths of your proximity. These ersatz drivers license holders should not only have their privilege revoked, but they should be made to go to non-idiot school.

This is one of the few blogs that I actually have much more than 10 entries for, but since I've molded my on line image into top 10 lists, I will resist. I've been thinking of starting another blog for my short rants and not break my self imposed 10 items rule but that's another subject for another day.

The following represents most of the people on the road that you have yelled at, made hand gestures to, looked at meaningfully across several lanes of traffic, or maybe even took their license plate down because they were SO bad. Understand that most of these elements are seen alone only rarely and are usually coupled with several other members on the list.

10. - The Racer - You know this guy. He thinks that the freeway is the Taledega 500 and He's Ricky Bobby. He zips in and out of lanes as effortlessly as a beginning bowler jumping lanes with a 10 lb ball. This person not only is a hazard because he's cutting through the natural flow of traffic, but his erratic movements make him unpredictable. But once he has a clear lane, he takes off like a shot. This is the guy that wins the 'The Police are never around when you need them' award. But rest assured, the local constabulary will certainly catch up with him because he drives like this EVERY DAY.

9. - Dis intersection wooks scawey! - Ok, you're humming down the road at a reasonable pace and you notice ahead of you in the distance is a red light. Rats! I guess i'll have to stop. Wait a minute! It's turning green!!! YAY Mario Andretti the God of Driving has granted me a boon! Oh no, what now?! The driver ahead of me has decided to put on the brakes anyway...in the middle of a green lighted intersection?! What on Danika Patricks green earth are they thinking? After the intersection, they speed back up again...So I finally am riding in the car with a person that is doing the same thing!!!. I said 'what in the world are you doing?' She said 'Well I'm just scared that something is going to happen in the intersection.' I said ' so you think that by slowing down to something under the speed limit that that will give you the lightning fast reflexes to avoid being T-boned?' She said 'Well, I don't know, I'm just not comfortable in intersections.' She really needs to stop this bad habit or hand in her license, if anything speed up, you'll avoid whatever bogymen lurk in the painted square.

8 - Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize the turnoff was HERE! - These people really annoy me. Say you are in rush hour traffic and you are waiting in a long line of cars at an exit that is well traveled. You see someone in a silver Mercedes zoom all the way up to the front of the exit and then turn on his blinker and signal in. That jerk deserves to drive a Yugo for the rest of his life. I don't care what kind of emergency he has because he has the same emergency every day. People that seem to think that their time is more valuable than yours really deserve to be slapped around. I don't care if you are jumping a line in traffic, customs, or Disneyland. The result is the same, you deserve whatever Karma can deal to you because you are a grade A Jerk.

7 - What is that @$@^! Line Jumper doing?! - Ok, this is exactly the opposite of number 8 and annoys me nearly as much. Here is the deal. When you are driving down the road and you see a merge sign. you know, the one that looks like a funnel made out of road? You are SUPPOSED to occupy both lanes until it is time to merge and then you take turns folding both lanes into one from both sides. Just because you are so sheep like that you can't possibly break the line and go down the other one that isn't being used doesn't mean that other people can't. That merge is like a funnel, except if water acted like you did, it would go out of the funnel faster from one side than it does from the other. Don't be jealous of the people that are filling in the lane, that's what it is there for. You should be gracious and let 1 person merge in front of you. the 2nd person that tries to butt in line IS being a jerk however and is deserving of your ire.

6 - But your Blindspot is really really comfy! - You are going down the freeway and you have been in the same lane for a while. You see that there is someone driving slower than you are in the right hand lane. You don't want to, but you probably are going to pass them. When you turn on your blinkers and make your move you all of the sudden notice that there is someone that has been hanging out in your blind spot for about the last 5 miles. The ONLY way you would see them is if you actually moved your head to look behind you and to the right. You didn't. Now they are giving you the 1 finger salute for cutting them off. Well don't feel TOO badly. If you are a good driver, you manage to stay OUT OF PEOPLES BLIND SPOTS!!!. I understand this is very hard in rush hour traffic, but you can still do it. If you are riding parallel with someone's rear right tire, you are very likely in their blind spot. Either SPEED UP, or SLOW DOWN. Yes, yes, I know, the accident would not be your fault, but does that mean you want it to happen? if you are smart, you will avoid this position and the bigger the vehicle, the more important it is that you remain clear of their blind spot.

5 - Go around! I'm saving time - You WISH this is what that jackass would say. Instead he is going a full 10 miles under the speed limit yammering away on his cellphone. His personal time savings device. You see, he is conducting important business on the phone right there so just go around him. He'll be cutting you off later when he gets off (you can count on it). One of the more creative answers to this is the portable mobile phone blocker. if you get close enough to them with this little dandy, you can scramble any and all cell phone reception. SWEET! There are several bosses I would love to have done that too. There is another person that falls under this category and that is the beauty queen. You've seen her, she's that carton of milk that's reaching her expiration date and she is desperately trying to add a few days. She's got the whole Mary Kay warehouse in the seat next to her and she is going to recapture her lost glory. All the while she is swerving to avoid traffic and going another 10 miles under the speed limit.

4 - Cmon In! I'm sure the 43 people behind me won't mind! - Once again, it's crowded and you are on a packed surface street. It looks like you are going to glide through the next light though. slowly but smoothly. OH NO!!! Mr Friendly has decided to give up his RIGHT OF WAY and let some people into the middle of traffic that are waiting to get out of the 7-11. are you KIDDING ME?! That is a bad accident waiting to happen, and if you are one of the unfortunate souls that is tempted by this venus fly trap of traffic, I say waive them on. The reason you shouldn't be going out there is because while prince charmless has decided that it's time to be magnanimous for the rest of the people in that lane, other people behind him aren't too keen on the idea so they are going around him. Just in time to t-bone you if they aren't being careful. Once again, it's an accident waiting to happen. Let them get out when there is a natural opening. Don't abdicate your right of way to be the 'good Samaritan'

3 - Thump Thump! Who needs a horn - I hope all those idiots go DEAF. If you have a stereo on so loud that you are shaking MY rear view mirrors from 2 car lengths away, you clearly have too many Watts in your Rockford Fossgate. Turn it DOWN. Nobody needs to her whatever crap you think is music, nobody cares that you just bought the latest 8-track of the Beastie Boys for your retro music system. You need to turn it DOWN. You are a distraction at best and when someone honks their horn to warn you of impending danger, your really fly nailpolish paintjob is going to get ruined with nobody to blame but yourself...homeboy...

2 - You people need to OBEY the LAW - Some people really think that they should have been in law enforcement. After all, they see the laws of the road being broken ALL THE TIME! Look at all these maniacs speeding along like they are going to die tomorrow! I'll show em! I'm going to go into their favorite left hand lane and I'm going to drive the speed limit! That'l show em! Ok Grandpa, It's time to go home and watch that vhs of Gunsmoke you recorded. You AREN'T Marshal Dillon, and it's not up to you to force the rest of those speed demons into speed compliance. Stay in your right hand lane and for heavens sake, ease up on those prunes!

1 - I'm pretty sure my wheels were over the line - Once again Mr I can't possibly wait for anything has decided to push peoples patience and walk one more step to someone elses road rage. The left turn light has turned on and it's time for people to make the most dangerous turn in driving. Well, now the light has turned yellow, so those of you that are still in the Intersection should get a move on and that last guy that followed them is ok too. Hold ON! there are 3 more people after the left turn light has long since grown cold. They are all claiming that their wheels were over the line when the light was yellow sooooo...Jerks. You are all Jerks. as long as that light is yellow, that's fine. Yellow is another shade of green in Utah. But when that light is RED that means STOP because it's time for other people to drive no matter how much you think it's ok if you jump this left turn, just this time. STAY PUT JACKASS!

There, I'm done with that subject. If you drive like this. Please stop.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. If you are in law enforcement I've got an idea for you. So you've decided to pull over that speeding guy that drives like his wife is going to be the next octo-mom. How about this, once you've stopped him. Tell him to get off at the next exit and park in the first parking lot he sees. THEN you can conduct your business and leave the rest of the lemming idiots on the freeway with nothing to look at, and it will be much safer for all involved. Just a suggestion. Other than that, you guys do a bangup job and you don't make near enough money for putting up with all these defectives!

Ok, now I'm really done. Thanks for reading and tell your friends!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Top 10 elements of better society

so here we are, Tax time. When Government renews itself and there is just a hint of bureaucracy in the air. Certainly I'm no fan of taxes, in fact, the only people I know that are fans of taxes:

A. already have more than enough money or nowhere near enough
B. support whoever is currently in office

everyone else thinks taxes are for the birds. Yeah, sure, every government needs them, but isn't it also true that there is no existing government that has persisted. What would be the cause of this? There is only one answer. The government stopped serving it's people in one capacity or another. But lets look at this a little closer. How does a government stop serving it's people? In a government where officials are elected by democratic process it happens because the people that are content with government often occupy the middle of the political spectrum. When you occupy the middle, you are very likely to not bother voting because you are busy living life with family friends etc. This leaves the fringes of both sides of the political spectrum. The fascists and the communists. Of course those are extreme examples, but that's where they lean. These are the people that are active enough to vote in every election and therefore garner unprecedented attention from running politicians. The more politicians cater to the fringe elements to get votes, the more they alienate the middle. This is true on either side of the spectrum. Once they cater to the sides enough, the middle believes they are not being served and that's when revolutions occur. Other governments fall for the same reason. they cater to minorities instead of the majority and then the majority revolts.

According to history the disintegration of government service is eventual. This decay could be slow or quick, but it is inevitable.

So how do we stop this? what is the secret to a complete government? We have to look at government in the right light first. Always remember, the government should never be thought of as anything but other citizens. Not above or controlling, but rather organizing on our behalf.

I will now list my top 10 elements of a better society

10. Term Limits - Yes, I know we have term limits every time we have an election and we can vote the bums out. The problem is this, while they have been in office, they have had 2-4 years worth of being recognized by everyone around. The longer they are in, the better chance they have of becoming a household name. On top of that, people keep them in office because in Washington they have become very influential in their own right and so we don't want to vote in some newbie that has no power at all. Make it mandatory and then you solve that problem. Isn't it interesting that most politicians will not vote for term limits? hmmmmm...

9. No foreign lobbies in government - This really bugs me. Why in the world to we allow foreign countries access to our congressmen and senators? What possible reason could we have? Few if any other countries allow us the same courtesy because they feel like other countries might not have their countries best interests at heart. No kidding? If you look around online you'll be able to find out which foriegn lobby's have the most money floating around in our government sesspool. you'll be surprised. Or not.

8. No income taxes - I've heard this from a lot of people. 'You can't do that mark because it's already really unfair and that would just make the rich get richer'. News flash for ya. The rich will get rich no matter what you do with them because they are the people that have enough risk taking juevos to try to get there. Yes, I'm well aware that some people have inherited their money and it just isn't 'fair' boo hoo. I'm not rich, and yet I really have a problem with people that always want to see people that do well 'get theirs' it's a very ugly and selfish attitude. If you replace income taxes with use taxes, the government will make money based on how good a job it is doing in making international trade good for us. That's why they don't like it. they get less money for their little projects if they don't actually do some work helping us out. Sounds good to me.

7. Take care of the poor - In the same way you will always have the rich, you will always have the poor. It's another sad fact of life. Yes, I'm well aware that many of the poor are there because they simply don't have the capacity to earn enough to maintain themselves. We need to make it possible for the rest of us to take care of those poor. The further away from the actual poor you put this power, the less effective it is. Money in government is like a flashlight. The further away you are from what you are trying to light up, the less effective the light is. If you try to solve the problem of the poor with national mandates and national programs, you will not be nearly as effective as individual states who are not nearly as effective as individual cities and counties. Put the money closer to where the poor are and you will have a better chance of dealing with them. In fact, if charitible institutions were to actually take over the the caretaking of the poor, it would be infinitely better than government. Why? Because religion in general cares about people. Sure, they want to tell you what to do and everything, but doesn't government? Government doesn't care about people, government only cares about itself. So keep the care taking of the actual poor with the people that know how in places they know how to do it.

6. General education stops at High School and is run locally - This idea of consistent education throughout the country is nonsense. No child left behind...are you kidding? Once again. the problem is that in different areas things work differently for myriad reasons. Government should be a vehicle to assist parents in the education of their children not a method of babysitting to get kids out of parent's hair. Or even worse a method for indoctrinating the young to the ideas of the old. The idea of national standards is ridiculous and the argument of 'at least we are trying something' is just an admission of failure. Lets run our education as though we are preparing our children to life life on their own in stead of preparing them to live life at the feet of a paternal government due to bad education. After grade school, College should start out in specialized fields. General Education is a joke at best and a waste of money at worst. All it does is makes you better at Jeopardy!

5. Nacho's - any truly formed society will eventually develop good nachos with that radioactive yellow cheeze that drapes itself over the chips like a Greek God is draped in a toga. Just hot enough to be enjoyable and cheezy enough to make you forget how unhealthy it is. It won't matter because the rest of society is so good that they will more than make up for how bad Nacho's are for you.

4. Fair - All laws made by government are given to all people to enjoy regardless of race, gender, creed etc. All men are created equal they say. and I've heard it said that some people are more equal than others. But honestly, how can any government be considered great unless all the people are treated fairly under the law. This includes freedom of religion, freedom of expression, freedom to engage in commerce. You know, like that one document says that we all should be. Along with this we should remember that government is there to serve the people, not entities. I very much dislike that government gets itself into the business of promoting business. Business should be allowed to succeed or fail based on it's merits on a fair and even playing field. The only thing the government should do in the case of business is make sure there is always competition. Lets see...how has our government done with that...*sigh*

3. Hurt feelings can not be legislated - You know what I mean. People are offended. They are offended by this and by that and by anything that tickles their fancy. You could stand outside and give everyone free cupcakes and someone would be offended because they are the same color that their religion or culture deems to be the most insulting color that ever existed. Don't even get me started on the shape of the cupcake. Boo hoo. The only people that are complaining are the people that have enough time to complain. Yah Yah, they have a history of one thing or another. we all do in one way or another. But how long are we going to sit mired in the past worrying about all of the injustices done to us by nature, God, or nachos. There is no playing catchup with the past, and no amount of reparations will solve the pains of an unjust past. The only thing you can do is make things fair. see # 4 again.

2. Trade is free - we should make certain that our country only trades with countries that are willing to open their markets to our products and vice versa. Why don't we have this equal playing field? go back up and check number 9 again. We've allowed our government to become so corrupt through foreign lobby that they have sold our bargaining position in the world for their own security. If we do this we will be much better off and ultimately more competitive.

1. limited health care and insurance is illegal - Normally I'm against government doing anything that is not a constitutional right. Since health care is not in the constitution, it really isn't a right. After all, how many people has medicine cured? The answer, 0. There are a lot of people that medicine has postponed death for, but ultimately they all die. We have to be comfortable with this idea first before we continue on with health care. Once we are, we can look at the reason most people go into the emergency room and make free clinics for all to go to with most of those common maladies. These would be immunizations, strep, various broken bones and skin breaks that need stiches and various other ailments that would constitute 80% of what we know these are all conditions that are relatively simple to treat and do not need a lot of expertise. We require doctors to serve there for several years as a part of their overall education. Of course this works as long as there are lots of people that want to be doctors. this shouldn't be a problem for the forseeable future. Insurance should be made illegal because all it does is creates a drag on the overall healthcare system as well as makes very easy and simple procedures much more expensive than they are. 'But Mark! if we take insurance out, then I will have to pay for everything and I deserve good health care!'. Well, I'm sure you do, but the fact is, if we had food insurance, we would only be allowed to eat re-fried beans and salad and the bill would be 20 dollars but it's ok because we only have a 4 dollar co-pay. Take insurance out and make people responsible for their own health care again. shop around. allow competition back into the arena. Doctors used to make housecalls and were affordable. Now they are very expensive and yet paid less because HMO's and insurance have taken over all the money. Everyone else got ripped off.

I know I know, this wasn't a very amusing list, but I've been cheezed off since paying my taxes. I hate hearing about how my taxes are going to pay for Car companies and banks that are too big to fail, or better yet to pay for houses that people shouldn't have bought in the first place. Don't get me started, and there is no end in sight. BAH!