Ten Gambles we all take

I've made no bones about the fact that I like to place a dollar on Dobbin's nose from time to time.  Actually, horse racing and sports are the only games I won't play; regular casino games are my fare.  Invariably the subject comes up, and someone will shake their head and explain that they couldn't possibly gamble.   The reasons are similar.  'I work too hard to just blow it like that', 'Why do something I know I'll never win', 'It's a sin'.  The last one of course hails from my more religious friends.  I don't have a problem with gambling being a sin.  What I have a problem with is the definition of Gambling.

Here are ten gambles we should probably take a hard look at.

10. 401 K - This great investment for retirement was thought to be a 'sure thing.'  Yet whenever you invest in anything the small print will say something to the effect of: "all investment involves an element of risk.  Only invest an amount in a way that you are comfortable with the overall risk"  This means: no matter what, you might lose it.  Gambling has a certain payback over time that you are guaranteed.  Of course that payback is a negative amount, but at least you are sure of it.

9.  The Movies - You pay between 8 and 15 dollars to see a show.  You have no idea if you are going to enjoy the movie or really hate it.  You will spend 2 hours in the hopes of being entertained.  If you are not, you've lost 2 hours and your money, but the popcorn was probably still good.  Gambling can make the same claim.  When you gamble, you are being entertained.  If you think of it in terms of an investment or a job, then yes, you are fooling yourself.  If you consider yourself entertained then you are already a winner.

8.  Trust - All trust is a gamble.  In fact the very use of the term involves unverified risk.  If I ask you to trust me, what I'm really saying is that I have no outward reason for you to enlist me as an agent on your behalf, but I would appreciate the opportunity to do so.  Ultimately if I ask you to trust me, I am asking you to bear all or most of the risk of what I am doing.  Gambling never asks for trust.  It tells you up front that over time you will lose unless you cheat and they trust you to not do that.

7.  Software Upgrades - Notice I didn't say software.  Software purchases are separate and not really thought of as a gamble because you pay for your software and then you use it to whatever extent you try to learn it.  This deals with upgrading your current software for the same software only better.  The 'better' part is claimed by the software vendors.  Sometimes it costs to upgrade, sometimes it doesn't but it's ALWAYS a gamble.  You are risking the software you know for what you hope is going to be software that works better.  This is kind of like the double or nothing bet you can get on a draw poker machine.  You win a hand and before it pays you it says 'double or nothing?' at which point you can say no and collect your winnings (bird in the hand) if you accept their challenge, you pick a card out of 5 presented to you and then the machine picks a card, high card wins.  you can do that until you quit and collect or pick wrong and lose.

6.  Driving - People that are afraid of airplanes, boats, and other much safer modes of transportation really crack me up.  They are genuinely afraid of getting on these conveyances because they are afraid of the possible outcome.  Here is the problem.  When you watch the news, plane crashes and boat problems are so rare that they are news.  Car accidents that aren't horrible, and are, are an EVERY DAY OCCURRENCE.  Yet people drive every day without giving it a second thought.  Avoiding more sure forms of transportation in favor of driving is like playing a bet in the casino where you don't know the game or what's happening with your bet but you just feel good about it.

5.  Employment - For the most part, the idea of the 'company man' only exists in companies that are privately owned.  More and more companies hire people with the idea that those people are eminently disposable.  Any assumption that your employer will continue your employment through substandard performance is a GAMBLE (possibly a sure thing though).  If you have a job, your best bet is to treat it like it's NOT A SURE THING.  Even then, you can get laid off through no fault of your own.  This is a lot like betting both black and red on Roulette.  Seems like a sure thing, but there is the green of 0 and 00 that wipe both bets out. And don't forget, the person placing the REAL bet is your employer ;).

4. Not Going to the Doctor - More for the menfolk than the women. If you don't go regularly to the doctor, you are really just asking for a checkup when they bring you to the emergency room.  I'm not sure what it is about people that they will ask friends and non-doctors what they think something is, but they will not ask their doctor.  IF they happen to go to the doctor then they don't follow the doctors instructions; instead they will go to some 'alternative' treatment.  When you read 'alternative' just replace that in your head with snake-oil.  Every day you feel like you might be better but you are getting worse, just go to the doctor. The fear of not knowing is much worse than bad news.  This is like playing slots over time.  Ups and downs that end with downs.

3.  Restaurant Dining - You go to a restaurant and sit down to a fancy meal.  When I say fancy I mean something more than your Lean Cuisine instant food that you don't do on a regular basis.  Something that feels like it's probably special.  For me, it's a churro at Disney.  When you pay that much for food, you expect at a minimum that the food is good.  When you look for excellence in food, you automatically put yourself at risk of eating bad food.  Not bad in a health sense (though that's a part of this gamble) but just not tasty or enjoyable.  It's not a GAMBLE Mark!  You pay money, you get food.  It's a transaction and you are talking about quality not loss.  To this I say, once you have been on the diet road for any period of time, you realize that every bite of food you put in your mouth will cost you.  If you are consuming calories from food you don't enjoy, that is a LOSS.  I tend to think of this like sports betting.  No matter how much you know, or how much one team/player is better than another, you can't predict the upset. You can, however, step away from the game in both scenarios.  Amazing how often people don't.  The desire to finish an unappetizing meal is directly proportional to the amount paid for it.

2.  Justice - Jury of my peers?!?  WOW.  Our current legal system is such a gamble I don't think anyone would deny it.  I have served on a jury and I was amazed at the different ways of thinking that were included in 12 citizens.  Justice has a lot more to do with people's feelings than their view of facts.  I like to think I'm a very objective thinker.  I realize that most people think of themselves that way.  This means that while objectivity is sought after by people as a valuable tool for thinking, the emotional nature of the human animal makes it very hard to remove yourself from your feelings about a particular subject.  In poker the equivalent would be going all in, but letting everyone else at the table choose the cards for each player's hand.  Talk about a gamble!

1.  Religion - No matter what you believe or don't believe, if you are basing your future on it and you can't prove it, it's a gamble.  You may know in your heart of hearts that something is true, right up until you don't.  Assuming that God gets really mad if you don't do everything exactly the way he told a man to tell you to do it, it would be really bad if you put a bet on a man that wasn't actually speaking on behalf of God or some kind of supreme being.  If you are going to bet the don't side and go with Atheism, you are saying that anything you do doesn't get scored in a big role playing game scoreboard in the sky somewhere and that you think there is not any kind of supreme being that is keeping that score.  While no evidence is not convincing, it is not evidence of nothing either.  This is a big bet for some people because they will put a lot of effort into their religion to bolster their end of life, judgement bar bankroll.  This is a lot like roulette: you can put all of your money on one number for a big payoff, or you can spread out your bet to cover a lot of numbers for a lesser payoff.

Many times a discussion about gambling from those smart folk that don't think they partake ends in something like "Here's how I double my money" at which point they take their dollar out of their pocket and fold it in half and put it back.  The gamble there was whether or not that was actually ever funny.  Odds are 5 to 1 against ;).

Top 10 Gods

Most people form some kind of belief system about their surroundings. This of course is because we can't possibly know everything about those surroundings. We hunger for rhyme and reason in a seemingly random and chaotic world. Yes,we have science but for now I am going to ignore my atheist readers and assume that there is in fact at least 1 God. What you say? You believe in several? Why not. Well the truth is, the God you believe in is very likely the one that your parents brought you up with. Not too many of you will convert to other faiths, and some of you will lose your faith all together.

The funny thing about deity is there really can only be one RIGHT way that things are. I can't for the life of me figure out how everyone could be right. On the other hand it's pretty easy to come up with a model where everyone is wrong (there are you atheists happy now?). So I'm going to list my top 10 Gods. This is of course based on my personal experience and not their relative merits or powers. So the actual GOD may be a little miffed about my estimations. If God would like to correct me, then He/She/They is more than welcome. This will mark my first top 10 list that will not have numbers because I don't want to put anyone's false God up against any one else's true God.

Also, I will not be paying any deference to mono-theistic Gods over poly-thestic. The truth is, there are a lot more multiple God belief systems. Granted most of these were available in antiquity and currently have lost ground to the mono-theistic Gods.

Heavenly Father - AKA God the Father, The Great I am. This is the God of Christianity. There are a lot of names for him. No matter what your Judeo/Christian stripe, The Father is consistent and unchanging. Now there are the other 2 in what's known as the Godhead. Namely Jesus and the Holy Ghost. This triumvirate combine to make the all powerful purpose of Christianity. There is no Origin story for God the Father, but quite an interesting one about his son. Also, there is no real mention of who the Holy Ghost is, or what he does. As the more enigmatic of the three, the Holy Ghost is the part of the Godhead that remains somewhat aloof when it comes to mankind. We can feel his effects, but other than that there have been no real public appearances as opposed to the other 2 members, and no mention as to his ultimate whereabouts. Chronicled in oral as well as scriptural narritave this God has many different religions devoted to him among the worlds major ones Catholicism and Judaism. This was the God I was brought up with and by virtue of that the one I most identify with. I hope I don't get him mad with this discussion, but he seems to get mad a lot, so I won't blame him.



Brahma - Brahma is the creator of the Hindu belief. He is also many times mentioned as a part of a trio but for a different purpose. The other two are Vishnu the preserver and Shiva the Destroyer. The Hindu belief system is rife with interesting Gods and Goddesses as well as evil personages that approximate many of our own human frailties. At times the tables are turned on the forces of good and Vishnu will take on a human form to battle evil to restore Balance. Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva each have parts to play and are not without conflict among themselves. Brahma originally had 5 heads but at one point lost one of them because he lied to Vishnu causing Shiva to become angry. These 3 major gods represent the cycle of the earth as Brahma will create, Vishnu will preserve and Shiva will destroy. There are more interesting stories and traditions connected with Hinduism than I could count. I list this God because I had a friend that I worked with that was Hindu and told me many of them. I found them absolutely fascinating and would always bug him for another Hindu story.

Cthulhu - I mention this guy because he's not actually a God at all. But when I first saw his name, I thought he was associated with some cult religion and not just a made up deity in a fictional work. Cthulhu has a lot of different spellings and is sprung from the mind of H.P. Lovecraft. I seriously doubt that's his real name. Apparently He's a squid like creature with a mean outlook on life and his followers are pretty cult like. Sure he's not a REAL deity, but neither are all the others except one unless it's more of a club kind of thing. I've never read about Cthulhu, but It appears to be an inside joke that I should become more aware of.




Quetzalcoatl - Pre Columbian feathered snake God. Creator of all things on earth and in the air he was pretty cool. I don't know that there are any cultures that still worship him, but I'm sure he was worth a sacrifice or two. Seems like the legend of KETZ-ul-KWA-tul for those of you without a pronunciation guide talks of the serpent God transforming himself into a white man with a beard. Cortez heard of this legend and proclaimed himself the great snake God made man and ransacked the South American tribes. I hope Quetzalcoatl exists and is still kicking Cortez's butt in the afterlife. My first personal exposure to this God came about as an affirmation of my own religion's voracity. The claim that there was a God that bore the visage of a bearded white man on the American continent dovetailed nicely with my religions theology as I was growing up.

Odin - Father of Thor, God of thunder and son of Borr and Grandson of Buri. Odin is the recognized God of Norse paganism. My exposure to Odin and Norse mythology came in the form of comic books and Thor of the Avengers. I understand that Odin was and may still be very real to some people, but to have a God whose strong points appear to be spears and horses is pretty cool. Also a God of poetry, death and prophecy, Odin seems to be a guy you wouldn't want to cross. Odin is the first God I had heard of that had a wife. I know now that many Hindu Gods had wives and so did other faiths, but Odin was the first that I had heard of. If you are good, you can meet Odin in Valhalla. If you are a fan of Wagnerian opera, you can follow a Valkyrie there but you MUST promise not to sing 'kill da wabbit' as Odin tires of that one.



Zeus - Greek God of Gods. Father of Aries and a whole host of other Greek gods, Zeus is the King of Gods. According to his mythology, Zeus was the youngest of the children of Chronus and Rhea. Greek gods were the first exposure I had to polytheism as well as God stories that played out more like soap operas than divine tales of origin. Apparently Zeus was quite a playa. Of course anyone that carried a thunderbolt around and was willing to use it was probably going to catch the ladies eye. I guess it worked for Hera among others. My most full understanding of the Greek God system didn't come from school however, it came from a great movie by Ray Harryhausen called Clash of the Titans. Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the eye of the tiger where others of the same style. mmmmmmm stop motiony goodness.

Ogdoad - Egyptian spring of Gods. We are all exposed to Egyptian gods when we are in grade school. Any culture that creates giant stone cats with human faces and giant pyramids will have some pretty interesting cultural aspects. I wasn't actually exposed to this God-group but rather it's offspring. Ogdoad is the name of 4 pairs of male and female Gods that are said to be the wellspring of Egyptian deity. I only knew Egyptian mythology through Isis. Or more specifically the Shazam! Isis hour that was on TV just before I had to mow the lawn on Saturday back when all TV was free (and I had to mow lawns). This hot chick that was a librarian would utter the words 'Oh Mighty Isis' and immediately turn into Isis. She could fly and control the weather. Very, very nice. I didn't mind Shazam! either, but I definitely tuned in for Isis.






Allah - I will attempt to be very careful when describing Allah. I know that there are a great many people that follow the Islamic tradition and I really don't wish to offend, so I will treat Allah with the same care that I treat any of the current Gods. The interesting thing about Allah is that it is actually a generic term used for deity, much like our word God refers more to an office than to a person. I had heard of Allah when my parents came back from a trip to the Middle East and told me about how everyone talks about the will of Allah. I later found out that Allah's relationship to the God of Christianity is very much like two families fighting over the estate of a dead father. Both sides of a family will have many claims to an older passed patriarch and their stories will be many and very convincing. Both Deities have been used as an excuse for a lot of violence in the world as well as for the authorship of peace. I will stop there because it is very disrespectful to describe any of the characteristics of Allah so I will not. But I will say that he seems an awful lot like the God of David. Maybe they are brothers.

Jupiter - Roman God of Gods. Obviously my exposure to the Roman gods was through the names of the planets. Jupiter = Zeus, Mars = Aries, It was really handy. Of course at the time I had no idea that the planets got their names from Roman Gods, but when I found out I wondered why the Greeks were given the short shrift when it came to planet names. Greek Gods seemed to corner the market in every other venue, why not the naming of heavenly bodies? Who knows. He was known as Jupiter or Jove (as in By Jove he's got it!). Jupiter's kids Remus and Romulus were supposed to have created Rome which is a fair distinction to other Gods since they don't usually go around creating cities for us to live in. Since they never saw fit to make any others, maybe they decided that we didn't appreciate the one they made enough.






Baal - Bad Guy God of the Bible and actually named Hadad and was a God for the other Team when it came to the Hebrews. Baal was the God of the Carthage region and would easily have been the God of Hannibal who lumbered over to Rome with his elephants to cause a lot of trouble. Like God, Baal was more of a generic term for deity. Because I was raised in the Christian tradition I would of course become acquainted with Baal through stories in the Bible. Baal was the God that was proven wrong time and time again in the Old Testament. Baal in Christianity is seen often as a demon God and not as someone elses genuine belief. Baal is also derivative in the name Beelzebub which is also noted in the Bible to be the Devil himself. Well, you can't have the good without the bad, after all, who is Flash Gordon without Ming the Merciless?




This one appeared to be kind of weak, but at least it got here. It was particularly hard to put together because I really don't like to offend people and yet I felt compelled to write it. Another shout out to my regular readers that I forgot in the last post. Namely Sassy, my distant cousin Joseph, and Cami who is my only actual official follower. Thanks all and I'll see you in a fortnight.

Top 10 Biblical Stories of the Old Testament

Now before we get started, let me say that my wife would tell me 'you don't know crap about the bible, and you should write something about something you know about'. This of course would be the case if she read my blog, which she doesn't. Also, I tend to play fast and loose with some of the narrative, but the facts come close. I'm pretty irreverent here, so if you're thin skinned about your religious icons, you'd best stay away. Next week I'll have my top 10 favorite candies revisited.


I have in fact read the bible a couple of times. Not my favorite reading mind you, but I did it. It seems to me that there are several stories that really strike a chord not only as religious reference, but just as stories. To many people, the Bible is the word of God. The truth is, it's the word of God as written by men. And as we know only too well, some men write better stories than others. So this top ten stories list is based on the excitement and wow factor of the stories, and just if I like them.

10. Cain and Abel - The timeless tale of the first Murder Mystery in recorded history. What's not so clear are the motives. Back in the day, God required sacrifices from his faithful. Cain offered some of the produce of the land, and Able offered the firstling of his flock. God was however not a vegetarian and as such rejected Cains offering. Cain being the good far left environmentalist he was, killed Abel. Of course the problem with this mystery was you had Mom and Dad (Adam and Eve) and then your brother. Mom and Dad had an alibi what with the whole populating the earth etc they simply didn't have time to kill their firstborn son and that leaves the brother as the killer. Not a huge shock, but it was the first incidence of intrigue. God, not being a fan of the death penalty at the time, cursed Cain to wander all of his days. Some people believe until the end of days.

9. Rahab - Precious few women get billing in the Bible. I'm not certain why this is, but I have a theory. There are all kinds of figures in the Bible that give women ammunition in 'improving' their men. The Bible is silly with men better than you and me. If you start putting in the women that are better than you and me (men), well that list is longer than should be written. Rahab is one of the few women in the Bible after Eve and aside from her profession, she’s a pretty good gal. As such, she deserves reference. She was a prostitute in a city that the armies of Israel were taking over. The bad king told her to make sure and tell him when the armies came to her house for some pre battle comfort. God tells her that the invading armies are the Good guys and she should give them a pass. So instead of narking to the kin, she hid the men of the army on her roof and said 'Look, I'm showing you a good time by not getting you killed among other things, hows about you take it easy on me and my family' As a result of this, the armies take over, but spare her and her family. Lesson learned? In the Apocrypha ( a bunch of books that make the Bible look like a quick read) it seems to indicate that she was not a prostitute, but in fact an innkeeper…stupid translations messing with a girls reputation.

8. Noah - This is God's own wacky dude. It's one thing to say your city will be destroyed, it's something else to say that the EARTH is gonna be re-booted. Thanks to Joseph my distant cousin for some of his insights, Noah is his favorite biblical prophet. What's not to like? he warns the people by building a boat out in his front yard and starts collecting animals and then he convinces Congress to stop legislation...wait a minute that's a semi-funny movie...Oh yeah. So watch the movie, except where it's just a part of washington that gets flooded, it's the whole earth, and where everyone that's bad gets put in jail, they all just drown and God says "That will teach you all". After this God says "Ok, that's the last reset, from here on out, no more total destruction, I'll just let you guys destroy each other" Noah agrees and lets all the animals off the boat, except he puts all the wierd animals in Australia. One interesting note, After Noah, people start dying off around 100 years old or so. Before Noah, folks were living to be 500 or 600 years. One dude Methuselah lived to be around 998 years old, I hear he was still a playa at 700. Young at heart I always say.


7. Elijah - This is the first My God is better than your God story from a prophet that could have had his own show in Vegas. Elijah brings his buddies on the other side of the aisle together (round abouts 450 of them or so, the equivalent of the 700 club of the day) and says 'look, lets decide this once and for all since worshiping one of our Gods is a complete waste of time. I bet that your God (who is fake) can't shine a candle to my God (Who is real)'. So he puts up 2 altars, one to Baal and one to Jehova and says 'Whoever's God will light these altars without our help will be the winner'. the 450 priests of Baal get to it and are roundly mocked by Elijah. They did all their lame magic tricks and nothing, nada, bubkis. Elijah then says in true David Copperfield form 'Drench my altar with water, and check my sleeves (the part about the sleeves is still under some translational debate)' He then asks God to accept his offering and Boom! God consumes not only his alter, but the alter of the losers of Baal with white hot flames. The people seeing this decide immediately that Elijah's God is likely the guy they should be worshiping. Seeing that he's got public opinion on his side, Elijah figures that it's time to get rid of the priests of Baal thereby eliminating any competition from the priests that have no followers anymore anyway. Elijah's life ends with him being picked up in a chariot made of fire after splitting a body of water in half just so he could cross, leaving his padawan learner Elisha to become a master (Prophet)

6. Elisha - Most people didn't know this guy was actually a prophet. Story wise, he kind of had an inferiority complex trying to follow Elijah's act, which is why he is behind Elijah in the prophecy business, but ahead in rankings. It is because of Elisha that we have the phrase 'picks up the mantle' to indicate someone that has ascended to leadership. Elisha picks up the mantle of Elijah after Elijah's one of a kind spectacular departure and becomes the next prophet to lukewarm reviews. The most unique story from Elisha's life has to be when a bunch of kids were mocking him for being bald as well as being a prophet of a competing God (apparently they hadn't seen Elijah's floor show), he turned and cursed them at which point 2 bears came down and tore them all apart. Suffer the little children indeed.

5. Sampson -Wow,the first professional wrestler in the Bible has to get a nod on the list.

God was not particularly happy with the Israelites and so he brought in the Philistines to humble them a little. Sampson was the method through which God was going to re-liberate Israel. Sampson has super human strength from the day he was born and the only thing God required for this super strength was that he doesn't cut his hair...ever. This is not super human like 'wow is he strong', more like super human as in 'Holy Crap how many buses can this guy lift?!'. This guy had a serious temper problem. He falls in love with a Philistine woman and asks a goofy riddle that nobody could answer at the wedding. They get pissed and tell his wife to find out the answer or she'll get burned and her dad too. She tells them and Sampson gets PISSED. He kills 30 Philistines and comes back to find out his wife married another dude (the best man), so he ties torches to 300 foxes and lets them run through the fields and wherever else he wants to burn and then kills a bunch more Philistines. The Philistines don't take this lying down. Superman or no, they need to stop this guy so they send the army in after him. Sampson is still pissed, so he takes the Jawbone of Super-ass and Kills 1000 army dudes. At this point they decided that they need to find his kryptonite so they ask his new girlfriend Delilah. Delilah finally gets Sampson to tell her his real weakness and sure enough he gets his legendary hair cut. He looks like Fabio with a crew cut and he's nearly as weak. This is when he gets paid back for all his killing, they put his eyes out and tie him up in the dungeon. He prays and says he's sorry for cutting his hair and ends up killing a ton of Philistine leaders, and himself, by tearing down the temple they were all on or in. ARE YOU READY TO RUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!

4. JOB - This story/Prophet isn't nearly as interesting as the fact that God and Satan talk together like they are shooting the proverbial bull across the fence. Satan is wandering around the earth doing what he does, spoiling milk, making you trip over your dog when your arms are full of groceries, that sort of thing when God says "So what have you been up to?" Satan replies, "The usual, just wandering around causing trouble" God says, "well you haven't done a very good job with my pal JOB, he's totally cheering for the God team" Satan Says "Yeah, that Job's a tough nut to crack. He's rich and life's good for him and he claims its all because of you. Of course if we took away his money and his family, he'd hate your guts like everyone else" God says "No way, not my man JOB, tell you what, I'll let you do whatever you want AROUND him and I bet he still comes up smelling like a rose" Satan says "Deal" and gets bizay. So in a near comedy, 4 messengers show up nearly at the same time to tell him. Your flocks are gone, Your Herds are gone, Your land is gone, Your kids got killed in a freak roof falling in accident at one of their houses and they are all dead. JOB says 'Hey GOD's got my back, i'm not worried' GOD gets a good chuckle at Beelzebub's expense and then Satan says "Well, it's like they say, you're always rich if you have your health so that last bit didn't count" GOD replies "Whatever loser, you don't have crap on my man JOB, tell you what, you can do whatever you want to him, but you have to leave him alive" Satan says "Deal! he's my biotch now." and plants him with burning boils from head to foot and these things hurt like stuff you see on the learning channel. He's in such a bad way that he covers himself with ashes to help the pain and his wife says 'JOB you schmuck, why don't you just curse GOD and get it overwith? He obviously doesn't like you any more." but JOB says 'No way, I'm down with G.O.D." And God wins the bet again. But JOB's friends come over and say "DUDE, God seriously has some bad mojo out for you, why do you bother? this goes on for chapter after chapter" God finally steps in and tells JOB's friends 'Why are you guys so whack to me? JOB is a stand up dude and you're harshing his mellow. You go and offer up some sacrifices and tell JOB to pray and I'll fix everything. Then God gives back JOB's stuff and adds twice as much to it. Of course he didn't bring back the dead kids, but what are you gonna do.

The best thing about this story isn't that JOB is suffering, but that JOB is suffering because God and Satan decide to have a little bet about him, and the only loser really is JOB but he doesn't believe it so it's all good.

3. Adam and Eve - the OG mom and dad of the Bible. The kids that started everything. A and E get made, well specifically Adam gets made by blowing some dust around and Eve gets made by pulling a rib out of Adam and making her. The big question is, do they have belly buttons? I think so because chicks look totally hot with belly buttons. A&E start out in the Garden of Eden and they don't know squat. They are naked, but it doesn't mean anything because they are like little kids so they just wander around and smell flowers. God says "You kids stay in my garden and you gotta do one thing and not do another thing that I tell you.

First - Multiply and make LOTS of kids.

Second - See that tree over there with the tasty fruit? I was gonna call it a quince, but I think i'll call it the TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL. Don't eat it. I mean it, Don't eat it, because if you do you'll die. I'm serious. Don't do it.

Problem is, they are like kids so they don't know how to Get it ON yet. now if they ate some of that TOKOGE fruit they'd start getting some ideas, but they heard what dad said, NO TOUCHY. Well that's not gonna get us very far, so here comes Satan, but he shows up as a serpent (with legs). He goes to Adam and says 'Eat some of that TOKOGE fruit sucker, it'll really cheeze dad off if you do' Adam says 'No soap snake dude, I like it here in the garden, everything is already done for me and I can just chill' Satan figures this isn't going to go anywhere with this couch potato so he slithers over to Eve. "Hey sssssister, I hear that if you eat that fruit you'll be like super smart." Eve says "I'm bored, there's nothing to improve" Satan then figures it out and says " look, if you eat that fruit it will make you smart like dad smart, you want that don't you?" Eve says "Will it make me less bored?" Satan says "yeah, whatever, go ahead eat it" So she does and gets smart. Then the snake says "Check it, you gotta get slackass over there to eat it too because you are gonna be in TROUBLE with dad so if he's in trouble too, maybe it won't be so bad" Eve realizes that things are gonna get rough so she saunters over to Adam (She just learned to saunter) and she says "Hey stud, I'm just ACHING for you to eat some of that fruit" Adam says "You're wierd, why'd you do that? Dad's gonna be pissed" Then she says " he's gonna be pissed anyway because we didn't make any kids" then Adam says "Duh, because we don't know how, why would he be mad about that?" She says "If you eat the fruit, you'll know how and it will totally rock" Adam finally says "uhhh...ok" The second he takes a bite they both hear Barry White playing in the trees and things start percolating. God of course comes back. And says "WTF? I told you not to eat the fruit and you did, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Adam says "Ok, so you know that girl you put down here? She totally said that if I didn't do it you'd be pissed or something, it wasn't my idea, I just wanted to veg' Eve says "That is so like you Adam, put it all on me. besides, it wasn't my fault. I was watching the Snake and he said that it was a funky fresh fruit. I really couldn't think very well because I totally had the brain of a 5 year old so I said ok." God says "If you kids are old enough to be doing THAT in my garden, you can get your own apartment OUT THERE (pointing to a parking lot behind a burnt out WAL-Mart outside of the Garden) Oh, and before you go, It's a good thing that snake didn't tell you about this other tree that makes you immortal and totally spoils the other tree killing you, that would have totally sucked. In fact, I better put a guard around that tree". So he does that and kicks them out so Adam has to start working and Eve can complain how everything isn't as nice as it was in the Garden. Oh yeah, and God takes the Serpents legs off because that would make him totally cool looking. Sure there was a lot more to it, but this thing is getting windy as it is.

2. LOT - Wow, this dude is like JOB. He's got 3 letters in his name, his name means something other than his name, and he's like the only faithful guy in town. Lot kind of has a different story though. If it weren't for LOT we wouldn't have the word Sodomy. This is one of the big red flags of the Bible that says buggery isnt Kosher. Lot’s the only good guy in town (and his family). God says 'Lot, you gotta get out of Soddom because it's Vegas bad and I'm gonna wipe it out.' Lot says, "I really like this city and it will be tough to sell my house. If I can find a good man in it other than me will you spare it?" God says " I'm made of time buddy, but I'm not patient, find me one and I'll spare it, other wise, the wrecking crew comes in" Well, Lot can't find one good guy in the city and God says it's clobberin time but before he starts razing the joint to the ground he sends 2 angels to Lot to tell him to get out of Dodge. The other men in the city of Soddom see the Angels and say "Lot, bring that fine man meat out side so we can get to know them better." Lot says "My daughters are virgins how about them instead?" to which his daughters say "thanks a lot dad." But the mob of bi and homosexual men say 'No way, we don't want your daughters, we want those sweet angel guys you have in there' Well, that seals the deal for Soddom and Gomorrah. The angels tell Lot's family "Run up into the mountaints and don't look back because it's not gonna be pretty, that and God will turn you to a pillar of salt if you look because he's gonna get midevil on these cities" So in a dead run, Lot's wife says "That's gotta look really awe..." Then she gets turned into pillar of salt. So the rest of the fam escapes and lots daughters figure they are the only ones left on the planet. So they get their dad drunk enough so they can have kids. For virgins, these girls sure knew a lot. Bwahahaha! Sorry, I just had to. (Oh yeah, one of the kids was named MOAB, so next time you wanna see scenic Utah, remember Moab was named after the product of a drunken incestuous relationship. Hows that for interesting trivia?)


1. MOSES - The lawgiver etc etc. So great that they are still showing that movie every easter and the movie only has 1/3 of the miracle stuff in it. Moses is pretty well known and I don't want to take anything away from the movie. Not only did he get a bunch of ingrate Hebrews out of the hands of Pharaoh, but does miracle after miracle and the Hebrews say "What else you got?" Finally when the Israelites are thirsty, Moses smacks a rock and makes water come out and says "How much more do I have to do for you idiots before you will believe" After which God said "Ummm...Moses, not that you aren't doing a good job, but did you just say YOU did that? Sorry, nobody gets a free pass, just for that, you can't go into the promised land with the people you've been leading for me for the last 40 years. Sorry man, If I let you get away with it, soon I'll get no respect from anyone." Moses dies just short of the promised land and Israel gets their nation and causes trouble for the world ever since.








My take on the old testament. I hope I didn't offend anyone. noteable missing stories, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, Abraham, Ezekiel, Joshua (his army was the one invading Rahab's town) and several others. Yes they are interesting too, but I ran out of numbers.

Seeyas!