Top 10 comparisons between dieting and religion

So lately I've been on a diet.  I won't bore you with what kind of diet or whatever, just suffice it to say that I am on a regimen of eating that will severely limit my intake of calories.  While I've been denying myself the pleasures of carnal calories, I suddenly realized that there are a great many comparisons to be made between dieting and religion.

I will preface this list by mentioning once again that my goal is not to offend, but rather to entertain.  Most of my observations will come in contrast to the Judeo-Christian religion because that's the one I know the most about.  If you are somehow offended, then I invite you go to a blog that caters to thinner skins.

10.  The goals of Religion and Diets are the same to save you from yourself - In religion of course you are saving yourself from the natural version of you and with a Diet you are saving yourself from an early grave based on all of those dumplings you've been putting away.  They both promise to make you better people. 

 



9.  Religion consists of many different ways to interpret the will of God.  -  Diets come come with many different ways to reduce your weight.  Say you are an acolyte of Atkins or perhaps a pilgrim of pilates, maybe even a wayfarer of weightwatchers.  All of these ways to reduce the evil from you and leave only the good will still in the end involve trying to make you less of you.

8.  If you believe God is saying different things than I believe, you are at best misguided and at worst a Heritic.  A diet is no different - There are those that follow the new age Gods (HCG) and others that worship Baal (South Beach) and still others that worship the old Gods (Diet and exercise).  The truth is, when you start exchanging stories about your particular brand of reduction religion, those that are not in your camp are clearly mistaken and if you were not every bit a gentleman or lady, you would tell them so.

7.  You gotta have FAITH - Religion and Diets both ask much of you up front.  All of your devotions must be shown in earnest unceasingly before you will be rewarded with the fruits of your labors.  If you don't truly believe in the religion, then the religion can not save you.  If you don't believe in the diet, then you will cheat on the diet and the diet will not work.

6.  Any good religion needs confession, on a diet, you confess to yourself. - before you step on that baleful bathroom bookie known as the scale you remember all the things that you ate that you shouldn't have.  You make up excuses, you rationalize, you figure out ways that it was 'OK'  but In the END, those things will avail you nothing.  It seems that when you are on a diet, any slight variation from the path of truth and light will result in you gaining a couple of pounds back.  At least in religion, once you've confessed your sins, you are given your penance and you move on.  With dieting, there is more of a cause and effect to your transgressions.

5.  There are sheep and there are goats  -  You are on your way to church and you spot a bunch of kids playing basketball on the Sabbath.  Immediately you are given to a snap judgement vis-a-vis their eternal salvation.  One game of hoops on the 7th day of the week (or the first depending on your denomination) and your ticket has been punched.  In dieting, you see those people that are eating, in broad daylight mind you, and enjoying food that is in no way good for them.  How can they stand it?!  Don't they know what they are doing?  It's a shame they aren't good...like you

4.  Go and preach my word - This one is interesting because Religion espouses this and dieting is not really committed on it one way or the other, yet dieting proves to create a great many more evangelists than Religion.  Once a person starts eating right and getting thinner, they trade their desire for french fries for a desire to tell you ALL about their diet.  They will tell you what foods are 'fat burners' (oddley it's pretty much only celery, I was pulling for Philly Cheese-Steaks) and what exercises will maximize your metabolism and really kick your diet into High Gear.  You start talking like you are the editor of Prevention magazine.  Religion would like you to convert a heathen or two, but the truth is, you just don't really want to ask someone what their relationship with God is.  Instead you would much rather ask them what they ate for dessert last night (at least you can live vicariously through their sin)

3.  Kids are born into this world with no knowledge of religion or dieting - as a baby, you have no need of diets.  you need to just eat as much and as often as you can.  Your mom and dad may take you to church, but the truth is, you are either going to poop, eat or sleep while you are there.  

2.  Religion has it's Saints and Prophets, so does dieting - Every diet has a testimonial from a person that still owns their giant pants that they know can encompass their whole family and a couple of pets.  Many diets are originated by some sadistic doctor bent on the destruction of the enjoyment of life. They will espouse a strict adherence to a regimen of mealtime directives that will guarantee you are miserable while losing weight.   When you hear of the inspirational story of Miss Stacy Klumworth and how she lost over 86 lbs on the amazing grapefruit diet, you are amazed at her fortitude and how if you could only lose a small fraction of what she lost, then you would be able to recapture that lost bit of youth you've dropped along the way.  In religion it's a bit harder to get these statuses and usually require more than a overly large pair of novelty pants.

1.   In both cases, you don't want to go, but you feel like you should - Who want's to diet?  really?  I didn't think so.  Of course not.  Who wants to deprive themselves of what they want just so they can shed a few pounds.  Who wants to go to Church...really?  Oddly enough, it's usually the same people that want to diet.  And so in our never ending quest to improve ourselves, there we are.



Day late again, but I got it in.  Sure it's not my best, but what are ya gonna do?  See ya in a couple of weeks or so.  Oh yeah, and click on the add links a lot.  if you do it about 8 bazillion times. I'll get a dime or something.  I'm worth a dime right? right?!  hello?

Top 10 Gods

Most people form some kind of belief system about their surroundings. This of course is because we can't possibly know everything about those surroundings. We hunger for rhyme and reason in a seemingly random and chaotic world. Yes,we have science but for now I am going to ignore my atheist readers and assume that there is in fact at least 1 God. What you say? You believe in several? Why not. Well the truth is, the God you believe in is very likely the one that your parents brought you up with. Not too many of you will convert to other faiths, and some of you will lose your faith all together.

The funny thing about deity is there really can only be one RIGHT way that things are. I can't for the life of me figure out how everyone could be right. On the other hand it's pretty easy to come up with a model where everyone is wrong (there are you atheists happy now?). So I'm going to list my top 10 Gods. This is of course based on my personal experience and not their relative merits or powers. So the actual GOD may be a little miffed about my estimations. If God would like to correct me, then He/She/They is more than welcome. This will mark my first top 10 list that will not have numbers because I don't want to put anyone's false God up against any one else's true God.

Also, I will not be paying any deference to mono-theistic Gods over poly-thestic. The truth is, there are a lot more multiple God belief systems. Granted most of these were available in antiquity and currently have lost ground to the mono-theistic Gods.

Heavenly Father - AKA God the Father, The Great I am. This is the God of Christianity. There are a lot of names for him. No matter what your Judeo/Christian stripe, The Father is consistent and unchanging. Now there are the other 2 in what's known as the Godhead. Namely Jesus and the Holy Ghost. This triumvirate combine to make the all powerful purpose of Christianity. There is no Origin story for God the Father, but quite an interesting one about his son. Also, there is no real mention of who the Holy Ghost is, or what he does. As the more enigmatic of the three, the Holy Ghost is the part of the Godhead that remains somewhat aloof when it comes to mankind. We can feel his effects, but other than that there have been no real public appearances as opposed to the other 2 members, and no mention as to his ultimate whereabouts. Chronicled in oral as well as scriptural narritave this God has many different religions devoted to him among the worlds major ones Catholicism and Judaism. This was the God I was brought up with and by virtue of that the one I most identify with. I hope I don't get him mad with this discussion, but he seems to get mad a lot, so I won't blame him.



Brahma - Brahma is the creator of the Hindu belief. He is also many times mentioned as a part of a trio but for a different purpose. The other two are Vishnu the preserver and Shiva the Destroyer. The Hindu belief system is rife with interesting Gods and Goddesses as well as evil personages that approximate many of our own human frailties. At times the tables are turned on the forces of good and Vishnu will take on a human form to battle evil to restore Balance. Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva each have parts to play and are not without conflict among themselves. Brahma originally had 5 heads but at one point lost one of them because he lied to Vishnu causing Shiva to become angry. These 3 major gods represent the cycle of the earth as Brahma will create, Vishnu will preserve and Shiva will destroy. There are more interesting stories and traditions connected with Hinduism than I could count. I list this God because I had a friend that I worked with that was Hindu and told me many of them. I found them absolutely fascinating and would always bug him for another Hindu story.

Cthulhu - I mention this guy because he's not actually a God at all. But when I first saw his name, I thought he was associated with some cult religion and not just a made up deity in a fictional work. Cthulhu has a lot of different spellings and is sprung from the mind of H.P. Lovecraft. I seriously doubt that's his real name. Apparently He's a squid like creature with a mean outlook on life and his followers are pretty cult like. Sure he's not a REAL deity, but neither are all the others except one unless it's more of a club kind of thing. I've never read about Cthulhu, but It appears to be an inside joke that I should become more aware of.




Quetzalcoatl - Pre Columbian feathered snake God. Creator of all things on earth and in the air he was pretty cool. I don't know that there are any cultures that still worship him, but I'm sure he was worth a sacrifice or two. Seems like the legend of KETZ-ul-KWA-tul for those of you without a pronunciation guide talks of the serpent God transforming himself into a white man with a beard. Cortez heard of this legend and proclaimed himself the great snake God made man and ransacked the South American tribes. I hope Quetzalcoatl exists and is still kicking Cortez's butt in the afterlife. My first personal exposure to this God came about as an affirmation of my own religion's voracity. The claim that there was a God that bore the visage of a bearded white man on the American continent dovetailed nicely with my religions theology as I was growing up.

Odin - Father of Thor, God of thunder and son of Borr and Grandson of Buri. Odin is the recognized God of Norse paganism. My exposure to Odin and Norse mythology came in the form of comic books and Thor of the Avengers. I understand that Odin was and may still be very real to some people, but to have a God whose strong points appear to be spears and horses is pretty cool. Also a God of poetry, death and prophecy, Odin seems to be a guy you wouldn't want to cross. Odin is the first God I had heard of that had a wife. I know now that many Hindu Gods had wives and so did other faiths, but Odin was the first that I had heard of. If you are good, you can meet Odin in Valhalla. If you are a fan of Wagnerian opera, you can follow a Valkyrie there but you MUST promise not to sing 'kill da wabbit' as Odin tires of that one.



Zeus - Greek God of Gods. Father of Aries and a whole host of other Greek gods, Zeus is the King of Gods. According to his mythology, Zeus was the youngest of the children of Chronus and Rhea. Greek gods were the first exposure I had to polytheism as well as God stories that played out more like soap operas than divine tales of origin. Apparently Zeus was quite a playa. Of course anyone that carried a thunderbolt around and was willing to use it was probably going to catch the ladies eye. I guess it worked for Hera among others. My most full understanding of the Greek God system didn't come from school however, it came from a great movie by Ray Harryhausen called Clash of the Titans. Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and the eye of the tiger where others of the same style. mmmmmmm stop motiony goodness.

Ogdoad - Egyptian spring of Gods. We are all exposed to Egyptian gods when we are in grade school. Any culture that creates giant stone cats with human faces and giant pyramids will have some pretty interesting cultural aspects. I wasn't actually exposed to this God-group but rather it's offspring. Ogdoad is the name of 4 pairs of male and female Gods that are said to be the wellspring of Egyptian deity. I only knew Egyptian mythology through Isis. Or more specifically the Shazam! Isis hour that was on TV just before I had to mow the lawn on Saturday back when all TV was free (and I had to mow lawns). This hot chick that was a librarian would utter the words 'Oh Mighty Isis' and immediately turn into Isis. She could fly and control the weather. Very, very nice. I didn't mind Shazam! either, but I definitely tuned in for Isis.






Allah - I will attempt to be very careful when describing Allah. I know that there are a great many people that follow the Islamic tradition and I really don't wish to offend, so I will treat Allah with the same care that I treat any of the current Gods. The interesting thing about Allah is that it is actually a generic term used for deity, much like our word God refers more to an office than to a person. I had heard of Allah when my parents came back from a trip to the Middle East and told me about how everyone talks about the will of Allah. I later found out that Allah's relationship to the God of Christianity is very much like two families fighting over the estate of a dead father. Both sides of a family will have many claims to an older passed patriarch and their stories will be many and very convincing. Both Deities have been used as an excuse for a lot of violence in the world as well as for the authorship of peace. I will stop there because it is very disrespectful to describe any of the characteristics of Allah so I will not. But I will say that he seems an awful lot like the God of David. Maybe they are brothers.

Jupiter - Roman God of Gods. Obviously my exposure to the Roman gods was through the names of the planets. Jupiter = Zeus, Mars = Aries, It was really handy. Of course at the time I had no idea that the planets got their names from Roman Gods, but when I found out I wondered why the Greeks were given the short shrift when it came to planet names. Greek Gods seemed to corner the market in every other venue, why not the naming of heavenly bodies? Who knows. He was known as Jupiter or Jove (as in By Jove he's got it!). Jupiter's kids Remus and Romulus were supposed to have created Rome which is a fair distinction to other Gods since they don't usually go around creating cities for us to live in. Since they never saw fit to make any others, maybe they decided that we didn't appreciate the one they made enough.






Baal - Bad Guy God of the Bible and actually named Hadad and was a God for the other Team when it came to the Hebrews. Baal was the God of the Carthage region and would easily have been the God of Hannibal who lumbered over to Rome with his elephants to cause a lot of trouble. Like God, Baal was more of a generic term for deity. Because I was raised in the Christian tradition I would of course become acquainted with Baal through stories in the Bible. Baal was the God that was proven wrong time and time again in the Old Testament. Baal in Christianity is seen often as a demon God and not as someone elses genuine belief. Baal is also derivative in the name Beelzebub which is also noted in the Bible to be the Devil himself. Well, you can't have the good without the bad, after all, who is Flash Gordon without Ming the Merciless?




This one appeared to be kind of weak, but at least it got here. It was particularly hard to put together because I really don't like to offend people and yet I felt compelled to write it. Another shout out to my regular readers that I forgot in the last post. Namely Sassy, my distant cousin Joseph, and Cami who is my only actual official follower. Thanks all and I'll see you in a fortnight.

Top 10 Comparisons between Religion and Dentistry

Dentists. I could go on and on about this particular profession. It's truly amazing that Dentists are the only profession that I can think of that not only works on your mouth while you wait, but you are conscious while it all happens! Imagine if your auto-mechanic had to work on your car with you looking over his shoulder. Imagine then if you had to do your job with your customer/manager watching you do it all day. Most of us will have a meeting with our bosses once every quarter or once every month at the extreme. I'm given to understand that Dentists have the highest suicide rate amongst professionals. This isn't a big shock considering that the best compliment a Dentist can get is characterized by the phrase 'it didn't hurt a bit!' This is usually said with some shock and amazement. This means that ultimately, we pay and pay dearly for the Dentist to hurt us. Who wouldn't have a lot of job satisfaction from that?

Another subject I could go on and on about is Religion. Once again, I will go to pains to not offend anyone, but I make no guarantees. If I did offend you, then I'm sorry in advance, it really isn't my intention to disprove or ratify any specific religion over another. It's just something we do as people. Religion does have several elements that are common to nearly all flavors. We turn to religions as a voice of authority that is willing (in many cases downright eagerly) to tell us how we can improve ourselves and our lives. We tell religion that we want to be nagged about what we are doing wrong. yikes.

Since I like them both so much I will kill 2 birds with one stone and give the top 10 comparisons of religion to dentistry. I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it.

10. You can talk to God, but you can't talk to your dentist - Spirituality aside, when you talk to God, however you choose to do it, you will hear back nothing. This doesn't mean you won't manufacture some meaning out of your conversation, but by and large if you say hello God, you will not get a 'hi there' back from the big guy. He just doesn't do things that way. When you are sitting in the Dentists chair, these roles are reversed. Most Dentists will carry on a 1 sided conversation with you if for no other reason to distract themselves from the fact that you forgot to use mouthwash before you sat in the chair. They will ask you things and the best you can do is roll your eyes or possibly make a sound that would be indistinguishable from nature if heard in a forrest.

9. You can easily lie to Clergy, you can't lie to the Dentist - In many religions, the process of unburdening ones soul comes in the form of confession. When you go to your religious leader, you may confess your sin, but if it's not something you are proud of, you will skirt the truth of it, you will talk around it, you will justify yourself in your actions. Your minister knows that the process is there for you, the minister is just there to facilitate. So the minister will take your self absolving lies and let you go your merry way. Your dentist on the other hand will take your lies for what they are, lies. They will nod their heads in understanding when you say 'I think I floss most every night, and I brush two times a day'. But when they look at your cherry red gums and the decay that runs rampant through your teeth like Israelites through the Philistines, both you and the dentist know that your lie will avail you nothing.

8. Everyone in the church might know about your sins. NOBODY will know about your teeth - One of the problems with religion is that like minded people get together to form standards of behavior that define the group. If these behaviors are breeched, you are penalized for it in any of several ways. Even if your sins are held in confidence of your religious leader, often times they are let out unintentionally as grist for the rest of the congregations mill. Your dentist on the other hand, is bound by a higher power. HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) states that anything that has been done to your teeth is between your dentist, your hygienist and you. Nobody likes to run afoul of the Government on this issue, it can be extraordinarily costly. Ahhh now if there was a HIPAA for religion hmmmmm.





7. Both Dentistry and Religion benefit financially from your sins - Guilt is a surprising motivator. It compels us to do all kinds of things that normally we wouldn't consider. For instance in religion, the guilt attached to ones actions will often push that person to do something else that is good to offset the bad they have done. Hoping that the final judgment will look more like a credit card statement than a series of indictments. They hope that their once a year trip to the soup kitchen will offset the cheating on their taxes. If that person can't make it to charitable events to donate time, they will be more than glad enough to part with some cash for the betterment of God's kingdom if it will alleviate the pain of their sins. Look at the Mob. Dentistry is much easier on this front. Dentists are bound by a similar Hippocratic oath as Doctors and vow to 'do no harm' They want you to have healthy teeth. But healthy teeth, like Religion seem to go against human nature. And so the Dentist will fill their pockets with the fruits of your sins of omission.


6. In religion there is the promise of Heaven. In Dentistry there is only Hell - I know this sounds a little harsh, but it's unfortunately true. Nearly every religion has a promise of a better afterlife be it Valhalla, Heaven or a better reincarnated state (I'm just hoping for something above insect at this point). It is always a place where there is no pain, hunger or death and you will be able to do what you most like as long as you like it. The end of days for Dentistry will find you in dentures at worst, and the road to that end is paved with other painful reminders of your sloth. You must be faithful in vigilantly defending your teeth until you expire as the dental demons of carries and gum disease slowly eat away at your smile the moment you let your guard down.







5. Forgiveness of sins is relatively easy in Religion. In Dentistry there is only Justice. - Religion wouldn't be much good to anyone if they couldn't tell you how to live your life. The key is to make you feel sufficiently guilty about your natural behavior while simultaneously giving you hope for mercy from the effects of that behavior. It's a delicate balancing act. Too much guilt and you give up. Too much mercy and nobody takes you seriously. Dentistry on the other hand has no preconceived notions about your piety. The fruits of the sins of your youth will be visited upon you many fold. I quote from the book of First Kingsley:

'Yea verily though you walk uprightly in your old age you still suffer the fiery darts of decay. Woe unto you! Ye who would shirk the brushing of your teeth in your youth, for it is given unto you to prevent the cause of your misery'

If you aren't a good brusher and flosser when you are young, no amount of efforts in adulthood will abate the debt for these oversights. You can only hope to stop future suffering with current preparation.

4. Proper observance of Religion requires meetings once a week. In Dentistry the meetings are twice a year. - Sitting in the chair to have all of your sins revealed is uncomfortable at best. People have your mouth open large enough to provide stadium seating. They have devices that promote good gum and tooth health that are of course painful. They take dental X-rays, just to make sure you don't slip a cavity by unnoticed. Then they tell you you REALLY should be flossing every day, not just when you can't force air between your teeth anymore. Because most church meetings happen on a weekly basis, they tend to be much less severe. lower dose over a higher frequency.






3. In both Religion and Dentistry, you can see visions - Well, maybe not visions in a Moses I need you to save my people sort of way, but you will definitely enter an altered state of mind between the nitrous oxide and the Novocaine. Punctuate that by sudden flashes of pain and you've got some pretty intense stimulation. In Religion visions are really only the purview of the particularly pious. Most people will live their whole lives seeing nothing more exciting from above than a sky written message that says 'eat at joes'.











2. Religion has arcane secrets, so does Dentistry. - In religion there are certain rites and rituals that are only for the devout of the Religion. This is for several reasons. First, it is these high rites that pushes us further within religion. We try to better ourselves if for no other reason, to partake of this high ceremony. If you aren't a true believer, some of these rituals will seem downright goofy and religion really has no use for a skeptic. In Dentistry they already have you in the chair, you are there to witness the Dentists every move. The last thing the dentist needs is for you to become nervous in the chair. Many tools of the dentists trade are passed to and from the dentist under your view. If you were to see the rather impressive syringe that they are about to puncture your jaw with, you might get a little up tight. A good dentist employs many tactics with which to distract and mesmerize you. All to make that unpleasant situation just a bit more bearable.

1. Religion and Dentistry both want to make sure kids aren't afraid to come and neither are successful - Kids hate 2 things. Being bored and being in pain. If they were to look at Going to church v.s. Going to the Dentist they would likely ask 'how long is church?' This is especially funny since kids have NO concept of time at all. Usually the chance of pain far outweighs the surity of boredom. Religion has 'Church-lite' where the rules are relaxed for kids. They play games and sing songs and try to have as good a time as they can. They call it Sunday School. The dentists usually have the 'Treasure Chest' In a kids life, this is the ONLY method by which they can judge the professional nature of the dentist. If the dentist only has mood rings and some crappy tops, that isn't going to cut the mustard and certainly this tooth fairy smells of quackery. Everyone knows a large toy chest filled with fun is the only way to somewhat assuage the abject terror that same child felt just moments ago. This attribute is bragged about to friends at school. Nobody is bragging about what they got at church, unless of course they got out early.

There it is, my exhaustive and wordy treatise on Dentistry and Religion. Come again and tell a friend!

Dedicated to my own dentist. Truly worthy of praise in a thankless field.