10 Jokes you need to stop telling

Jokes.  Humorous stories that end with a punch line.  A punch line is the final phrase that makes the whole situation funny.  Without it, the joke is just a story that doesn't really end, it just sits there.  Another form of joke is known as the 'one liner'.  This is a single comment about a situation that is funny on it's own.  Usually just an observation about something, a well executed one liner is a question of being clever and having good timing.  Done properly, a one liner looks much easier than it is.  At your given office/workplace there is someone there that is the unofficial funny guy.  The one that everyone expects to hear something funny from.  If you don't know who that person is, either you are it or you don't get around much and you get a lot of work done.  In which case, good for you.  So this is a list of the types of jokes that really don't need to be told anymore.  They are so overplayed that they don't really get much more than a wry chuckle.

- not PC jokes - The politically Incorrect Joke.  When I was a kid, I remember hearing my first Pollock joke.  by Pollock I mean to say a stupid or oblivious person, not someone from Poland.  For a long time as a child I thought that was what the word meant.  It was synonymous with stupid.  That became politically incorrect and rightly so.  Then they replaced that joke with the 'blonde' joke which for some reason was even more oblivious and quite a bit more stupid.  Not quite as offensive as the Nationality Joke but still offensive if you were a blonde and not particularly bright.  Mostly because blondes had an anecdotal history of acting stupid to get what they want.  Now if you want to tell a joke about someone stupid you don't need to set it up with a label because we're pretty much all stupid.  The reason beyond the obvious that you need to stop telling these jokes is because they have been told for ages and are recycled through different stereotypes the jokes themselves haven't changed and are not that funny anyway.

- Job jokes -  These are jokes based on your job.  The classic would be the following:

Checker:  Did you find everything ok?

Painfully smart customer:  Why? were you hiding something?

This is of course not limited to checker jobs.
Call center service rep for Bank/Service/Anything:  Is there anything else we can do for you today?
Mensa customer:  Sure, could you add 100k to my account?
ha ha ha.

Cleverly calling accountants 'bean counters'  doesn't even register as a joke anymore.  Every profession has their distinctive elements and those elements are only too well known to the person working them.  Your observations about their job are not only not unique, but are at best slightly annoying.  

- Job jokes part 2 - These are different job jokes,  they are the ones where the manager wryly makes a joke about everyone having enough 'on their plate'.  Usually couched in irony a manager will say something like 'I'm sure nobody has anything to do before the weekend, so I wanted to give you this to chew on'.  This isn't even met with a laugh, it's his way of telling you that he hasn't been able to do his job and you are going to pay the price.  his job being managing the flow of work to the employees.  It's no joke.

- Twin jokes - These jokes are only available when you meet someone you find out is a twin.  You will be tempted to break out the 'evil' twin joke.  'Which one is the evil one?'  or 'Do you ever switch dates?' sure it seems a fertile ground for levity, it's more of a painful groundhog day where every time someone finds out you are a twin you become 1/2 a person and now must bear hearing about a show someone saw, or the little fact about child actors often being twins because they can't work as long as adult actors.  Just stop.

- tax jokes -  I have been just as guilty of these jokes every year as anyone.  I don't think people should stop telling them.  I think they should stop thinking they are jokes.  The observations that the Government spends money without thought or wisdom is all too real.  The reason we tell these jokes is because we feel we have nothing else we can do.  We are helpless and so we make a joke as a gesture of surrender.






- political jokes - Not the jokes told by us about the other party (in America anyway), these are specifically jokes by politicians.  They are usually told during campaigns, but can be told during press briefings and other events as well.  Here is the problem, do you want to elect a comedian?  Probably not.  Some people are naturally good joke tellers or even comedic observers.  If they are, that's fine.  If they are a stiff bought-out party shill, they are not going to be good at telling a joke, so there is really no point.  It hurts to listen to someone who doesn't have a good sense of timing tell a joke.

- school rivalries jokes - These are also political jokes, but these are told by people about the other party or school.  Here is a classic I'm sure you've heard over and over:
A student from University X walks into a bathroom at University Y.  After finishing he starts walking out and a student from University Y says 'At university Y we learn to wash our hands after using the bathroom'  Quickly the student from University X replies 'At University X we are taught to not pee on our hands'  Yay.  This is a twist on the stupid joke that applies politically to whomever the opposition is.  Just say no.

- puns - Not jokes, just a play on words.  The interesting part is in other languages, puns don't really work out very well.  People don't appreciate them.  In another language I purposely used to the word that indicates an animal eating to describe myself eating but trying to imply that I was so hungry I would eat like an animal.  I was told I was using the wrong word.  Some people go on pun riffs and thats fine, but I've found the conservation of energy around a pun does not allow it to ever be funny.  That is, the energy used to create or use a pun outweighs the laughter energy created by it.  I will say that puns incorporated with a picture furthering the joke does get a lot more mileage for the pun and may be a rebirth of the art form the visual part moves it up a notch.

- automated response jokes - Primarily set in the phone answering machine or call screening service, you are calling someone and a voice will ask you please state your name.  Smartly nearly everyone will say 'me'.  Ha, wow.  that's is not only funny, but will probably cause you to have to call again because the person on the other side won't respond to 'me'.  Still very funny.  I'm still laughing.  I remember the days before caller ID when you were anonymous until announced and people would say 'Guess who' .  That was usually a good way to get hung up on.



- Name jokes - The classic.  Lets take the case of Wright, my own name.  I know and have known EVERY joke that concerns that name since I was 8.   There is not a joke you could tell me about Wrong, Left, Mister, or Always that I haven't heard more times than should be socially acceptable.  Accentuated during my dating years every so often it still will trigger some 'clever' response to which I am obliged to laugh politely.  I then usually say something like 'I remember the first time I heard that one.  I think I was at recess at school'  I should stop saying that as well.

Honestly, there are plenty of ways to tell funny jokes without using these tired subjects.  If you can't find any; that might be a signal that you probably shouldn't tell jokes.  I for one will probably still use all of them because I need all of the humorous crutches I can find.  But the rest of you?  no.  don't do it.

10 meetings

Meetings.  some are necessary, many are not.  As long as there has been business, there have been meetings.  Getting together to...do business.  Here are a few meetings you are probably involved with.  It's ok.  There isn't anything you can do.

10 - Why am I even here? - The obvious meeting.  The one you were called to that doesn't appear to have anything to do with you.  Even better, you aren't sure who invited you.  Two ways to handle this meeting.  One:  Up front mention that you probably don't belong here.  This is no fun, but probably a more effective use of your time if not the companies.  Two:  Own it!  Flog that meeting with all of your uninformed insights.  Make them explain all the processes to you.  Get them to give you an 'Overview' of what's going on.  In short pretend to be management.

9 - This is an email - Often managers will call meetings that should be emails.  These are easily identified by the fact that your actual input is not only not encouraged, but completely unnecessary.
This meeting is for the manager to spout off the top of his head something he or she should have thoughtfully written down in an email.  The problem is of course that once you write something down, you can be held to it.  If you sing it in a meeting, you are able to spin and adjust what was said.  Business as usual.

8 - derailed meetings - The meeting started out with good intentions, but someone there is going to turn this meeting into a grindingly long bout of minutiae that will get nothing done for those that are unfortunate enough to remain conscious.  Meeting derailers are people that really think they should be in a higher managerial position than they currently are.  They will interrupt with the same feel of authority that the organizer of the meeting has.  They have important things to say...they think.  The only way to improve this meeting is to stop it.

7 - One on One - Meetings are like farts.  The fewer participants the better it is for everyone.  The one on one meeting can be the most important ones because there are only 2 communicators talking and listening.  The chances of misreading what was said or intended are pretty low.  Normally in a one on one situation one party will do most of the talking.  They will carry the burden of imparting understanding to the other party.  With any luck the same manager will have experience on both ends depending on the meeting.

6 - I'm lonely - A pathetic meeting where the manager is just bored.  A bored manager is very tempted to start improving things.  This can be very dangerous.  It's fine to improve things that have very clear and obvious short comings, but when you start improving things that are working, you may end up improving them right into uselessness.

5 - Useful meeting - I will admit there are useful meetings that exist.  The skillful manager calls them to get information quickly.  They usually consist of 2 - 5 people and are specific to a task or event.  The reason they are useful is because they are quick and to the point and disseminate information quickly.  They don't waste a lot of time with conjecture or finger pointing.  There is usually a plan of action that follows the useful meeting that is clear for each member.  They come in many varieties and you can recognize them after they have happened.  You feel like your time wasn't wasted AND you have a good idea of what you should be doing.  The difference between this meeting and a well worded email is that the manger is usually looking for a plan of action and that requires input.  No email.

4 - Stand up - This is the Jekyl and Hyde of meetings.  You never know if it is going to be a good meeting or if it will expand into a worthless waste of time.  A good stand up will include people standing up mentioning quickly their status on whatever project they are working on.  Nothing more or less.  The person running the meeting will inform everyone of anything that needs to be widely known.  The meeting is then done.  5-10 minutes is the most this meeting should be.  If this meeting goes out of control, it becomes a much longer 20 - 30 minutes, and it involves small details of other parts of a project that have nothing to do with you AND too many people, around 10-15.  You know when there are too many people when everyone else looks bored and disinterested because they don't want to know your status.

3 - I'm hungry - This is the meeting that is held during lunch.  a 'working lunch'.  These are brutal if they are an actual meeting held during lunch.  If they are just an excuse to give you lunch on the other hand, then they are ok.  Often the lunch meeting is a sales pitch by some vendor and they want to buy everyone lunch in exchange for your attention.  It's rarely worth it.  On the other hand, at least it's lunch, so it can't be too bad.

2 - Have you got 5 minutes? - The most insidious meeting there is.  5 minutes is about how long it takes to get nothing done.  The amount of times a 5 minute meeting was less than 10 minutes I could count on one hand of a Taiwanese factory worker.  Once in a while it is exactly just a point of information or something that needed some attention, but I have yet to hear the words 'hey have you got a minute?' from a manager and not cringe.

1 - Brainstorm - One of the few good meetings there is, if it's directed in a way that rewards creativity.  Very hard to pull off because one or two strong personalities will usually dominate the brainstorm.  If someone can moderate and draw out the opinions of everyone invited sometimes you can  bring out some great ideas and really get something to build direction from.  Otherwise you might be spitting in the wind.









There they are.  Meetings.  Nuff said.

Top 10 shows RUINED by the suits (management)

You could say that suits are the bad face of capitalism.  When I say suits, what I mean is poor management.  There is of course good management, but that is rare and not constant.  I've had a couple of career directions in my time and I've noticed a few things about management.  Elements of management can be taught, application of good managing principals must be practiced.  If you are not a good manager, you will probably be able to recite all the elements of management by rote, but will have a hard time showing your ability to apply them.  Poor managers believe that good management is all that's required to make a financial success and that everything can be improved.  Both of these ideas are completely false.  History is rife with things that have succeeded despite poor management and there are many things that have been improved beyond their optimum.

What does this have to do with Suits?  In the case of Suits, one would think that all they are focused on is money.  This is patently false.  Suits are only focused on themselves.  Their hubris is so great that they can not see that the decisions they make are obviously self serving and probably bad.  They are the clear cutters of the forest of creativity.  They try to shoehorn in processes that 'look good on paper' only to have them fail miserably and then accuse those under them of screwing it up.  Suits have ruined a lot of different things over time.  I will focus on TV/Movie entertainment.

10. Return to Gilligan's Island -  Ahh Gilligan, How I've missed you.  The show was so pure and innocent it was wonderful.  If you don't know the story, I won't waste my time explaining it to you.  I suggest you go to a proper fan website and see for yourself.  How did the suits ruin it?  This was in the golden era of TV and Movies before the Internet and before special effects.  The only way to make specials and have them be seen was to put them on network TV and usually sprinkle in some stars or athletes in for good measure.  How did the suits ruin it?  Well this is the first show I can remember that was Sequeled to DEATH.  Not an easy death, but a long drawn out hammy b-movie kind of death.  With a cracking 3 made for TV sequels not to mention a cartoon version called Gilligan's Planet (I'm sure you can guess the premise.  It got Lost in Space I'm afraid).  This was the first time I saw a show I loved get beaten to death as it was played over and over like a hit single until you can't stand the sound of it anymore.  Oh yeah, guess what, a feature movie is in the works...*sigh*

9. The Matrix Sequels-  The matrix was a groundbreaking movie on several fronts.  It propelled a couple of actors to super stardom that might otherwise have languished in obscurity (yes Keanu I'm talking about you.  I loved your role in Bill and Ted's, but were it not for the Matrix, you would have remained Ted Theodore Logan.)  The first matrix story was perfect right down to the end.  It was the only movie I've ever seen that started to spur Pseudo religions based on it's story.  The suits, smelling money and self aggrandizement managed to cobble together 2 more stories that made precious little sense but made several dollars because people were hoping to catch lightening in a bottle with a formula that couldn't be repeated.

8.  Highlander Movies - Duncan McCleod of the Clan McCleod.  This is one instance where a Movie was really not as good as the TV series it spawned.  But because the TV series was so popular the Suits decided that more movies would be good too.  They weren't.  The first movie was good, the sequel was confusing and by the end, they were just money grabs targeted at an all too eager fan base that wanted to see a GOOD Highlander movie again.  This one suffers from the writers constantly breaking the rules of the immortals.  They are very clear.  Immortals walk the earth with regular humans and the only way you can kill one is to cut off his/her head.  This leads to a lot of sword fights which are very cool.  Problem is, it also leaves you with one Immortal eventually.  Even the TV show was ruined by the main actor (Adrian Paul) starting to believe too much of his own press and thinking he can make it outside of a successful series.  He came back to reprise his role in one of the later crappy movies and the series has finally been buried.  There is a rumor of a reboot for this franchise, but I doubt it will materialize.

7. TMNT Movies - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  The fan base for this comic series is pretty deep because it's just kitchy enough to be cool.  Once those movies came out you could see the merchandising greed come to the fore.  It was shameless.  The first movie did ok, but the sequels...oh my.  Vanilla Ice?  Ice Ice baby?!? Are you kidding?!  It was clear that the initial cool of the concept had stayed with the first movie.

6.  Spiderman -  Uggh!  Poor Spiderman.  One of the best comic book adaptations to movie ever and for the time it and it's even better sequel would not be topped until the Dark Knight would come later.  Both films still stand as excellent examples of how to translate a comic book to a movie.  The third film on the other hand was better off left unmade.  The suits had a field day with this one.  When executives are telling you what to put into your film because it 'tests well' or 'provides a positive merchandise avenue'  It's because they don't care about the story, they only care about the money.  The 3rd movie took elements of some of spiderman's best stories and ground them into a mealy pulp.  It took the good side/dark side story from superman 3 (a film the suits touched, but didn't quite ruin) instead of bringing any number of good stories already pre written from comic books.  Bah!  Stupid suits.  And now they are re-making spiderman again.  This one smells of suits too, but I'm crossing my fingers.

5.  Dead Like Me - This quirky TV show makes my list thanks to Netflix (for showing it) and Showtime (for kiling it).  If you have a chance to see it, give it a shot.  The language is coarse at times and the subject matter is always death, but the suits at Showtime decided that instead of continue on with this series that was really good and quite unique, they would try something totally different because they wanted to be more like the Sopranos.  So drop a good show with a terrific ensemble cast and replace it with who knows what.  They then scraped together a sequel movie that not only broke the major rules of the TV series but did a milk-toast job of it.  The characters were written in such a cold fashion it was as though the only thought was to grab a couple more dollars and finish the series once and for all.  There were disagreements between the director and the production company.  When this happens, the creative one usually looses.  Perhaps he was difficult to deal with, or maybe the suits just didn't like him.  Problem was he made a great story and made it fun to watch.  Suits can't deal with ego that isn't their own.  Bottom line, watch both seasons of the show.  DO NOT under ANY circumstances watch the movie.  I don't care if it's on netflix. I don't care if someone has it on.  Just say NO.

4.  Heros - This show had SUCH promise.  It really did.  This was more about suits that didn't know how to deal with the writers strike.  That's a hard thing for a show to overcome.  Especially a show with a difficult plot line and a hard series of rules to expose.  It started out really good and then the show slowly lost more and more cohesion until they just decided to stop it all together.  I liked it a lot right to the end, but I think my views are not in the majority.  Bottom line.  Suits should have been better to the writers in the first place and maybe they would have avoided the problem that killed this cool show.

3.  Firefly -  Such a fine show beginning to end.  1 season.  Yes one.  Sometimes suits really lose touch with the public and can't see the appeal of a show that is so good that they just drop it into obscure time slots and let it die.  Only to be picked up by another studio and sat upon to make sure of it's demise.  Let's put it this way.  If it's not a cartoon, Fox probably didn't understand it.  The director has done some fine short work since this tragedy.  Give it a look. A little adult content, but no more than pg-13 I think.

2.  Superman Quest for Money - Christopher Reeves was an Iconic actor in this role.  He was so good that many say he couldn't get work anywhere else as a result.  But who would want to get away from being the man in blue?  Well after Superman IV Quest for peace, I'm sure Chris did.  I'm not sure who wrote the movie or if it was even written at all.  But That movie was definately someone pitching a wad of money at some actors in order to get the super fans of Supes to pony up money they could probably ill afford to part with.

1.  Star Wars -  The mark of a great movie franchise is how long it lives beyond it's actual expiration.  The concept was epic.  The Story was mythical.  It was so much bigger than it started out that nobody could have known.  The problem with Star Wars is that the creative genius turned into the suit.  In coolhand Luke, a famous line was uttered:  'A man's gotta know his limitations'  This couldn't have been more true for George Lucas that appeared to try very hard to kick over his own sand castle.  One of the big errors was Making Han Solo shoot second.  Lets face it, if Han really shot second, he would be dead and the story would be about how Greedo collected on a big bounty and the Empire succeeded for many millenia.  Tree-bound teddy bears (ewok's) and Jar Jar Binks began to pepper the bloodline of Starwars turning it into a bit more contrived than it should be and a bit more tragic than it had intended.  Had George gotten out of the way in the story line in order to let some talented people write some scenes that were willing to say 'George, You are great at snappy action, but you really suck at love stories' to his face, the movies could have been beyond incredible.

This list is FAR from comprehensive, and really just a few examples that I could come up with.  If the suits could just realize that many times good management comes from NOT doing something.  A lot of things would be a lot better.

Thanks for reading!  See you in a fortnight.

P.S. Special thanks to my wife Stephanie for correcting a few glaring errors in this blog that I really should have recognized.  teks.

Why managers are all asses

When I say that managers are all asses, what I really mean to say is that eventually they will all become asses. New, fresh faced, naive managers of course do not count. This is were I fit in for a while. I post this blog because of my opinions on a prior blog written by my friend and cousin Joseph Dewey (we are distantly related through my Grandmother also named Dewey).

This is the Blog: All managers are jerks <-- This isn't what it's really titled, but I've decided to keep my swearing down to a minimum and it's companion piece: All managers are jerks part II .

Here is the problem. Managers are jerks for the same reason that people talking on behalf of God are jerks. No matter how cool they are, eventually they are going to tell you to do something that you don't want to hear and tell you to do something that you don't want to do, and you will take it and do it, but you won't like it. That's when the manager turns from 'he's ok' to the butt of all authority based jokes.

I have been a manager for about 9 months. In this period of time I've decided that I've learned everything I need to know about managing people. Because of that I've decided that there is a definite reason that all managers are jerks or going to be jerks.

Time

Yep, that's the reason. Nothing more. In my stint as a failed manager, I will say that I went into the position with one extraordinarily misplaced assumption; If you treat people decently then they in turn will be decent to you This is a credo that I've tried to live by my entire life. Much of the time this requires TACT. Unfortunately as a manager I've come to realize that this is not at all true. Many people will in fact return your kindness with a knife in the back. More about that at a different time, or maybe never.

Tact is an interesting skill that I've developed over time. It's the conversational art of getting a difficult point across while simultaneously not making the target feel bad. If you are good at it, you never have to lie. If you are bad at it, you lie all the time. For example:

Aunt Edna has a hideous hat that makes her look like a totem pole. She has worn this hat to the symphony much to everyones amusement.
Bad tact: Edna that hat looks so good on you! It's wonderful!
Good Tact: Edna, you're choice in hats is second to none.

Bad tact was that it was a lie. You didn't believe it and neither did she. Good tact allowed her to think the best of what you were saying but leaving room for misunderstanding that you will leave at that.

The problem is that in either case you haven't solved the problem of Edna's hat. In management, it's different. You have to tell someone that they reek of body oder and that they need to shower on a DAILY basis. If you go the tactful route, it will take you about 1/2 hour to deliver this message, and they will feel bad, but they may not dislike you as a result. If you go the direct route "Hey Frank, listen, everyone has been complaining that you stink and you need to get bathed EVERY day". Frank's feelings will be hurt and he will think you are a jerk for saying it like that. HOWEVER you have saved 25 minutes and more importantly you got your point across in no uncertain terms.

Time is money, especially in management. So eventually, managers will tend towards the abrupt and rude methodology not because it's a power trip, but because it saves them precious time. The problem of course is that they can and often do go too far in the other direction and seem to take a sadistic pleasure in the bad news they are delivering to you. They don't have time for hurt feelings etc. If you want to work for someone nice, get a job from your mom.