10 New Years Resolutions for other people

Here we are again.  Another new year.  Honestly I don't feel any older.  The only thing that allows me to mark the passage of time is the movie sequels and prequels that keep coming out reminding me that I've seen something like them in the past.  It's at this time that we usually make unrealistic goals about how we would like to change ourselves.  It's a load of crap.  Nobody will change unless they really desire change and at that point they will do it without a lot of ceremony. You certainly don't need the passage of a planet around a star to start this, you can do it any time. This year I've decided that it's probably easier and at least as effective to make resolutions for other people.  So for all of you out there (you probably don't know who you are)...

- stop clogging up the lanes in the store - This year I would like to see only shoppers and their carts.  No kids, no spouses, just you, your cart, and the list of things to buy.  Now you might think I'm anti-kid.  I'm not.  I just think that humans in their larval state don't provide a lot of benefit to the shopping experience.  I of course exempt really small children (age 2 and younger), but yard monkeys that are old enough to go and grab things off the shelves and show them to mom only to be rebuffed, no.  Again, they really would be better left at home.  Too young you say?  That's a matter of time.  I daresay back in the 70's you could leave a 7 year old at home to tend the kids for 45 minutes and TV wasn't nearly as engaging then as it is now.  I think we have become all too protective of our children while at the same time we are completely solicitous and over indulgent of them.  The benefit of leaving your little garden gnomes at home is that you may be worried about what kind of damage they may be doing.  This is a good thing.  You will complete your shopping all the quicker and be done.  You will buy more of what you need and less of what you don't and you won't be distracted by trying to figure out what sample table you need to hit next.  If that is all just too much to bear, then wait until your significant other comes home.  They can watch the gremlins while you take a break and go shopping.

- Stop making movies I don't want to watch - Hollywood has become pretty derivative.  Everything seems to be a sequel or a reboot.  I've found that I won't go to the theater for a lot of movies that don't need the large format of the screen to be shown.  It's time to stop making movies that don't need big screens.  Let public television and Netflix own those.  It's ok.  We won't miss them that much.  Also if you could quit making movies that look good in the trailer but end up sucking in practice, I would appreciate that.  What?  My tastes aren't really everyone else's tastes?  I don't care,   These are my goals for everyone else.

- Stop saying stupid things - I realize that politicians will benefit from this goal more than most, but really nobody is exempt.  When it comes to phone calls, if I get one more heavily accented Microsoft help desk employee telling me they have detected a virus on my computer I will do what I always do, take as much of their time on the phone as possible while acting as dumb as possible.  I love hearing scammers frustrations.  When it comes to people in general, if they would honestly think about what they are saying before saying, texting, tweeting, posting etc.  I think I would be able to sleep better knowing that I won't have near as many reply posts to things I think are stupid only to erase them moment's later because I don't want to rise to the stupid bait.

- Get out of my way - I'm not really a big pushy person.  I don't like to bluster my way through life.  I rather get out of the way of people and remain largely unnoticed.  If you are walking in a public thoroughfare and have decided that you are in some kind of musical where you can saunter your way down the sidewalk not really aware of who you are blocking while you are ambling along, just keep to the right, that's all.  When it comes to driving, I change a bit.  I change in that I assume only the fastest people remain in the left lane and the slowest go in the right.  In practice, the fastest people are in the right and the slowest are in the middle lane with the medium speed people trundling along in the left hand lane where they don't belong.  Please, just get organized and get out of my way.  I'm not in a big hurry, but it doesn't mean I want to plod along watching you check your phone texts.  It scares me.

- Think more like me - If you wouldn't mind, I would like you to think more like I do.  It doesn't mean agree with EVERYTHING I agree with, just most things.  You can have your own favorite color if you like or flavor of Ice cream.  Of course both of those will be wrong, but I really can't do anything about that.  If you could at least anticipate what I would want and allow me to go in that direction that would be great.

- Quit making coupons -  Grocery product makers, please, just stop making coupons.  It's an exercise in futility.  You aren't selling any more because of it and it's costing you time and money in these dumb promotions that involve printing out or showing on your phone some buy 5 get 1 free coupon.  On top of that I have to stand in line behind these Coupon Cronies and watch them sift through their bits of expired paper arguing about their validity.  Just stop with the coupons.  Make your product cheaper and we will all be happy.

- Stop being concerned with my health - Don't tell me what ELSE I am eating that's bad for me, or for that matter what will probably kill me.  I currently don't know HOW I will die, I ONLY know that I will.  It will be the biggest surprise of my life and I hope to keep it that way.  People that pretend to know the percentages of what will kill/save my life don't know crap because there are no average people.  There are only individuals that make up an average.

- Get into shape - Not me.  You.  If everyone else gets in better shape, that will make my life full of people that are easier to look at.  Why not me?  Because it doesn't matter.  I rarely look at myself and I suspect nobody else is bothering to either.  I, on the other hand, look at everyone; Usually while waiting in line at the Grocery store watching someone count out their coupons.  If they were in shape at least, it would make me resent them for something other than being cheap.

- More infomercials please -  One of the few joys in life are good infomercials.  Still in the 1 minute format, I LOVE seeing infomercial fails.  Often called 'Thanks Obama's ' Commercial fail moments are the problems you have without using this new unlikely product.  I love these commercials when stacked up against financial advice, drug warning, and car/truck come on's, those are boring.  Infomercials are about a fantastic reality that could be.  All for only 3 easy payments of 24.95 plus shipping and handling and if you act now, we'll include one more for only extra shipping and handling.

- Quit driving like an idiot - I mentioned earlier to get out of my way.  That's fine and well for me, but really you need to stop driving dumb.  This includes merging in at the last minute, following someone in their blind spot, starting on a turn and then suddenly stopping, thinking your bike is a car, using your cellphone, testing your 4 wheel drive against the laws of winter physics.






Well I'm sure your new years goals will probably fall into these categories so I thank you in advance.  I'm sure you will go a long way to helping my new year be a great one.  Thanks for reading.

Christmas LIES (warning Santa spoilers)

Good old Santa.  That pudgy purveyor of unrealistic expectations and capitalism.  A near perfect metaphor for strong central government.  Big red makes promises to the children that we as adults have to come through with.  Then that bum gets the credit (works hard one day a year...sheesh).  Pretty big scam.  We are constantly telling our kids about the value of truth etc, but we start them off with this big whopper.  Like so many lies, there are several facets to them.  Like...

- Jesus' Birthday - The only reason I bring this up at all is the really funny nativity scene where Santa is kneeling and praying at the manger of new baby Jesus.  Yikes.  Well, by any and all counts, we find that Jesus was likely born around the spring time, pretty close to Easter.  Seems like we already have a holiday there and the Pagans were feeling left out with the winter solstice so we have a new birthday there to celebrate. (don't even get me STARTED about the Easter bunny).

- News reports - Lets start with the news.  We all know that journalism has been on a death spiral since the internet, but this problem has been around since there was televised news it seems.  Reports of Santa's whereabouts coming in every 1/2 hour or so are fake, every bit of it.  Everyone knows that the real Santa isn't going to be seen doing his job.  In fact the REAL Santa has some kind of crazy stealth technology or something since there has never been a sighting of any non criminal bearded men standing on any roofs that weren't later apprehended by authorities.

- Santa's Helpers - What a crock.  Santa's imposters is more like it.  There you are at the shopping center looking for Christmas goodies and there he is 'Santa'.  Some are drunker than others, but they are all fakes.  When I was a young believer, I was told that those are Santa's helpers because he didn't have time to be everywhere taking down Christmas wishes, he had to keep an eye on those good for nothing elves so everyone will get their presents.


- Elves - We've all seen elves.  They are blonde, nearly immortal and impervious to temperature changes if Peter Jackson and J.R.R. Tolkien have anything to say about it.  Well it seems these are not the elves we are looking for.  The elves we are talking about here are the tiny elves probably with green hats that make them look like miniature Robin Hoods sans bow.  Because it's WAY out of the realm of possibility to think that Santa, who can zip around the world in 24 hours, can make all of his own toys.  Nope, he has a factory full of indentured servants that are not only expert wood workers, but are masters of knocking off nearly anything that can currently be manufactured in China except for EVEN cheaper.  After all, Santa's givin the stuff away!  Nope, no elves, no factory.  They've been all over the north pole.  no evidence of these little green trouble makers.  Speaking of trouble makers...

- Elf on the shelf -  Whoever came up with this bit of keen suffering should be shot.  What kind of world do we live in where we tell children that clearly inanimate objects suddenly will come to life?  I'll tell you what kind of world.  One where there is NO expectation of privacy!  All this stinking elf is, is a surrogate for the NSA.  Always watching me.  Always reporting on me.  BAH!





- Santa tracker app - Oh great, so the news isn't enough.  We have all kinds of media telling us all kinds of things.  Google Santa Tracker and Santa tracker apps for our phones?!?  Geeze.  Why do we need this technological reinforcement?!?  The rest of it should be plenty.  On the other hand if you don't have him in your technology, kids might get wise and we wouldn't want that.   It's probably tracking your movements anyway.  Just an electronic Elf in your pants.

- Other Santas helpers - You know these more than willing helpers.  Your local independent retailer.  They are the most vested in continuing this farce.  After all, If we didn't have a holiday and a Jolly old man relying on your continued overspending to keep it going how would these partners in advertising crime get into the black every year??? We all know that no parents would ever get their kids anything ever if it weren't for Santa.  Parent's don't even like their kids much.  Oh wait, that's probably a big fat lie too.

- Livestock - Reindeer are really the most used, but they become integral.  It's just not good enough that Santa gets 'round the world in 24 hours.  We have to have an explanation.  You know, something plausible like flying Reindeer.  Then THOSE weren't good enough.  We had to get one with a glowing nose that helped the other flying reindeer see through the bad winter storm (you're telling me it isn't snowing somewhere on the earth every year round December 25?).  For a while stores would get a reindeer to stand there with Santa so that you could get your picture taken with Dasher.  That ends up being more trouble than it's worth so they will just take Santa showing up in his 1975 VW Dasher.

- Santa's List - So it's not enough that we have this intruder wandering around our house while we are knocked out, eating our cookies, and scaring our pets.  He's got a list.  A BIG list.  You see, Santa doesn't like all the kids.  Only the good ones.  So Santa's list seems like an innocent enough lie but think about it.  Santa is deciding if you are good or bad enough to get his magic presents.  How is he doing it?  Well he's using his willing stool pigeons the parents or that stinking snitch elf.  So now not only do you have to buy presents and give the credit to the corpulent crimson curmudgeon, but if the kids don't get what they want, Santa heard they were bad and if they put 2 and 2 together, they know Mom and dad turned North Pole's evidence.

- Santa of course - Well the bottom line is this dude and the tales told about him all over the Western world.  Cultures love their mythological icons, but wow, this Santa guy has been all over the place.  Father Christmas, Sint Nicklaas, Kris Kringle he goes by many names, but the one we know in America is the one our Coca Cola bottler gave us.  Of course Santa would drink Coke in America It makes perfect sense.  Ever since, we have counted on that image and that myth to get us through the winter months.  Usually around age 7 or so, we figure out that he's cut from whole cloth, but you are entreated to keep that secret from your younger siblings being the first time you are included as a part of the conspiracy.  I personally never remember thinking that the presents in the morning were from anyone but mom and dad anyway.  But then you enjoy the tradition so much that you take it as your own with your own kids.  Or at least some part of it.

Do I think you should all stop telling these Holiday lies?  No, they make the season fun and honestly, isn't winter hard enough to get through?  Just another subject that tickled my brain is all.  Happy Holidays Merry Christmas Brilliant Hanukkah Festive Kwanza and any other holiday greeting I didn't include.