Christmas LIES (warning Santa spoilers)

Good old Santa.  That pudgy purveyor of unrealistic expectations and capitalism.  A near perfect metaphor for strong central government.  Big red makes promises to the children that we as adults have to come through with.  Then that bum gets the credit (works hard one day a year...sheesh).  Pretty big scam.  We are constantly telling our kids about the value of truth etc, but we start them off with this big whopper.  Like so many lies, there are several facets to them.  Like...

- Jesus' Birthday - The only reason I bring this up at all is the really funny nativity scene where Santa is kneeling and praying at the manger of new baby Jesus.  Yikes.  Well, by any and all counts, we find that Jesus was likely born around the spring time, pretty close to Easter.  Seems like we already have a holiday there and the Pagans were feeling left out with the winter solstice so we have a new birthday there to celebrate. (don't even get me STARTED about the Easter bunny).

- News reports - Lets start with the news.  We all know that journalism has been on a death spiral since the internet, but this problem has been around since there was televised news it seems.  Reports of Santa's whereabouts coming in every 1/2 hour or so are fake, every bit of it.  Everyone knows that the real Santa isn't going to be seen doing his job.  In fact the REAL Santa has some kind of crazy stealth technology or something since there has never been a sighting of any non criminal bearded men standing on any roofs that weren't later apprehended by authorities.

- Santa's Helpers - What a crock.  Santa's imposters is more like it.  There you are at the shopping center looking for Christmas goodies and there he is 'Santa'.  Some are drunker than others, but they are all fakes.  When I was a young believer, I was told that those are Santa's helpers because he didn't have time to be everywhere taking down Christmas wishes, he had to keep an eye on those good for nothing elves so everyone will get their presents.


- Elves - We've all seen elves.  They are blonde, nearly immortal and impervious to temperature changes if Peter Jackson and J.R.R. Tolkien have anything to say about it.  Well it seems these are not the elves we are looking for.  The elves we are talking about here are the tiny elves probably with green hats that make them look like miniature Robin Hoods sans bow.  Because it's WAY out of the realm of possibility to think that Santa, who can zip around the world in 24 hours, can make all of his own toys.  Nope, he has a factory full of indentured servants that are not only expert wood workers, but are masters of knocking off nearly anything that can currently be manufactured in China except for EVEN cheaper.  After all, Santa's givin the stuff away!  Nope, no elves, no factory.  They've been all over the north pole.  no evidence of these little green trouble makers.  Speaking of trouble makers...

- Elf on the shelf -  Whoever came up with this bit of keen suffering should be shot.  What kind of world do we live in where we tell children that clearly inanimate objects suddenly will come to life?  I'll tell you what kind of world.  One where there is NO expectation of privacy!  All this stinking elf is, is a surrogate for the NSA.  Always watching me.  Always reporting on me.  BAH!





- Santa tracker app - Oh great, so the news isn't enough.  We have all kinds of media telling us all kinds of things.  Google Santa Tracker and Santa tracker apps for our phones?!?  Geeze.  Why do we need this technological reinforcement?!?  The rest of it should be plenty.  On the other hand if you don't have him in your technology, kids might get wise and we wouldn't want that.   It's probably tracking your movements anyway.  Just an electronic Elf in your pants.

- Other Santas helpers - You know these more than willing helpers.  Your local independent retailer.  They are the most vested in continuing this farce.  After all, If we didn't have a holiday and a Jolly old man relying on your continued overspending to keep it going how would these partners in advertising crime get into the black every year??? We all know that no parents would ever get their kids anything ever if it weren't for Santa.  Parent's don't even like their kids much.  Oh wait, that's probably a big fat lie too.

- Livestock - Reindeer are really the most used, but they become integral.  It's just not good enough that Santa gets 'round the world in 24 hours.  We have to have an explanation.  You know, something plausible like flying Reindeer.  Then THOSE weren't good enough.  We had to get one with a glowing nose that helped the other flying reindeer see through the bad winter storm (you're telling me it isn't snowing somewhere on the earth every year round December 25?).  For a while stores would get a reindeer to stand there with Santa so that you could get your picture taken with Dasher.  That ends up being more trouble than it's worth so they will just take Santa showing up in his 1975 VW Dasher.

- Santa's List - So it's not enough that we have this intruder wandering around our house while we are knocked out, eating our cookies, and scaring our pets.  He's got a list.  A BIG list.  You see, Santa doesn't like all the kids.  Only the good ones.  So Santa's list seems like an innocent enough lie but think about it.  Santa is deciding if you are good or bad enough to get his magic presents.  How is he doing it?  Well he's using his willing stool pigeons the parents or that stinking snitch elf.  So now not only do you have to buy presents and give the credit to the corpulent crimson curmudgeon, but if the kids don't get what they want, Santa heard they were bad and if they put 2 and 2 together, they know Mom and dad turned North Pole's evidence.

- Santa of course - Well the bottom line is this dude and the tales told about him all over the Western world.  Cultures love their mythological icons, but wow, this Santa guy has been all over the place.  Father Christmas, Sint Nicklaas, Kris Kringle he goes by many names, but the one we know in America is the one our Coca Cola bottler gave us.  Of course Santa would drink Coke in America It makes perfect sense.  Ever since, we have counted on that image and that myth to get us through the winter months.  Usually around age 7 or so, we figure out that he's cut from whole cloth, but you are entreated to keep that secret from your younger siblings being the first time you are included as a part of the conspiracy.  I personally never remember thinking that the presents in the morning were from anyone but mom and dad anyway.  But then you enjoy the tradition so much that you take it as your own with your own kids.  Or at least some part of it.

Do I think you should all stop telling these Holiday lies?  No, they make the season fun and honestly, isn't winter hard enough to get through?  Just another subject that tickled my brain is all.  Happy Holidays Merry Christmas Brilliant Hanukkah Festive Kwanza and any other holiday greeting I didn't include.  

Top 10 Presents

Tis the season, blah blah blah blah blah. Yes, it's time once again that we pay some small amount of lip-service to the son of God and then go and buy more than we should. Christmas is to financial responsibility what the midnight dessert buffet on a cruise ship is to Weight Watchers. We've learned from the time we are young that we are celebrating the Birth of Christ and that we give presents to signify the present that he gave us in the sacrifice of his life. In fact there are numerous poems and pithy little anecdotes describing how our traditions of Christmas came about. Yes, I know, we actually co-opted it from the Pagans, but it's ours now and we probably aren't giving it back. We try very hard to subjugate the material aspect of Christmas to the spiritual, but to no avail. What is the season all about? Just ask any 6 year old. They never lie. It's about presents. Specifically from Santa. Santa plain rocks, he knows what you want before you do and he will give you more than you thought you wanted. Mom and Dad give you socks and shirts, Santa gives you BB Guns. Unfortunately, once you get the hang of this concept, it's gone. Santa's power fades in the face of brats with high expectations. What you are left with is some kind of SUPER allowance that does not come as a gift but rather an obligation. *sigh* How I long for the days when I was young and so excited about the potential of presents that I couldn't sleep. It was MAGIC.

While this blog is about my thoughts on seemingly random subjects, it tends to not be much about me. This is because I lead a fairly boring life. I don't mind it at all, but it is what it is. This episode I will lend a little more insight into me as I will be listing the top 10 Presents I got. Not just from Christmas, but from anything. Some of you got the same things, while most of you got the same feeling. And they weren't necessarily the best presents I got, but rather the most memorable presents I got. I dedicate this list to the memory of my Dad. A guy that LOVED to be Santa.

10. Rooster Watch - Back in the day. It was a BIG deal when you got your first timepiece. So big in fact that it kind of marked the first time your parents took you seriously or thought you capable of doing enough with your life that you would need to be ON TIME for something...anything. I got a rooster watch. It's head would bob up and down to the seconds and other than that it was a regular watch that you wound up and had to tell time with the hands (a very important skill to this day). I couldn't stop watching it. I would tell people what time it was to the second. It was amazing. all you had to do was wind it. Keep it wound up and you would be a paragon of responsibility, a beacon of trust. I'm not entirely certain what happend to that watch, but I think it ended up succumbing to the slings and arrows of careless youth. I do remember walking around one day hiding my wrist from view because I had lost it. A sad day indeed.





9. Magic Shot shooting gallery - This was actually not my present, it was my brothers. The Christmas we got that we also got several other things that made it one of the most special holidays I could ever remember. First, my Dad was home for the whole winter break so that was cool. Second, I think he had just gotten some kind of bonus or something at work because it just seemed like we got a LOT of stuff. Not that it's important, but it IS memorable. Anyhow, I remember seeing this toy on TV and really wanting it badly. It was a self contained shooting gallery that had 24 steel balls that were held in a box behind a thick plastic cover. You pushed the magnetic gun against the cover to pick up a ball and the pulled the trigger to thump the ball into flight against the target on the other side of the box. You couldn't lose the bullets, the targets remained out of harms way yet you still got to feel like you were shooting stuff. This present made me the 2nd most jealous of my young greedy life. Fortunately, my brother was a good sport and let me play with it. But we both knew it was his.

8. Shogun Warrior - This was a large action figure that was a big companion figure to go along with Godzilla. I never had Godzilla, never wanted him. I wanted a Shogun warrior. That Christmas ended up being a particularly lean one for my family as I recall. I remember getting a lot of clothes. The dead give-away of a 'hard candy Christmas'. But my dad actually got me this cool toy. it fired bird shaped rockets out of it's chest and had a fist that launched in case you needed to punch Godzilla back into the Triassic period. I was 13 years old at the time and deemed a bit old for this kind of toy, but I wanted it anyway. Truth is, I still love toys, I don't even care about big toys either. If I had a little less self control, I would probably have several thousand dollars worth of goofy toys. As it is I have way too many.





7. The Kaypro 286i - This was an incredible present that would likely launch my career in the IT field. This baby had some software and some big floppy drives as well as a color monitor (CGA graphics baby. it was SWEET!). The keyboard was heavy and sturdy. I had that keyboard for many years after I had left the box for better models. I played immersive games like fun house and zork as well as rogue and hack. I still play hack. It's one of the funnest games you can play on a computer. Once you get past the learning curve, you have a hard time letting go of the game. This computer would follow me to college and just a little beyond. It was that model of computer that allowed me to hack into a particular colleges mainframe. Of course I wouldn't change my grades...I probalby should have. Would you like to play a game?




6. My Dirt Bike - I've had several bikes in my life, but I got a dirt bike for Christmas once, this was at the same time that builders were making houses down by the school. Those dirt mounds stayed there for all the winter and a good part of the spring. I would ride my dirt bike in the dirt on those mounds like I was Evil Kinevil. Of course I didn't really jump much, but I loved going up and down those mounds. I loved it so much that I broke the fork on my best bike leaving me bikeless. After that I got a much less memorable regular 10-speed bike with the ram's horn handlebars. You couldn't really go over dirt mounds in that. I figured that out.



5. The Atari 2600 - This was the first video game to really break out. The year was 1977. I had seen the Atari 2600 game system at Sears. You could play it in the store. It was simply amazing. Game cartridges were all you needed. There were all kinds of games for it and each one came in color! It had a joystick with one big red button and also some paddle controllers if you got the breakout or pong game. That was easily the most used present I had ever gotten. We wore several of those controllers to the point that we were taking them apart in order to frankenstein a working controller out of spare parts. The most memorable part of this present was the fact that I was certain that my parents weren't getting it for me. Absolutely sure. I was hinting in as subtile a fashion as any 12 year old could. When the actual Holiday had arrived, I knew that I was not going to get it. It was too late. Mom and Dad didn't get it. I had searched out their hiding places and they had nothing there of consequence. In years past when my dad was unable to find what we wanted on Christmas eve (his favorite day for shopping for Christmas) he would write a letter to us from Santa and about how some lazy elves couldn't get this last present out the door etc. I was expecting that and was shocked that my parents had in fact outwitted me. How could they have purchased and hidden it in a place I couldn't find?! It was a Christmas Miracle.

4. My Sterio Boom Box - This gift wasn't nearly as memorable as it was absolutely useful. For Graduation I got a JVC portable sterio system with detachable speakers a 5 band equalizer, a tape deck and am/fm/ShortWave. I still have that box and use it today for my computer speakers. It is amazing. I've lost the tape deck and I doubt it will ever be truely protable again, unless that portability takes it to the dump. But that probably won't be for another 10 years. Congratulations JVC on making a product so sturdy that I was probably kept from putting money into the sterio component industry for at least 40 years of my life. The year after I got it, my dad accidentally stepped on it and broke one of the casette buttons rendering it unable to dub. He claimed it was my fault for leaving it on the floor, where it had been for nearly a year. I'm sure it was.

3. My Car Mat - Ok this present wasn't actually mine either, it was for both me and my brother, but as I recall, it was given to my brother to share with me on his birthday. I could be wrong about that memory. It could have been just for him, but I liked it so much that I played with it all the time. I just know that when we got it it was so absolutely cool that I can still remember the elements. This was well before they had cool play mats that they sold you for 30 bucks. This was one that was painstakingly made by my mom and included places of interest in our lives. She had cut and sewn the mat itself, which easily filled a small room, and hand drawn all of the roads and landmarks. It was a masterpiece. There was our elementary school, many roads and parking spaces, and the airport. We took our dad to the airport often because his work would take him all over the country. the other was home and several points of interest along the way. We would drive our hot wheels and fisher price cars all over this mat. You could use the mat for all kinds of things other than it's intended purpose too. You could roll yourself or your little brother up in it.

2. Digital Watch - Ok, I have already mentioned a watch before, but this one was special. it was DIGITAL. That's right no more divining the earths relative position to the sun for me, I had a device that would tell me right off. It was gold with a dark red face. You pushed a button and the numbers showed you what time it was in bright red. I remember wearing that watch to bed and turning it on to see the glow under the covers. If you hit the button again, you could see the seconds. THE SECONDS!!! This stunning marvel was the accessory that made the man. I knew that females from any kind of distance would close in on me just to get a look at the red glowing glory that was wrapped around my wrist. I had hoped that perhaps a secret combination of buttons would allow this timepiece to emmit a sudden powerful laser beam James Bond Style. I couldn't derive the combiniation, but no matter. It was the apex of technology and style. This present was the first experience I had with the ever moving target of technology. A scant 6 months later my best friend would get a digital watch that not only had the seconds, but also had the date. This of course put my watch to shame. This I'm quite embarrased to say was the MOST jealous I had been of any present others had gotten. Not because he got a better watch than I did, but because now what I had wasn't a big deal at all. Yes, very embarrased indeed.

1. Magnavox Oddessy - This was the first video game I had ever seen. We were at the Zenith store and i saw it on a demo tv. Back then TV's had glass tubes and usually were housed in consoles with fine wood cabinets. I used to love to look at the tube testing machine that was at the drug store and wondered what you did with it. My dad was fairly handy, but he didn't dare touch the tv. We had a repair man come over for that. So anyway, up till this point, there was no point to a TV other than watching a black and white indian head (native American) grace the screen or to watch football and gunsmoke. There was no other point to this box. Enter the Magnavox Oddessy. This was the FIRST video game system ever and every game looked like PONG. This game system didn't have graphics per se, but rather it had overlays that clung to the screen with static electricity. I could write a top 10 list just on the games for that system. It was amazing. We played it as a family for so long that I missed the David Copperfield magic special that I was very looking forward to seeing. Apparently he made something disappear.

Happy Holidays everyone! No matter what you celebrate. Thanks so much for reading and your comments.

Top 10 Disappointing Realizations

You get born and you figure your life will follow pretty much a set path and everything is gonna be the way you see it. You actually really feel this way at about 12 and you are constantly surprised at the things that surprise you. So here we go.

10. The Circle of Life - This is a hard realization because you never know when you are going to have to make it. The problem is puppies and kitties are cute and lovable, you get them for your kids and before they are even out of the house Rex or Mittens is pushing up daisies. Now you have to tell them a story cut from whole cloth because you don't know whether or not you really know what you are talking about, but you really hope that you are convincing enough that your child doesn't feel THAT bad. Of course, the alternative is that you tell them that everyone dies sooner or later that that's the way it goes. Yuck, I don't like it and I already know it.

9. The movies and TV are not only fake, but most of the stuff they do can't be done. - I SO wanted the Jame Bond lotus that would turn into a submarine as well as a really fast car, and If I ever needed to, I could probaly hack into a high security computer in a matter of seconds and say 'I'm in!'. I later found out that not only did spys not drive flashy sports cars, but that they were usually non-descript non-exciting non James Bond guys like the Computer TA in my high school. *SIGH*













8. Nobody is naturally anything except for Idiot Savants - That's right, if you want to be good at anything, you have to work very hard at it. So much that when people say 'well, you're just naturally _____' you just want to hit them. Yeah, Naturally along with hundreds of hours of practice. But as a kid, I was certain that there was some talent I had that I would have but to simply discover it. Then I would be the toast of the town and on the Talk Shows and then chicks would dig me. I'm still lookin.










7. Your Mom and Dad are just regular people - This is sad twice one. Sad when you realize it about your parents, and sad when your kids realize it about you.

















6. You actually have to work for a living - This one sucks. As a kid, you know that money is worth something, but you really don't know what. Those fake jobs your folks give you are either way too well paid or not paid nearly enough. Besides, they give you what you need for NOTHING, and it's good stuff. The cereal with a cool prize, the good bread. When you realize that you have to work your butt off just to make 2 dollars over minimum and that it actually takes a shocking amount of money to keep yourself out of mom and dad's basement. It SUCKS. Yes, I know, there are some people out there that will never have to work a day in their lives. Look at Paris Hilton. That's another problem with this realization. You probably do have to work for a living, but someone out there never had to at all. great.

5. Your Mom and Dad actually had to do it to have you - Lets just not think about this one ok? This gets even worse if your parents want to start talking about it. I'm perfectly ok with being an immaculate conception.
















4. It's very likely that you won't like your job - The illustration that I attached to this pretty much tells the tale. The caption that goes under the girl is

remember guys somewhere some guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap

except the hot girl is a Job. and no matter what your job is, no matter how perfect it is for you, eventually you will be bothered by it...A LOT. That's if you're lucky and you are with people you like. Many times, the job is actually not a hot supermodel, but a mangy rabid badger.







3. You're not young anymore. - It usually happens the first time a young man or woman calls you 'sir' or 'ma'am'. Ick. This one is horrible because it's like a bill you can't afford to pay. It keeps calling you and nagging you and telling you that tomorrow it will come again. Soon your joints are telling you, the mirror is telling you, the subscription cards to AARP are telling you.














2. Girls (or guys) see sex COMPLETELY differently - Yeah, this one is a real eye opener, especially for the guys. Girls pretty much figure it out because how their sexual identities are completely jammed down their throats by TV. Guys unfortunately see the same things on TV and believe it's true. You're lucky if it's true at any point during your relationship, even for 5 minutes. In terms of sex, I've always said that what a guy wants most in a girl is EXACTLY what a girl doesn't want in a guy. To be able to lie convincingly.


1. Santa - That Fat SOB isn't real?!? Here's the biggest disappointment in the big fat man. When you're a kid, you realize that you don't have any pressure against your folks because THEY are the Clause, and you gotta start towing the line. When you're an adult, you realize that here you are putting the sweat into the presents and the Fat man gets all the credit. Santa wins twice and in the end, you are just an elf.




Till next time!