Top 10 comparisons between dieting and religion

So lately I've been on a diet.  I won't bore you with what kind of diet or whatever, just suffice it to say that I am on a regimen of eating that will severely limit my intake of calories.  While I've been denying myself the pleasures of carnal calories, I suddenly realized that there are a great many comparisons to be made between dieting and religion.

I will preface this list by mentioning once again that my goal is not to offend, but rather to entertain.  Most of my observations will come in contrast to the Judeo-Christian religion because that's the one I know the most about.  If you are somehow offended, then I invite you go to a blog that caters to thinner skins.

10.  The goals of Religion and Diets are the same to save you from yourself - In religion of course you are saving yourself from the natural version of you and with a Diet you are saving yourself from an early grave based on all of those dumplings you've been putting away.  They both promise to make you better people. 

 



9.  Religion consists of many different ways to interpret the will of God.  -  Diets come come with many different ways to reduce your weight.  Say you are an acolyte of Atkins or perhaps a pilgrim of pilates, maybe even a wayfarer of weightwatchers.  All of these ways to reduce the evil from you and leave only the good will still in the end involve trying to make you less of you.

8.  If you believe God is saying different things than I believe, you are at best misguided and at worst a Heritic.  A diet is no different - There are those that follow the new age Gods (HCG) and others that worship Baal (South Beach) and still others that worship the old Gods (Diet and exercise).  The truth is, when you start exchanging stories about your particular brand of reduction religion, those that are not in your camp are clearly mistaken and if you were not every bit a gentleman or lady, you would tell them so.

7.  You gotta have FAITH - Religion and Diets both ask much of you up front.  All of your devotions must be shown in earnest unceasingly before you will be rewarded with the fruits of your labors.  If you don't truly believe in the religion, then the religion can not save you.  If you don't believe in the diet, then you will cheat on the diet and the diet will not work.

6.  Any good religion needs confession, on a diet, you confess to yourself. - before you step on that baleful bathroom bookie known as the scale you remember all the things that you ate that you shouldn't have.  You make up excuses, you rationalize, you figure out ways that it was 'OK'  but In the END, those things will avail you nothing.  It seems that when you are on a diet, any slight variation from the path of truth and light will result in you gaining a couple of pounds back.  At least in religion, once you've confessed your sins, you are given your penance and you move on.  With dieting, there is more of a cause and effect to your transgressions.

5.  There are sheep and there are goats  -  You are on your way to church and you spot a bunch of kids playing basketball on the Sabbath.  Immediately you are given to a snap judgement vis-a-vis their eternal salvation.  One game of hoops on the 7th day of the week (or the first depending on your denomination) and your ticket has been punched.  In dieting, you see those people that are eating, in broad daylight mind you, and enjoying food that is in no way good for them.  How can they stand it?!  Don't they know what they are doing?  It's a shame they aren't good...like you

4.  Go and preach my word - This one is interesting because Religion espouses this and dieting is not really committed on it one way or the other, yet dieting proves to create a great many more evangelists than Religion.  Once a person starts eating right and getting thinner, they trade their desire for french fries for a desire to tell you ALL about their diet.  They will tell you what foods are 'fat burners' (oddley it's pretty much only celery, I was pulling for Philly Cheese-Steaks) and what exercises will maximize your metabolism and really kick your diet into High Gear.  You start talking like you are the editor of Prevention magazine.  Religion would like you to convert a heathen or two, but the truth is, you just don't really want to ask someone what their relationship with God is.  Instead you would much rather ask them what they ate for dessert last night (at least you can live vicariously through their sin)

3.  Kids are born into this world with no knowledge of religion or dieting - as a baby, you have no need of diets.  you need to just eat as much and as often as you can.  Your mom and dad may take you to church, but the truth is, you are either going to poop, eat or sleep while you are there.  

2.  Religion has it's Saints and Prophets, so does dieting - Every diet has a testimonial from a person that still owns their giant pants that they know can encompass their whole family and a couple of pets.  Many diets are originated by some sadistic doctor bent on the destruction of the enjoyment of life. They will espouse a strict adherence to a regimen of mealtime directives that will guarantee you are miserable while losing weight.   When you hear of the inspirational story of Miss Stacy Klumworth and how she lost over 86 lbs on the amazing grapefruit diet, you are amazed at her fortitude and how if you could only lose a small fraction of what she lost, then you would be able to recapture that lost bit of youth you've dropped along the way.  In religion it's a bit harder to get these statuses and usually require more than a overly large pair of novelty pants.

1.   In both cases, you don't want to go, but you feel like you should - Who want's to diet?  really?  I didn't think so.  Of course not.  Who wants to deprive themselves of what they want just so they can shed a few pounds.  Who wants to go to Church...really?  Oddly enough, it's usually the same people that want to diet.  And so in our never ending quest to improve ourselves, there we are.



Day late again, but I got it in.  Sure it's not my best, but what are ya gonna do?  See ya in a couple of weeks or so.  Oh yeah, and click on the add links a lot.  if you do it about 8 bazillion times. I'll get a dime or something.  I'm worth a dime right? right?!  hello?

Top 10 things you hear/say on a diet.

So the new year is past with all of it's requisite resolutions. yay. I was going to do top 10 resolutions for new years but everyone knows that losing weight is usually on the list and the rest of the resolutions you have just fall by the wayside and I wasn't in the mood. But having been on a few diets myself, I've come to realize that there are words and phrases that you become attuned to when you are on a diet that you don't really care about when you aren't.

As an added bonus, I will tell you my fool proof method for losing weight. It works every time I do it. Of course when I go on vacation or the holidays show up or something, I go off of my diet and then i gain my weight back. At current tally I am approximately 15 lbs overweight. I say approximately because I haven't weighed myself because I don't really want to know. I hope against hope that maybe I am losing weight just because of my overall healthy lifestyle of working in an office where I barely move to type on my keyboard and eating junk food as it makes itself available. The method is this: Diet and Exercise. I wish there was another way, but there isn't. Which sucks. All of the other 'easy' diets just want to take your money, not your fat. Here is what you do. You look up how many calories it takes to maintain your current weight. Then you eat less than those calories by a few hundred every day. Of course in order to do this, you have to chart your diet every stinking day. The good news is, once you have put yourself on this regimen for 3 days or so, it becomes pretty natural and you can do it as long as something doesn't disrupt your habits. Anyway, here are the things you will hear, once you go on your diet.


10. - I can only eat that much?! - This is not something you hear as much as it is what is going through your head for the first week or so. When you eat whatever you want, you tend to go just a little beyond what you are actually hungry for. This is the problem. When I was young, I would stop eating as soon as I wasn't hungry. But when I was young I was amused by many and myriad events in my life that would keep me much more interested than stupid food. Now however, I find that food is as interesting as nearly anything else in my life. So when I look at the portion of food that equals say 500 calories, I start taking very small bites and try to savor all 5 of them and dream of days when a plate of nachos was a warm up not a day.

9. - Oh, you don't need to go on a diet! - This is told to you by people that really don't want you to go on a diet for their own selfish reasons. They are afraid that you will be able to succeed where they have failed time and time again, and we all know that misery loves company and you successfully going on your diet means one less person at the Hagen Daz Pitty party.









8. - I'd better not - This forbearance is what you will say time and time again. Your friends will 'forget' that you are on a diet, or with full knowledge offer you things that will use all of your available calories for the day in two bites. So you say the above and watch as the object of your culinary affections retreats into the gaping maw of one of your other friends. Your friends do not realize just how difficult it is for you to say that so the next time you do, pat yourself on the back and say 'great job' from me to you.












7. - Filling - You actually notice foods that are supposed to be more filling. you realize that eating as many calories as you should be eating, you end up feeling pretty empty pretty soon. You want something that is good for you, but will stick to your ribs, and perhaps have a taste that is somewhat better than cardboard. In the end you will settle for the first 2 options. If it will get you through the day without feeling like you've traded in your stomach for a black hole you are all for it.






6. - Hmmmm..That's not bad. - My Lilly white butt. Everything you eat that says 'diet' will have a flavor of sorts that will imitate actual food. Almost by reflex when you taste these things you will say it. Everyone knows that there is only one thing you say when you really think something is tasty. it's MMMMMMMMMMM because your mouth is full of tasty food. mmmmmm...tasty.








5. - Fat/Sugar Free - You start picking through all of the food offerings in the 'diet' section of your grocery store and when you find one that says sugar free or fat free you cling to it like a life preserver off of the Titanic. Unfortunately about 2 weeks later as you find that you haven't lost so much as an ounce do you actually look at the label that has the ingredients/servings/calories etc. WAIT A MINUTE!!! you mean to tell me this has only 20 fewer calories than it's fat included counterpart?! how can this be?!? Sugar free is not much better? CRAP What is going on?!? Food companies know that dieters are nothing if not desperate, especially at first. So they package their food smaller and call it diet. Yes, of course there are exceptions and food that is actually much lower in calorie, but that is an exception not a rule.



4. - Always leave a little bit on your plate - Thanks mom. This and many other pithy little bon mots that cross your mothers lips about weight loss are crafted from years and years of guilt and betrayal brought on by that demon dieting. Your mother has fought this fight most of her natural life and would love it if you didn't have to fight the same way. So when she sees the signs of the path she has trodden i.e. the demanding you get your moneys worth at the all you can eat buffet by returning for a triumphant 5th time. She feels like doing the motherly thing and intervening. Or in the case of daughter in laws she possibly does it because she is feeling catty.









3. - Miracle - This little adjective is dangled in front of nearly any diet out there that claims to be so easy the pounds will 'melt away'. This word should be avoided along with words like Medical Breakthrough and The Secret someone doesn't want you to know. It's all the same. It's code for 'I think you are not only fat, but probably stupid. Please give me your money, and I'll give you hope for a little while' Hmmm...Trade money for hope. Why does that sound familiar?






2. - Decadent/Sinful - These are special words to dieters because they ONLY describe diet food. Usually dessert, but sometimes main courses if they include a creamed sauce or cheese. I've never seen the words Decadent or Sinful used in any dish that did not include chocolate (which by last canon is not yet a sin) unless it was diet and decidedly NEITHER decadent nor sinful. Once again those pesky marketers are telling you what you want to hear and hoping desperately that you buy at least their product if not their ideas. I don't believe you will be begging for absolution for that 2nd helping of vegetable ravioli you ate.




1. - I've gotten to where I don't even like sugar - Of course you don't. sheesh. I believe that this phrase is what inspired the immortal Bard to pen the phrase 'methinks thou doest protest too much'. Sure it's not really protesting, but the thought is the same. If we can't fool anyone else, at least we can fool ourselves. This oldy but goodie gets repeated when Dieters are feeling particularly self righteous about the fact that they lost 2 lbs (only 43 to go). They proclaim for all the world to hear that they have transcended the earthly lusts and pleasures of this mortal existence and traded them all for whole grain cookies that would make the very elect of God wretch in disgust.


I hope that if you aren't the weight you want to be that you are at least happy with the weight you are. Life is too short. See you in about 2 weeks give or take.

p.s. To all those folks on Weight Watchers. Yes, yes, yes, I know weight watchers is the only plan proven to work ASIDE FROM DIET AND EXERCISE. I also know that it's the same thing only you've traded in your calories for points. Whatever motivates you is great by me.

Top 10 Wishes

So you are walking down the beach and you see a strange looking bottle. You pick it up and uncork it to find that a rather large genie is standing before you. To show you his gratitude the genie will grant you 1 (count em 1) wish. He mentioned how the 3 wishes thing was blown up by the media and it was never really the case. Now to put a twist on it, a 2nd genie comes out of the bottle and says he will give you your wish as well. Wow! you think, 2 X the wishes (I wish you would beat me 1/2 to death with that stick...if you don't know the joke, send me a comment, it's worth a retell) The catch with the 2nd wish is this is how the genie WANTS to grant it to you.

So to get this straight. wish 1 is the wish the way you want it. Wish 2 is the same wish but the way the genie wants to give it to you. Rules of wishes. We've all heard these before, but lets go over them one more time if you aren't a Disney Fan. 1. You can't alter someone else's will (make others fall in love with you, do something they don't want to do etc). 2. You can't wish for more wishes you greedy so and so. One wish is more than anyone gets so be satisfied with it. 3. No bringing back people from the dead (there is some lee way on killing them).

Here we go!


10. Money - Duh. The genie is so tired of this wish, he's thinking of just showing up with a couple of gold bricks to cuff you up side your head with. Money money money. Everyone wishes for it. You know I do. The funny thing is, If I look at how much I make and what I have now, I've already got more than 95% of the people on the planet. The Genie is probably disgusted. So if the wish is money, depending on how you wished it, The Good genie would give you a bank account with endless 0's in it's balance. The bad genie (thanks monkeys paw!) will kill a close wealthy relative so you can collect the money, or put you in a horrible disfiguring accident that leaves you without the use of your arms and legs but receiving an impossibly huge settlement from all the oil companies and Martha Stewart (it was a really bad accident).





9. Security - This is what we are really asking for when we ask for money. What we really want is security. I would love to know my job is always there for me, or my family will always be safe etc. Who needs money if you have security. Of course the mean Genie will just kill you because the dead fear nothing. If by Genie rules he's not allowed to kill you, he will probably just poof you a large handgun and a conceal carry permit. The good genie has a bigger problem. How do I give you ultimate security? Probably make you immortal, but that wasn't the wish. The good genie would be left with telling you that any genuine fear you have will be immediately taken care of on a case by case basis. Depending on how fearless you are already this wish may end up being a moot point because a lot of people make their own security.





8. Youth - Of course if you are young, you don't know the value of this wish. As you age everything about you gets older except your brain. Your brain still thinks of you at around 20 or so. This is why you'll see so many middle aged men incur sports related injuries at their 25 year High School Reunion. The good genie would of course give you your 20ish body that you would have to explain to all of your currently middle aged friends. The bad genie would likely have an island full of really old ugly people and tell you that as long as you stay on that island you will be 20 years old, but if you leave you'll look worse than a picture of Dorian Grey.








7. Immortality - This is a little different than Youth. People that wish for this are wishing to not have to worry about things like disease and dying but will be stuck at the age they are at. You might be able to get a dismemberment rider in there to say that you also will not lose any appendages and everything will work properly throughout the eons. Of course if you have watched Highlander at all, you know that being immortal means that you must get used to the idea that all of your friends and family will die. The good genie will give you the immortality you seek and you will be impervious to death and disease. The bad genie will think about it for a while and then put you in a coma to be maintained by medical science indefinitely. Not what you asked for exactly, but it makes him snicker.

6. Beauty/Charisma. Tired of being the ugly bag of bones you are? Want those model looks that God didn't grace you with? Just tap that wish and it's all yours. Wait a minute. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? So if you are looking for ultimate beauty either you would have to change in appearance to match the ideal of whoever is beholding you, or you would have to become a universal definition of beauty (look it up in the dictionary, picture of you). The good genie just makes it easy and makes you the most beautiful/handsome person you could possibly be and nobody would deny it. The bad genie would just send you to church where everyone would tell you you looked great.

5. The destruction of your enemy - Hold on there cowboy! no wishing against the will of someone else! OH!!! you don't want to directly affect them, just everything around them...hmmmm...So you don't care how well off you are, you just want to make sure that jerk suffers. hmmm...you really have some anger issues don't you. Well, if that's what you want to blow your wish on, I guess we can do it. So your enemies fields are salted, their animals are starved to death, they can't find a good job. The Bad Genie would make it easy and just make your boss managed by you and call it good.




4. I want to give my brother 3 wishes - Very noble indeed, but you remember proviso number 2 above. NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES!!! Oh, I guess you wouldn't be getting the wishes hmmm. You trust your brother with more wishes than you got? But you figure that your brother would give you what you wish for and he could have 2 wishes left over, that was more than you got. Good genie doesn't like it, but he wanders off to your brother and comes back 3 minutes later. His wife looks like a million bucks, All his credit cards are paid off, but not his house because he needs the tax write off, and he has a magic box that continually makes fresh krispy kreme doughnuts. Your brother wasn't really that bright. The bad genie would just turn you into a genie so you could be in charge of fulfilling your dopey brothers wishes.





3. Eat whatever you want to without gaining weight - I include this because I've heard it so many times. "I wish I could eat whatever I wanted to and it wouldn't go to my (place where your weight goes)." The dieters first wish is to not feel the ill effects of their gluttony. The good genie would just make it so your stomach would only absorb the exact amount of calories that you need and the rest of the food just disappears (maybe to the plate of a very hungry family that could make use of the wishes better than you). The bad genie of course will just make it so you can't walk anywhere, you must wind sprint. after 2 weeks, you'll burn every calorie you ever had.

2. I could do real magic - I remember hoping for something along these lines when I was a kid. when I grew older I scaled down this fruitless wish to the desire to move things with my mind (Telekinesis). Now I would just like to perform a good card trick without my kids telling me where I put the card I hid. The good genie would just give you mental power over all the elements (that should cover it). Of course if you really had this power, you would want to show it off and then you would be the target of nearly every government, but if you could keep it a secret then you would be ok. But then what's the point of doing real magic? The bad genie would once again turn you into a genie and then grumble about the grass being greener as you smoke into your bottle waiting for some other sad sack to pick you up.







1. Lucky - I have wished this many times myself. When the light of good fortune smiles right next to you, you lament your luck. Why can't I be lucky like so and so. I've been right next to a person that has seen a royal flush come up on their draw poker machine. I've seen people win lots of money/prizes and wondered why when I need some luck, the exact opposite happens to me. Well I'm sure a part of it is that I treat lucky events in my life as though they just should have happened so I don't appreciate them. Good genie makes you the best Yahtzee player in recorded history. Bad genie puts you on the planet and then hits it with a meteor to find you the only person left alive. Wow, that was lucky.