10 Things you'll tell your teenager that you never thought you'd say

It's inevitable.  We all age.  With that, we hope that we get a little smarter or at least wiser.  In order to help our kids not make the mistakes we give them the nuggets of our wisdom to help them with life.  We also show them in our exasperation things that they are doing that really bug us and for them to cut it out!  What it all really helps them with is finding things that we told them that they swear they will never tell their kids.  HA.  This list is full of the things that you heard and have since relayed to your kids.  Some of them  you hated to hear and with more than a twinge of hypocrisy, you have told your spawn the self same things while simultaneously breathing a whisper of regret and new found understanding to your parents...

10.  Turn that down! - It's interesting.  Our appreciation of loud music tends to increase if it's music we like to listen to.  As we age, many of us tend to loose some of our hearing.  You would think that we would be more easy-going for loud things because we can barely hear them as it is.  We aren't.  We were told to turn our sounds down.  And so, they will be told as well.

9. You need to pay more attention! - It's funny that we think that everything we tell our children is both interesting as well as informative.  If we only had school to go to again, maybe we would pay better attention and make better use of our training years!  If you ever get to go to a professional seminar, you will quickly remember just how much ADD you had as a kid.  You might have even more now.

8. You make a better door than a window! - Or, Get out of the way!  or Hey I'm watching TV!  While this is a short term request to get someone out of the way, it becomes a long term lesson is being aware of your surroundings.  Kids have an interesting way of thinking that the whole world revolves around them.  This quick statement seems to help disabuse them of that notion.

7.  Now is the time to prepare for your future! - Great statement.  Because it's ALWAYS true!  As adults we tend to regret the wasted time of our youth.  When we see our own young waste their time we wish they would benefit from our wisdom and not waste it!  The truth is, we can look at our own lives and see so much time that is wasted.  If we are honest about our chastisements, we should first look at ourselves and lead the way.

6. Do you know how much that costs?! - Kids only know that they like things and they want things.  Some people never grow out of this.  There are other people that mistakenly think that THEY were never like that as a child and wonder why their own kids have this insatiable hunger to spend money they don't have.  Don't you know that's what this country is built on?

5.  Why don't you answer me? - Kids seem to be conveniently deaf.  If they are interested in what they are doing and want plausible deniability when they are asked why they didn't answer, they will claim some kind of strange deafness.  This deafness does not, however, extend to their cellphones, which they can hear at any distance in the house (making the broad assumption that the cellphone is somehow more than 1 foot away from them at any point in time).

4.  I know you don't believe it, but I was a teenager once. - Kids don't believe you were ever a teenager.  You can show them pictures.  You can tell them stories.  They will nod patiently and laugh at your young antics, but it will be impossible for them to visualize you as a teenager.  The best you can hope for is that they see you as currently irresponsible.

3.  Go to sleep! - Everyone knows that children are created out of our old boundless energy.  That's why we are so tired all the time.  As a result, they have no idea why they need to go to sleep, they aren't tired.  Partly, they may not be tired, and partly they can't identify when they are tired.  When my son was around 3 he was falling asleep in the car and started getting mad.  When asked why he was mad he said 'My eyes don't work!'  Talk about sleep denial.  Now, un-alarmed, he will sleep until noon or later.


2.  Try it!  It's an acquired taste! - As Mom and Dad we want to expand the world of experience that our children have.  We also want them to not be picky eaters.  This is different than some parents that do the age old 'you aren't moving until you finish what is on your plate.'  I've heard of some extreme cases where kids were left to eat the food no matter how old it got.  This is a good way to give your kids eating disorders.

1.  I feel sorry for your future husband/wife. - Usually offered when you stumble upon the cave of your young spawn.  The disarray is not only disgusting, but amazing.  Now I'm the last one to talk about clean areas as I'm a bit of a clutter guy.  But I do keep the common living areas as clean as I can since we all have to live there.  I heard my mom mention more than a few times how she pitied my future bride.  Now my bride pities herself.




Enjoy the summer and Happy Fathers Day!  3 x 5 and we'll come back live.

Top 10 Disappointing Realizations

You get born and you figure your life will follow pretty much a set path and everything is gonna be the way you see it. You actually really feel this way at about 12 and you are constantly surprised at the things that surprise you. So here we go.

10. The Circle of Life - This is a hard realization because you never know when you are going to have to make it. The problem is puppies and kitties are cute and lovable, you get them for your kids and before they are even out of the house Rex or Mittens is pushing up daisies. Now you have to tell them a story cut from whole cloth because you don't know whether or not you really know what you are talking about, but you really hope that you are convincing enough that your child doesn't feel THAT bad. Of course, the alternative is that you tell them that everyone dies sooner or later that that's the way it goes. Yuck, I don't like it and I already know it.

9. The movies and TV are not only fake, but most of the stuff they do can't be done. - I SO wanted the Jame Bond lotus that would turn into a submarine as well as a really fast car, and If I ever needed to, I could probaly hack into a high security computer in a matter of seconds and say 'I'm in!'. I later found out that not only did spys not drive flashy sports cars, but that they were usually non-descript non-exciting non James Bond guys like the Computer TA in my high school. *SIGH*













8. Nobody is naturally anything except for Idiot Savants - That's right, if you want to be good at anything, you have to work very hard at it. So much that when people say 'well, you're just naturally _____' you just want to hit them. Yeah, Naturally along with hundreds of hours of practice. But as a kid, I was certain that there was some talent I had that I would have but to simply discover it. Then I would be the toast of the town and on the Talk Shows and then chicks would dig me. I'm still lookin.










7. Your Mom and Dad are just regular people - This is sad twice one. Sad when you realize it about your parents, and sad when your kids realize it about you.

















6. You actually have to work for a living - This one sucks. As a kid, you know that money is worth something, but you really don't know what. Those fake jobs your folks give you are either way too well paid or not paid nearly enough. Besides, they give you what you need for NOTHING, and it's good stuff. The cereal with a cool prize, the good bread. When you realize that you have to work your butt off just to make 2 dollars over minimum and that it actually takes a shocking amount of money to keep yourself out of mom and dad's basement. It SUCKS. Yes, I know, there are some people out there that will never have to work a day in their lives. Look at Paris Hilton. That's another problem with this realization. You probably do have to work for a living, but someone out there never had to at all. great.

5. Your Mom and Dad actually had to do it to have you - Lets just not think about this one ok? This gets even worse if your parents want to start talking about it. I'm perfectly ok with being an immaculate conception.
















4. It's very likely that you won't like your job - The illustration that I attached to this pretty much tells the tale. The caption that goes under the girl is

remember guys somewhere some guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap

except the hot girl is a Job. and no matter what your job is, no matter how perfect it is for you, eventually you will be bothered by it...A LOT. That's if you're lucky and you are with people you like. Many times, the job is actually not a hot supermodel, but a mangy rabid badger.







3. You're not young anymore. - It usually happens the first time a young man or woman calls you 'sir' or 'ma'am'. Ick. This one is horrible because it's like a bill you can't afford to pay. It keeps calling you and nagging you and telling you that tomorrow it will come again. Soon your joints are telling you, the mirror is telling you, the subscription cards to AARP are telling you.














2. Girls (or guys) see sex COMPLETELY differently - Yeah, this one is a real eye opener, especially for the guys. Girls pretty much figure it out because how their sexual identities are completely jammed down their throats by TV. Guys unfortunately see the same things on TV and believe it's true. You're lucky if it's true at any point during your relationship, even for 5 minutes. In terms of sex, I've always said that what a guy wants most in a girl is EXACTLY what a girl doesn't want in a guy. To be able to lie convincingly.


1. Santa - That Fat SOB isn't real?!? Here's the biggest disappointment in the big fat man. When you're a kid, you realize that you don't have any pressure against your folks because THEY are the Clause, and you gotta start towing the line. When you're an adult, you realize that here you are putting the sweat into the presents and the Fat man gets all the credit. Santa wins twice and in the end, you are just an elf.




Till next time!