10 Pretty good ways to die

Death.  I've broached the subject before. It's when we go to the next step in our life's journey.  Oddly enough science has a fairly hard time determining if something is alive.  Suffice it to say that death is something we spend the better part of our life ignoring except of course during Halloween.  We glamorize death in movies and usually use it to make the plot of any story more interesting.  Death is commonly a subject if not a prop in most of the stories we tell.  Death is the only thing we will all experience in different ways, but we will experience it.  Unless of course you don't believe in an afterlife in which case we won't technically experience it because we won't be there when it finishes.  I don't claim any actual knowledge of these ways to go, it is just my assumption that these ways to die would have the most going for them as far as choice of ways to die goes.  These are the ways that probably aren't bad.  Please understand these aren't the ways that would be very good to go from the survivors point of view, that would be a different list.  Suffice it to say, this list is fairly dark.  If that's not your particular flavor of skittles, please feel free to move on, I'll be back in 15 days or so.

- Chute doesn't open - The big fall.  Everyone told you about how many more people die each year in car accidents and there you are looking at your rip cord like it's left over pasta.  You can panic and that will get you past a few feet, but after that you are still falling and there isn't much else you can do.  What makes this a good way to go is that it's fairly quick and pretty certain.  Also I often wonder that if there is an afterlife what does everyone have in common?  How they died.  People will swap tales of consumption and shark bites and you will mention that you have fallen out of an airplane to your death willingly and expected to survive.  Most of the people you talk to will be amazed.

- Thrill ride accident - File this under ironic deaths.  These rides are only supposed to scare you 1/2 to death.  Sure it's rare, but I'm sure it happens.  Also the amount of settlement money your surviving relatives will get will be pretty thrilling.

- End of the world - Well, at least we can all go together.  The one nice thing about a catastrophic event like a meteor the size of a city, is it's pretty quick and you don't have to worry about those you leave behind because they will be coming with.

- Pharmaceutical problem - The world of big pharma is an exciting one.  First they were going to cure the world with science!  Now they are just going to treat the world with even more science.  Why?  Well money of course.  So when you take that regimen of treatments and it happens to make you grow another arm or something, you end up having a bad ending, but your family once again will benefit greatly.  When you get money from a lawsuit like this, it comes to you tax free, so that's nice to.  Hey, if you've got to go, it's nice to know your family is taken care of.

- Carbon Monoxide Poisoning - This isn't so bad as long as you don't mind a tired headache.  You get really tired, get a pretty good headache, and then you go out.  Lots of people suffer headaches all the time so that really won't be such a bad thing.

- Plane Crash - Like Chute doesn't open and Thrill ride accident, the reason it's nice to die of Plane crash is it's pretty exciting as well and there are not very many survivors at all.  Why is that nice?  because this is about the good ways to DIE, not survive.  Plane crashes don't give you a lot of chances to survive and they are drastic and fast on impact.  All of those equal a lot of terror but not much pain.  Sure terror isn't going to be fun, but I'd rather have some terror and no pain v.s. the opposite.

- Heart Arrhythmia - This is the way my own dad went.  A lifetime of eating whatever he wanted and diminishing exercise in old age gave him this good way out.  It's like a heart attack, but the heart just stops.  It's like a switch turning off.  No real warning, just one moment there you are, and the next there you were.  This isn't a great way to go for your surviving relatives because it's so mysterious.  You wonder how it happened, what caused it.  Well when what causes your death is unhealthy behavior over time it's not much of a mystery, it's more of a waiting game.  The reason it's a good way to go is it's quick and painless.

- Hit directly by a high speed train - This one is a suicide favorite in Japan and other countries with high speed trains.  There is no time between impact and your demise.  You just cause the people on the train to be delayed as they are moved to a train that doesn't need maintenance/cleaning.

- Ground 0 of anything that has a ground 0 - Similar to the End of the world the best thing about Ground 0 is that it fast as well as very unique.  Nuclear if man made, Probably Volcanic if Mother nature is playing her hand.  In either case, pain will probably be there to some extent as I suspect you will be melting, but it will really be quick if any of the military test footage is an indicator.  The blast itself will be enough to turn out all of the lights.  Everything else is for those people beyond a 10 mile radius.  People that live far enough away show up on this lists opposite.  Very bad way to survive.


- Fast Illness - Best way to go for everyone.  You know you are going to die, and now you are given a relative clock for how fast it's going to be.  The reason this is nice is that you get to take care of all of your affairs before you go.  Move money around, avoid taxes for your loved one, get everything taken care of so you leave with a clean house.  What is that fast illness you ask?  I'm not sure.  It's the kind where the Doctor says 'I won't sugar coat this, you have 3 weeks to live'.  There has to be a few of them that science doesn't have a 'treatment' where they keep you on the hook for the drugs for as long as you can draw breath.




Well, I'd invite you to try to keep on not dying, if for no other reason, I can use all the readers I can get.

top 10 things you say before you die

Death. I'm sure I've blogged about it before, but If I haven't, that's good, because it's an easy subject to get REALLY philosophical about. Death. The End. Finito. Hasta La Vista. It's one of the few things we will all experience. Many times, people will be remembered for their last words. But if you want to be remembered for a while, you'll say something pretty ironic. Not many people know when they are going to die. The people that do are not the lucky ones because they are either on death row, or they have to try to 'beat' a terminal illness. The rest of us are going to die under fairly unexpected circumstances. What will you say before that happens? Soon, you are going to read what I think are the top 10 things you may say. I don't know that avoiding saying these things will keep you from dying. But avoiding the circumstances where you would be prompted to say those things might help. Who knows?

Here are the things you may say before you die.

10. OK, TURN IT OVER!  -  Your head is deep in the transmission of your loaded trans-something or other and your buddy is there to help.  You've made a few 'adjustments' to the engine and you want your friend to give it a roll while you listen to the engine purr.  Of course at that point, just about anything could happen with your head buried under the hood of the car you look vaguely like a suicidal person with their head in an oven.

9. I think I know what your problem is - This one is broad, but could be a bellwether of doom no matter how you are saying it.  If you are genuinely giving good advice, it may not be well taken.  On the other hand, if you are using it sarcastically you could find yourself on the moving end of a big stick or worse.  If you are using the phrase to help your buddy with that large piece of farm equipment, even though it was meant in the most helpful of terms, you could be on your last leg.

8. God himself could not sink this ship - What a great phrase.  One of my favorites to say on an airplane or boat.  It may kind of worry the passengers around you, but it has worked at least one time in the past ;).

7. O.k., I'll do it this time - If at first you don't succeed die, die again.  Trying to do something and failing, may be better for you than trying and succeeding.

6. Hey, guys watch this! or Ok! is the camera ready? - Gonna impress your friends?  Gonna show your new girlfriend that you could have been a stunt man?  Gonna do something stupid that may get you famous on U-tube for a little while, but probably gets you dead?  This is what you'll say before this occurrence.

5.  I wonder if I can take it up to 120? - Most cars can go around 110 MPH.  The problem is they weren't engineered to go that fast and neither were the roads.  But when you are in your new car driving down that abandoned stretch of road you figure you could break the 120 barrier.  Just remember, any little rock on the road will send you careening  off the edge of the road and likely to your doom.  This is most often said in your head and not out loud as your significant other will likely ask you to pull over and let them out first.

4.  It's ok, I can drive. - This is the saddest one I can think of because it happens so often.  Just because you are stupid doesn't mean you have to take it out on us.  Good rule of thumb.  If you say this phrase, you've probably lied.  Stay off the road.

3.  Race you to the other side of the rise over there. -  Funny how off road vehicles give you a feeling of invincibility.  You race around on your 4 wheeler or snow mobile and you think you can go anywhere.  So you race another snow mobile to the edge of that rise.  When you get close enough that rise ends in a sheer cliff.  Or that rise ends up being a loose slab of snow that will fall on you like the wrath of God (which it may be)

2.  Crap, I wired that backwards.  -  so you just undo the wires and then reverse them.  problem is, you didn't shut off the breaker because it's ALL the way over there and it's such a pain, and I've done like 12 of these now, so I don't need to turn off the power.  Yes you do.  (This is that much more poignant in countries with 220v standard electricity)

1.  I can get the perfect shot from riiiight...heeeere - Gun?  No Camera.  Cameras seem to give someone a feeling of invincibility and entitlement in direct proportion to the amount of money you spent on the device itself.  you have a 1500$ camera?  You are going to stand in the middle of a geyser waving your hand at a none too amused buffalo  to get that PERFECT shot.  Oh, you'll get that shot alright.










Stay away from these things!  I need as many readers as I can get.  If you are a spam commenter, please don't bother.  Otherwise thanks for the feedback!  Happy Halloween!

Top 10 Disappointing Realizations

You get born and you figure your life will follow pretty much a set path and everything is gonna be the way you see it. You actually really feel this way at about 12 and you are constantly surprised at the things that surprise you. So here we go.

10. The Circle of Life - This is a hard realization because you never know when you are going to have to make it. The problem is puppies and kitties are cute and lovable, you get them for your kids and before they are even out of the house Rex or Mittens is pushing up daisies. Now you have to tell them a story cut from whole cloth because you don't know whether or not you really know what you are talking about, but you really hope that you are convincing enough that your child doesn't feel THAT bad. Of course, the alternative is that you tell them that everyone dies sooner or later that that's the way it goes. Yuck, I don't like it and I already know it.

9. The movies and TV are not only fake, but most of the stuff they do can't be done. - I SO wanted the Jame Bond lotus that would turn into a submarine as well as a really fast car, and If I ever needed to, I could probaly hack into a high security computer in a matter of seconds and say 'I'm in!'. I later found out that not only did spys not drive flashy sports cars, but that they were usually non-descript non-exciting non James Bond guys like the Computer TA in my high school. *SIGH*













8. Nobody is naturally anything except for Idiot Savants - That's right, if you want to be good at anything, you have to work very hard at it. So much that when people say 'well, you're just naturally _____' you just want to hit them. Yeah, Naturally along with hundreds of hours of practice. But as a kid, I was certain that there was some talent I had that I would have but to simply discover it. Then I would be the toast of the town and on the Talk Shows and then chicks would dig me. I'm still lookin.










7. Your Mom and Dad are just regular people - This is sad twice one. Sad when you realize it about your parents, and sad when your kids realize it about you.

















6. You actually have to work for a living - This one sucks. As a kid, you know that money is worth something, but you really don't know what. Those fake jobs your folks give you are either way too well paid or not paid nearly enough. Besides, they give you what you need for NOTHING, and it's good stuff. The cereal with a cool prize, the good bread. When you realize that you have to work your butt off just to make 2 dollars over minimum and that it actually takes a shocking amount of money to keep yourself out of mom and dad's basement. It SUCKS. Yes, I know, there are some people out there that will never have to work a day in their lives. Look at Paris Hilton. That's another problem with this realization. You probably do have to work for a living, but someone out there never had to at all. great.

5. Your Mom and Dad actually had to do it to have you - Lets just not think about this one ok? This gets even worse if your parents want to start talking about it. I'm perfectly ok with being an immaculate conception.
















4. It's very likely that you won't like your job - The illustration that I attached to this pretty much tells the tale. The caption that goes under the girl is

remember guys somewhere some guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap

except the hot girl is a Job. and no matter what your job is, no matter how perfect it is for you, eventually you will be bothered by it...A LOT. That's if you're lucky and you are with people you like. Many times, the job is actually not a hot supermodel, but a mangy rabid badger.







3. You're not young anymore. - It usually happens the first time a young man or woman calls you 'sir' or 'ma'am'. Ick. This one is horrible because it's like a bill you can't afford to pay. It keeps calling you and nagging you and telling you that tomorrow it will come again. Soon your joints are telling you, the mirror is telling you, the subscription cards to AARP are telling you.














2. Girls (or guys) see sex COMPLETELY differently - Yeah, this one is a real eye opener, especially for the guys. Girls pretty much figure it out because how their sexual identities are completely jammed down their throats by TV. Guys unfortunately see the same things on TV and believe it's true. You're lucky if it's true at any point during your relationship, even for 5 minutes. In terms of sex, I've always said that what a guy wants most in a girl is EXACTLY what a girl doesn't want in a guy. To be able to lie convincingly.


1. Santa - That Fat SOB isn't real?!? Here's the biggest disappointment in the big fat man. When you're a kid, you realize that you don't have any pressure against your folks because THEY are the Clause, and you gotta start towing the line. When you're an adult, you realize that here you are putting the sweat into the presents and the Fat man gets all the credit. Santa wins twice and in the end, you are just an elf.




Till next time!